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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 08, 2013 7:17 pm

Thanks for the suggestions!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Nov 09, 2013 2:13 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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chuckbass
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Re: 1-st Draft for HC. Tear it up. Be brutal.

Postby chuckbass » Fri Nov 08, 2013 8:35 pm

"What I considered to be my flair for expression my TF saw as 'undisciplined and unwieldy prose'"

I'm sure other people can go through everything else, but undisciplined and unwieldy prose runs rampant throughout this PS, and it's completely unnecessary and distracting.

lawschool2014hopeful
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Re: 1-st Draft for HC. Tear it up. Be brutal.

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Fri Nov 08, 2013 9:36 pm

scotth724 wrote:"What I considered to be my flair for expression my TF saw as 'undisciplined and unwieldy prose'"

I'm sure other people can go through everything else, but undisciplined and unwieldy prose runs rampant throughout this PS, and it's completely unnecessary and distracting.


I was going to write a detailed response, but this pretty much.

You really dont have a story to tell with this, I find these sort of statements ironic, you make it a point that you have exceptional writing ability, and sophiscation when needed, but demonstrating otherwise.

You should probably write a different story, your ability to write improving over time through university (or so you claim) is not really interesting.

sah
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Re: Thoughts on 1st draft PS. Ruthlessness much appreciated.

Postby sah » Sat Nov 09, 2013 1:26 pm

I usually don't comment on personal statements but wanted to comment on this one. Simply put, I don't think you should submit it. You should probably redo most of it. I agree with the commenters above about the prose being unwieldy and undisciplined but wanted to make some additional points.

My main takeaway from the essay (and I suspect adcoms would have this takeaway as well) is that you're pompous and think you're brilliant. I'm sure you are not pompous, of course, and are just trying to make yourself look intelligent, but they will hopefully see that from your LSAT and GPA. What you really want to go for is a statement that says a bit more about you as a person.

To answer your questions:

1. Sort of/not really. I get that you are trying to demonstrate your improved logical reasoning and writing ability throughout college but the essay doesn't demonstrate it.
2. Quite difficult.
3. I wouldn't say it comes off as being amateurish and poor writing, but I would say that it is neither simple nor concise. It is long and unwieldy, and takes several paragraphs to say something you could say in a couple sentences at most.

Specifically:
1. You use too many big words in a way that makes it apparent you are trying to show off your obviously impressive vocabulary. Example: "distilling the intricacy and mundaneness of experience into a form of trenchant pithiness that evokes catharsis and cogency at once, an art I was eager to master." That sort of writing is rampant throughout the essay. It shouldn't take an English PhD to process what you're saying.

2. Many of your sentences are entirely too long. Example: "I also went through recruiting for consulting though having a preference for a career in law because I saw value in an environment where I will be constantly confronted with new problems and driven to apply my own analytical tools to look for innovative yet practical solutions." This is part of what makes it unwieldy.

3. The metaphor of navigating a ship through dangerous waters is very tired. I would ditch it.

Hope that's helpful.

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neprep
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Re: Thoughts on 1st draft PS. Ruthlessness much appreciated.

Postby neprep » Sat Nov 09, 2013 2:13 pm

sah wrote:1. You use too many big words in a way that makes it apparent you are trying to show off your obviously impressive vocabulary. Example: "distilling the intricacy and mundaneness of experience into a form of trenchant pithiness that evokes catharsis and cogency at once, an art I was eager to master." That sort of writing is rampant throughout the essay. It shouldn't take an English PhD to process what you're saying.


I completely agree with this. While there's nothing wrong with using the odd $10 word, using several in a row as you have comes across as being deliberately difficult.




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