DELETED!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
amh
Posts: 101
Joined: Thu Nov 07, 2013 11:58 am

DELETED!!

Postby amh » Thu Nov 07, 2013 12:24 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by amh on Fri Nov 08, 2013 1:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: 2nd PS Draft!! Help!!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Nov 07, 2013 1:14 pm

I was going to respond to your previous draft but you deleted the topic in my mid response :(

In any case this draft dont look any different,

"Despite these difficulties confronting my mother, her children obtaining an education was of little worry" is awkward, it implies both that she thinks you will get an education right away or dont care at all

More generally:

You really dont sell anything besides you had difficulties in life, but so what? Sure you moved around, but you need tell me what you learnt during those moves, thats the story you should focus on. Why did you start attending school (it seems like your were blaming your parents for lack of attendance in school)? What did your grandparents teach you to help you attend? Why did you move? Disrespecting your parents with the quote "dont end up like them" is simply awful, education is not the end all to life.

Also, you dont convince the reader at any point of any reason of why you want to pursue human rights, innocent project, or Duke, it seems like you are simply name dropping.

I suggest you go back to the drawing board and come up with some solid ideas of what you want to convince the readers of, and how that connects to law, and Duke specifically, connect the jumps you are making fluidly.

amh
Posts: 101
Joined: Thu Nov 07, 2013 11:58 am

Re: 2nd PS Draft!! Help!!

Postby amh » Thu Nov 07, 2013 1:24 pm

Sorry about that. I did just edit this one again because I realized that the draft I meant to post did not get copied correctly. In any case, the draft that I wanted reviewed is up now. I have removed the mentions of what type of law I intend to practice. With the education statement regarding my mother I am attempting to imply that she does not care about education and that she did not care whether or not her kids received an education.

What I am attempting to convey throughout is that people cannot go at it alone. Help from others is an important part of life and without help I would not be where I am now and that I realize that and want to carry it over into the legal profession and law school.

I appreciate your comments. I am just having a difficult time with this entire process.

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: 2nd PS Draft!! Help!!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:09 pm

My commentary remains the same, I think what I have left is pretty clear.

This is a difficult process, because when people post their statement they expect others to note small grammatical/sentencing changes, but thats only when the general theme/topic is good enough, which is what I think you have a hard time getting through.




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