NYU Early Admission Need advice about PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2013 2:00 pm

NYU Early Admission Need advice about PS

Postby sblock60 » Tue Nov 05, 2013 2:33 pm

Last edited by sblock60 on Tue Apr 01, 2014 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Carlo Von Sexron

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Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:48 pm

Re: NYU Early Admission Need advice about PS

Postby Carlo Von Sexron » Tue Nov 05, 2013 10:42 pm

I'm going to be brutally honest, man. It needs a lot of work. Like, you need to completely rethink what you want to say, and then say it in a more convincing way than you do here.

The main problem, as I see it, is your essay totally lacks a central thesis. You start out talking about skydiving and your fear of flying, then jump into interning for a congressman, to how you want to practice "international law" because you interned for an MP. (Warning: studying abroad does not on its own tell one what international law actually is, let alone provide insight into its practice. But that's for another thread.) Then you go into a glib critique about what you, a former intern, thinks is wrong with representative democracy, and conclude with an overlong paragraph that tells me nothing other than that you really super want to go to NYU and they should totally admit you.

You also misuse a number of words, such as "literally" and "intricate."

And "thirst for diversity"? What does that mean??

To turn this around, you need to ask yourself two things. First, if you could put a newspaper headline on this essay, what would it be? Second, among everything you've written here, what parts actually support that headline? Keep the parts that do support it; lose the rest. Then add concrete details that do support it.

You've still got almost two weeks, so you're not completely fucked. Rewrite and re-post in a few days. Good luck.

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