Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273561
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:32 am

Does my PS need some more work, what do you guys recommend, any thoughts?? Thanks!


As I plunge into a tub of ice-cold water all I can hear are the roars of laughter and delight of young school children. I had spent all day being the object of their ridicule, bringing the crowd to life with every successive dunk in the pool. No matter the embarrassment or jeers from the crowd, to see the smiles on the kids faces made it all worth it. It’s the middle of July in Los Angeles, yet children and adults alike are running around hurling snowballs at each other. Today is the annual Christmas in July at the Union Street Rescue Mission in Los Angeles. At the event volunteers such as myself are engaged in entertaining financially disadvantaged children and their families with a wide array of carnival style games and distributing healthy and fresh food to the community
Growing up in the restaurant business, I have always participated in community events such as these from a young age and those experiences have shaped who I am today and my outlook on things. I remember distinctly as a child driving through skid row on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with my father and younger brother, car packed to the brim with sandwiches for the homeless. While many parents would have opted to have their children hand out food through the safety of their car windows, my father chose a different approach. We parked our car and walked the streets littered with debris and paraphernalia and interacted with the people. It was imperative my dad said that we see that these men and women who lay in the streets were no different then we, and that they were to be given the same respected and treated with the same dignity as any other member of society. It is this humility and compassion that drives me everyday to strive for a more just and equal future for all, regardless of socio-economic status.
Fast forward fifteen years and I am now running the business that my father has worked so hard to establish for the past 30 years. Just as academia requires strict discipline, determination, and hard work, running your own business also demands these same vital principles. Over the past year I have been responsible for the family business, and accordingly my family’s only source of income. Although, a great challenge and responsibility I have been able to not only maintain what has been built, but propel the company forward in terms of increased sales and an increase in community involvement and cooperation. Using the morals and ethical guidelines imparted on me as a youth, I have established relationships with local schools and shelters to provide healthy meals to aid the residents in their quest for stability and long-term success. Just recently we worked with the CareNowUSA organization on an event in downtown Los Angeles that provided free medical and dental services to the local community. As a result, our restaurants were able to provide boxed lunches to more than 3,000 volunteers and patients.
Although I am ecstatic as to what we were able to accomplish and the role we played in this event, I find myself yearning to bring about a more fundamental, long –term solution to the underlying issues that necessitated this event in the first place. I understand that this issue is a complex one, but I believe that a solution that addresses these grave concerns is an achievable one. Through a combination of community outreach, increased funding, and careful governmental planning this problem can be eradicated.
My passion for the law stems from this deep-rooted belief that the moral and economic success of our society as a whole is directly related to how we view and treat those that are less fortunate than us. In my study of the law, I aim to gain the knowledge necessary to someday to be able to reform many of our state and national laws that have continuously allowed for our marginalized members of society to be ignored. Furthermore, I am confident that my experience in running my own business has crafted the work ethic and determination to succeed that will allow me to excel in my study of the law. Being a business owner is complex, however just as with the law, maintaining an open mind and a willingness to constantly reassess things can provide for a long and fulfilling career.

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:45 am

I remember commenting on this a while back. I am glad you did end up implementing the changes I suggested.

Nonetheless 1 flaw that that stands out to me is that your belief law is the solver of all of these fundamental problem is a bit abrupt, perhaps you can provide some evidence as to why you think that? I believe I have suggested that in my previous commentary as well, that you kind do need to demonstrate that you have some sort of understanding of what law is before you jump into the conclusion it is the solver of all poverty and problems.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273561
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:53 am

Hey Jimmy ya I appreciate your advice, and defintely tried to implement those changes you suggested. Took a little break to work on my DS, but again thanks for the feedback. Ya obviously I don't believe that the law itself will be able to solve these issues, my thinking is that it does put me in a more favorable position to understand the complexities involved in policy making which would give me a leg up and navigating those murky waters? Not sure if that makes sense, but let me know.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273561
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 1:02 am

Anyone else want to offer a different opinion? Jimmyrock has been great, but for the sake of diversity wanna know what anyone else is thinking..thanks again, cheers!

efeinste
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:32 pm

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby efeinste » Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:07 pm

The tenses in the first two sentences don't agree. Either say "As I plunge.... I have...." or "As I plunged.... I had...."

efeinste
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:32 pm

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby efeinste » Thu Nov 14, 2013 2:01 pm

Just skimmed the rest of that paragraph. Tense agreement needs work.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273561
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Getting ready to hit submit, should I wait.........

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 17, 2013 6:44 pm

thanks, but content wise did you think it was cool?




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