Adversity PS [closed]

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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theramblingfool
Posts: 336
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2013 11:34 am

Adversity PS [closed]

Postby theramblingfool » Wed Nov 13, 2013 4:17 pm

Personal Statement removed after receiving feedback. Thanks guys.
Last edited by theramblingfool on Fri Nov 15, 2013 12:39 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Marshmallow
Posts: 273
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 2:32 pm

Re: PS needs criticism (adversity statement)

Postby Marshmallow » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:12 pm

I counted 5 "greats" in the last paragraph/4 lines alone. I need you to SHOW me why you're great, not tell me. Can you come up with a different example as the focus??

Obviously you've got a good story here, but it failed to move me.

I also kind of grimaced at the bit about you liking to debate even though it wasn't necessarily the typical "I like to debate so I'll be a good lawyer" line.

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theramblingfool
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Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2013 11:34 am

Re: PS for T10 schools, needs criticism (adversity statement)

Postby theramblingfool » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:17 pm

Grimaced? Oh no. That's a reaction I want to avoid... Is this due to that section being poorly written, or is that message in general not a good idea to include? i.e. should I fix it or should I axe it?

And you're saying come up with more examples to support my statements?

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Marshmallow
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Re: PS for T10 schools, needs criticism (adversity statement)

Postby Marshmallow » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:32 pm

I guess my problem with your PS starts in paragraph four. All I get from that point on are references to qualities you tell me you have. It's just a bit much, and I find myself looking for you to show me those qualities instead of just telling me you have them.

And to be fair, the debate line I was referencing earlier is probably fine. Also, watch out for some passive sentences here and there.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS for T10 schools, needs criticism (adversity statement)

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:36 pm

My strongest impression after a quick read of this early draft is that your profile is memorable--and this is good when applying to highly competitive schools.

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theramblingfool
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Re: Adversity PS for T10 schools 2nd Draft

Postby theramblingfool » Wed Nov 13, 2013 11:49 pm

I've updated the draft to include some criticisms given thus far. I tried to apply brevity to the debating section that was discussed, and I added my TA position in undergrad and my current software engineering job to try and provide more concrete support for qualities.




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