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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:14 am

Thanks for the help, everyone!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 18, 2013 3:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:53 am

Also, if you want to swap, let me know!

doing_it_in_a_car
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby doing_it_in_a_car » Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:55 am

A brief and incomplete critique:

Use parallelism. Instead of:
The machines were more complicated, the room was brighter, there were flashier monitors, and I had never before seen quite so many nurses and doctors fluttering around in one room.

Go with:
The lights were brighter, the machines were noisier, and the monitors were flashier. I had never before seen so many nurses and doctors fluttering around in one room.

Ease off of the adjectives and adverbs. Use verbs to tell a story.
Instead of:
Every wide-eyed observation piercingly reaffirmed what my mother’s doctors had already told me: This time, she wasn’t going to make it.
Use:
When I looked at my mother's chest struggling to rise, I could tell that the doctors were right. This time, she wasn’t going to make it.

Your ratio of detail to lessons is too low. Use more concrete images instead of abstract lessons, or else the lessons come off as insincere.

Get rid of the semicolons and hyphens/dashes. There's no shame in short sentences.

Like you said, it does get weaker toward the end. Bring it back to something about your mom to give it a sense of completeness.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:24 pm

Thank you very much! Your suggestions make perfect sense, and I'm certainly going to implement them. I know you said your critique was "brief and incomplete," so please feel free to add on anything else that you think needs to be revised.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:02 pm

Bump to see if anyone else has any other suggestions for me to work into my next revision. Since I'm applying ED, I plan on submitting my app tomorrow. Thanks, everyone!

Javert
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Javert » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:07 pm

PM me for a swap. I'd be happy to help.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 13, 2013 5:25 pm

This essay is weak primarily due to a lack of a well defined theme. What is your objective ? If it is pity, then you've achieved your goal; but, if it is admission to CCN, then you need to move beyond the self-pity theme.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 6:51 pm

Thanks for the brutal honesty, CanadianWolf, although your comment is devastating. I wasn't shooting for pity. Rather, I was trying to portray my dedication, resilience, and how I've adapted and evolved. Do you have any tips or suggestions?
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 13, 2013 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 13, 2013 6:58 pm

Javert, I'll PM you my next draft! Thank you!

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rigoding
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby rigoding » Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:12 am

I like this PS. PM me for a swap!

Anonymous User
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Re: 2nd Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:22 am

Thank you! I'm heavily revising it (re-writing almost the whole thing), but I will PM you once I'm done with the next draft.

Anonymous User
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Re: UPDATE: THIRD Draft, Aiming for CCN -- Please Be Brutal!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:00 am

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