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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:42 am
by OnaFets
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Re: Rough draft HYS. Any help appreciated, also help to cut it

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:57 am
by efeinste
Really, you're doing two things in your paper: (1) demonstrating certain character traits that would help kick ass as a law student and lawyer (e.g., analytical thinking, creative thinking, problem solving, etc.) and (2) explaining how, somewhat unexpectedly (after all, you traveled to India for the internship, not to look at garbage), you developed an interest in environmental law. You do a great job at (1) and just an okay job at (2). This isn't surprising when you consider that about 90-95% of your sentences are premises in support of the conclusion in (1). My suggestion: flesh out (2) by elaborating more on why you believe environmental regulation is an issue in India and (b) how positive changes in environmental regulation and the enforcement thereof would benefit the "expressionless unwashed faces of children in dirty torn clothing" for whom most of your readers will feel a tremendous amount of compassion.

If you really want to take this to the next level, I would try harder to emphasize the parallels between your proven, well-quantified success as a problem-solving intern with your future success as an attorney working in environmental law. To be sure, you are not yet a lawyer, and it would be naive to think you could provide a sophisticated analysis of how, exactly, people in the legal profession might work to create cleaner, healthier living conditions in countries like India. Nevertheless, you could still emphasize this comparison rhetorically, to the extent that you are able.

Re: Rough draft HYS. Any help appreciated, also help to cut it

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:20 pm
by OnaFets
Deleted

Big Thanks to efeinste again!

Re: Rough draft HYS. Any help appreciated, also help to cut it

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:14 pm
by OnaFets
Deleted