Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 06, 2013 11:04 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 11, 2013 7:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.

lawschool2014hopeful
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Nov 07, 2013 12:02 am

Fair statement

You had a strong narrative start

However, half way through, it felt dragged on, the 2nd/3rd/4th paragraph was essentially telling me the samething, you had a difficulty, you tried really hard, and you conquered.

In the last paragraph, you went over your other skills WAY TOO QUICK. You spend your entire statement focusing on 1 thing, conquering challenges and persistence, then you just simply list all of the other skills you learnt? That seems bit weird

Suggestion:

Shorten your challenge/conquer portion, and pick 1 or 2 thing you really feel important to your application/life and elaborate upon it, preferably something that transitions well from your training exercises.

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 1:54 am

Thanks, that was a really good criticism. I'm reading over it now and I could totally see the repetition/dragging on you pointed out. I'm definitely making changes to fix that.

As for the final paragraph having too many things covered too quickly, you're probably right but your suggestion on how to fix it kind of scares me. It makes sense, but from the start I wanted my PS to be pretty simple and highlight only one major experience/accomplishment. I've seen other ppl do a great job of showcasing two or even three skills/experiences rlly well but I don't think I can do it effectively. Maybe one way of fixing the problem is by simply removing a point or two from that list?

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Hipster but Athletic
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Hipster but Athletic » Thu Nov 07, 2013 1:58 am

I'm anti-narrative starts, but this one is decent actually. But it goes on way too long. You need to at least HINT at why you're going to law school early on. I don't have time for short stories and I'm just a regular guy. Have some sympathy for your adcoms and just tell them why you rock.

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Danger Zone
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Danger Zone » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:00 am

Looks good

Can I get my gift card now

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redsox
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby redsox » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:02 am

Danger Zone wrote:Looks good

Can I get my gift card now

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hephaestus
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby hephaestus » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:05 am

redsox wrote:
Danger Zone wrote:Looks good

Can I get my gift card now

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:27 am

ImNoScar wrote:
redsox wrote:
Danger Zone wrote:Looks good

Can I get my gift card now


OP here. Danger Zone provided an extremely thoughtful comment and will be entered to the prize drawing. Redsox and ImNoScat-- you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

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redsox
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby redsox » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:32 am

Anonymous User wrote:OP here. Danger Zone provided an extremely thoughtful comment and will be entered to the prize drawing. Redsox and ImNoScat-- you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.


Dammit. I could really use that coffee. I'm sitting, somewhat hungover, in a hostel in Bangkok trying to write a personal statement of my own, and all I've got is "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."

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Hipster but Athletic
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Hipster but Athletic » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:41 am

redsox wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:OP here. Danger Zone provided an extremely thoughtful comment and will be entered to the prize drawing. Redsox and ImNoScat-- you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.


Dammit. I could really use that coffee. I'm sitting, somewhat hungover, in a hostel in Bangkok trying to write a personal statement of my own, and all I've got is "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."

Let's crowd source your personal statement. Here's a start:

"Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after." My grandmother always told me that I could do anything if I put my mind towards it. But creative writing has always eluded me. I do not know what it is about sausage that I find so alluring, but I was determined to write a story it. And so as I sat in my hostel in Bangkok trying to plan all of the great things that Baldrick the sausage would do in my story, I began to question the enterprise of creative writing. Why must stories be long? Why must sausage do anything besides live happily? Better yet, why can I not simply live and be happy? The answer is simple. Sausages are not alive, and I need money.
My contempt for the "system" is what drives me to law school. I not only want to change the system, I want to blow it up. Not violently, mind you. But I want a revolution.


Now continue it.

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 4:58 am

Hipster but Athletic wrote:I'm anti-narrative starts, but this one is decent actually. But it goes on way too long.


The dragging on issue seems to be a real problem and will be the focus of my revision. Thanks.

Hipster but Athletic wrote: You need to at least HINT at why you're going to law school early on.


I think I deliberately avoided the WHY question because my answer to it is so bad. Maybe I'll try to hint at those experiences/qualities I put in the last paragraph earlier in the paper though.

redsox wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:OP here. Danger Zone provided an extremely thoughtful comment and will be entered to the prize drawing. Redsox and ImNoScat-- you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.


Dammit. I could really use that coffee. I'm sitting, somewhat hungover, in a hostel in Bangkok trying to write a personal statement of my own, and all I've got is "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."


You just got me hooked on Blackadder you bastard (I love you Redsox and I want to have your babies).

lawschool2014hopeful
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Nov 07, 2013 9:54 am

Anonymous User wrote:Thanks, that was a really good criticism. I'm reading over it now and I could totally see the repetition/dragging on you pointed out. I'm definitely making changes to fix that.

As for the final paragraph having too many things covered too quickly, you're probably right but your suggestion on how to fix it kind of scares me. It makes sense, but from the start I wanted my PS to be pretty simple and highlight only one major experience/accomplishment. I've seen other ppl do a great job of showcasing two or even three skills/experiences rlly well but I don't think I can do it effectively. Maybe one way of fixing the problem is by simply removing a point or two from that list?


Honestly, if you do that I feel like your PS is simply too short. If you are lazy about it, you should at least have 2 parts fire fighter story, which is what most I have read do. They first explain the origin in detail, followed by a major experience, then the lesson taught, followed by the implications (the exact order of this of course, can vary).

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:44 pm

jimmierock wrote:
Honestly, if you do that I feel like your PS is simply too short. If you are lazy about it, you should at least have 2 parts fire fighter story, which is what most I have read do. They first explain the origin in detail, followed by a major experience, then the lesson taught, followed by the implications (the exact order of this of course, can vary).



No not lazy about it.. just felt like i couldn't write it effectively, but i'm going to try to now. Thanks. Obviously, by short I take it you're not talking about length but substance.

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 6:28 pm

.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 11, 2013 7:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 07, 2013 6:30 pm

jimmierock wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Thanks, that was a really good criticism. I'm reading over it now and I could totally see the repetition/dragging on you pointed out. I'm definitely making changes to fix that.

As for the final paragraph having too many things covered too quickly, you're probably right but your suggestion on how to fix it kind of scares me. It makes sense, but from the start I wanted my PS to be pretty simple and highlight only one major experience/accomplishment. I've seen other ppl do a great job of showcasing two or even three skills/experiences rlly well but I don't think I can do it effectively. Maybe one way of fixing the problem is by simply removing a point or two from that list?


Honestly, if you do that I feel like your PS is simply too short. If you are lazy about it, you should at least have 2 parts fire fighter story, which is what most I have read do. They first explain the origin in detail, followed by a major experience, then the lesson taught, followed by the implications (the exact order of this of course, can vary).



Just posted the second draft. I don't think I went into another thing as much as you probably had in mind, but let me know what you think of it. Thanks again. I really liked your criticisms.

Btw, I really don't like the ending but I have no clue how to make it better.

lawschool2014hopeful
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Nov 07, 2013 7:31 pm

Your second draft is significantly better

I experienced more failures at the training center, of course, but I turned my doubts into reasons to try harder yet.
_> redudant

Over those years I gained the courage required to run towards burning buildings when others were running away, the discipline required to put my personal life aside time after time in order to keep pace with demanding training and shift schedules, and the leadership skills required to guide new recruits and rookies, taking responsibility for their safety during structure fires and motor vehicle collisions when others were panicking and lives were on the line.
-> This is a really long list, reduce it.

Participating in numerous fire safety and awareness events held at schools and churches helped develop my communication skills. Serving low-income communities helped me appreciate the value of assisting those in need and the immense personal satisfaction that comes with it.
-> pick one, and explain, how did you develop communication skills? Did you lead the fire drills?


As for the last paragraph:
Avoid name and school dropping unless they are from the school you are applying too, it really just seems arrogant.
You could sell me why legal theory interested you. Your connection to law is a simple you telling you delved into law. Why did you find law interesting? What was it particularly that legal and political theory that you found interesting? How is that relevant to the rest of your statement? Once you answer those questions, I think your ending will write itself, and you scrap the cliche placeholder you have wrote.

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redsox
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Re: Help with PS! FREE PRIZE INSIDE!!!

Postby redsox » Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:58 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
redsox wrote:Dammit. I could really use that coffee. I'm sitting, somewhat hungover, in a hostel in Bangkok trying to write a personal statement of my own, and all I've got is "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."


You just got me hooked on Blackadder you bastard (I love you Redsox and I want to have your babies).


I'm glad someone bothered to figure out where I plagiarized my entire statement from. Enjoy.




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