Persin'l State Mint, parte trois (are you ready for this?!?)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Persin'l State Mint, parte trois (are you ready for this?!?)

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:16 pm

Here it is! Third draft!

I last posted it in this thread: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=219630
I heeded the advice and made the statement more about "me," which was as difficult as you could imagine.

I am trying to fit Penn's prompt as best as possible because I love Penn and I want Penn to love me.
The prompt is as follows: The purpose of this personal statement is to provide you with as flexible an opportunity as possible to submit information that you deem important to your candidacy. You may wish to describe aspects of your background and interests--intellectual, personal or professional--and how you will uniquely contribute to the Penn Law community and/or the legal profession. Please limit your statement to two pages, double spaced and label it as "Personal Statement" with your name and LSAC account number on each page.

The horizon was dark as I stood silently against the remaining bulkheads. Warm breath struck the cold November air as I held a tall cup of coffee –heat escaping through the plastic lid. The lights were out across the bay. The bayside beach, playground, dock, and boardwalk were destroyed. Houses were boarded-up; some were lopsided after being thrown from their foundations or pilings, others were battered beyond recognition, but the hardest hit homes were no longer standing. Flood lines scarred the surviving structures. I could hardly imagine what was happening on the other side of the bay, where the National Guard was on non-stop patrols. The hum of distant generators and the rhythmic hush of the current lapping against the bulkheads grew louder on that solemn night as the eerie scene was entrenched in my memory. I could have never imagined this – not in any of my artwork. My Jersey Shore needed help – and I was there to help.

I went home Thursday night to see the damage for myself and volunteer with a local church that was set-up as an impromptu shelter. Few had power, stop lights were out, and police checkpoints were scattered throughout my town and Ocean County to prevent people from entering the devastated water-front neighborhoods. The church sent volunteer crews with supplies throughout these areas in the township and neighboring communities to help in clean-up efforts. My group was sent to X, Y, and Z where we cleaned muck out of homes, removed debris, and stripped houses of nearly everything but their wooden skeletons. Piles of wet sheet rock, debris, and memories grew into mountains, some at least two stories tall, as homeowners listlessly moved forward. Though many were thankful, I wanted to do so much more and I knew that I could do so much more.
My college took pride in the ardent community service and leadership of its students, imploring everyone to bring change to the world and embody the community-oriented focus of the university – but I could not help the clean-up while I was away. I could, however, help in the recovery. I realized it was my time to “ignite” change in my tattered Shore community, and I could do it with a drawing.

I drew an apparel design featuring Barnegat Lighthouse, called “Ol’ Barney” by the locals, accompanied by the phrase “Restore the Shore!” I turned a notebook doodle into a computer rendering and created t-shirt mock-ups. Next, I opened a Facebook page for the project, hoping to gain support from interested buyers and hopefully a clothing company to support the project. Within a few days of sharing images of the t-shirt mock-ups on the Facebook page, the project gained the support of thousands with tens of thousands requests for shirts -- but no clothing companies were interested. Nonetheless, I did not waiver and continued pressing for support.

Despite the lack of interest from clothing companies, the Facebook page grew in popularity in my community and caught the attention of a local business leader, who was impressed by my work. He was a member of the Rotary Club of Y, and within a week, my project had the support of the Club. Together, we collaborated to create t-shirts and sweatshirts featuring my designs. The apparel sold at local business and one hundred percent of the proceeds went toward helping people affected by Sandy, such as through the purchase of furniture and appliances. My project generated over $10,000 for Sandy recovery and I am proud to have helped so many people and truly “ignited change” at home.

About a month ago, I was at that same bayside beach, where the bulkheads have been repaired and flood-line scars have faded into memory. The lights stared back this time as the sun peaked over the horizon, casting a bright glow over the Shore. In a breath, I am back to that cold November night and its unnerving darkness that reached across the bay and into my heart, but I know that the Shore is recovering. Through the creativity embodied by my drawing, I made an impact in my reeling community. I have been endowed with a creative spirit, one that will surely follow me where I may go in life. Though it may not always appear through a drawing, it may show itself in writing, interpreting law, deciding cases, or perhaps by “igniting change” in whichever community I serve. I am proud to have such an impact on my community; the Shore is recovering and Ol’ Barney beams brightly over the sea as the sun rises on a bright future – as a student and even more so as a person.

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Re: Persin'l State Mint, parte trois (are you ready for this?!?)

Postby jac101689 » Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:32 pm

What I get out of this is that you're a person who cares about what's important, you care enough to keep trying even when hope seems lost to others, and that attitude has positively impacted you and those around you in surprising ways on at least one occasion. That formula is always in style, in my opinion.

Perhaps it's not the best written statement; perhaps it's not the most brilliant statement. I honestly don't know. I do know that a creative, resolute person with a sense of social responsibility and self-confidence comes through. Again, stylish. To boot, you mostly showed it rather than telling it.

A few things I would do:

Get rid of the sun rising metaphor; you can do better.

Talk more about the impact of the experience on you. What did you gain in the process of "igniting change?" (I only say this because I expect it's what the "insiders" here would say. A lot of TLS-ers seem to think they know exactly what a personal statement should look like. I'm not so sure there's a fact of the matter.)

I would be surprised either if you lost points for this or if you didn't gain points for it in the admissions process. Then again, I've never been on an adcomm.

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