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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 09, 2013 2:13 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 11, 2013 10:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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neprep
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Re: My Personal Statement

Postby neprep » Sat Nov 09, 2013 2:27 pm

I think this is a fascinating story — but only because I want to sit down and have a conversation with that attorney who saved the day in Bihar, or with he villagers who would have been materially affected by the construction. For most of the story, you seem like an omniscient narrator rather than a participant, and I kept waiting throughout the essay for what you were up to while all this was going on.

We get some of your voice in the last paragraph, but that seems a little forced and has some awkward diction:

Anonymous User wrote: I desire to bring this mentality into my own legal career


What this basically boils down to is "I saw this really nice thing the lawyer did and it made me realize that I shouldn't just do things that give me and only me pleasure, so therefore I want to be a lawyer." Okay, but after this experience, can you give examples of how you changed yourself? Surely going to law school isn't the only way to incorporate this life lesson you learned in Parasi into your day to day. Perhaps you started doing more things for others through selfless acts? How old were you when this happened, and what has changed in your life since the event?

I think the thoughts in last paragraph need to be fleshed out more in the essay, because just when I was getting some insights into you, you left with the punch bowl. :)

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: My Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 10, 2013 1:01 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 11, 2013 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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neprep
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Re: My Personal Statement

Postby neprep » Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:09 am

Anonymous User wrote:After returning to the University of Florida, I searched for community-based organizations in which I could participate. I chose to join the Samuel Proctor Oral History Program, (SPOHP), a program that was both pertinent to my history major and heavily tied to community based organizations throughout the United States. Through SPOHP, I was able to reach out to Student Action with Farmworkers (SAF), based in Durham, North Carolina, an organization that assists farmworkers in the mid-Atlantic region. SAF was reaching its twentieth anniversary, and although a strong and vibrant organization, was having trouble in spreading awareness about farmworker conditions. SAF wished for us to gather twenty interviews with prominent alumni in a project called SAF twenty for twenty, commemorating their twentieth anniversary. I was the head coordinator for the project at SPOHP. Throughout the project, I focused first and foremost on SAF’s desires. I asked them what interview type questions they desired, which order they wanted the interviews conducted in, and which topics should comprise the core of interview questions. I would send every interview an intern conducted to SAF in order to see if they wished for it to be edited in a certain way. SAF was pleased by the interview collection process and afterward I directed a team of interns in the process of podcast creation from the same set of interviews conducted with SAF. Holding true to putting SAF’s interests first and creating these podcasts for their benefit, I constantly consulted them throughout the process to see if they desired any cuts or thematic changes to these respective podcasts. My experiences in the SAF “twenty for twenty” project served to solidify my belief of performing activities for the benefit of others. I have since incorporated this principle into my postgraduate work environments as well.


The addition of this paragraph is pretty important, I feel. Getting a lot more of you coming through. :D

Although this might mean that you'll have to cut some other stuff out because of page limits!




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