Second try, looking for lots of input please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273571
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Second try, looking for lots of input please!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:54 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Nov 02, 2013 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Trajectory
Posts: 101
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:04 pm

Re: Second try, looking for lots of input please!

Postby Trajectory » Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:07 pm

"The moment I realized the tremendous importance of this connection we had occurred as I read his final paper, an autobiography."

This sentence does not make sense to me. Did you mean, "The moment I realized the tremendous importance of this connection was when I read his final paper, an autobiography." ....???

"...found herself in a stabler financial situation..." Perhaps use the word, "better" financial situation? I don't know why stabler sounded funny to me.

"...empowered me to work toward fostering this same sense of a trusting bond with those also lacking such." Lacking such a connection?

"By coupling what I have learned regarding the importance of meaningful connection..." ...of "a" meaningful connection or of meaningful connection(s)?


Overall I think you are on the right track, but isn't this kind of long? Also you have 3 topics here, teaching the Vietnamese child, helping the woman at the Feeding Children program and working at the firm where you experienced client disconnect. Wouldn't it be better to focus on 1 or 2 things that you really describe in detail, like I found that 3rd paragraph a little to long and full of superfulous information and all in all for you to just conclude that you gave her some food (not trying to be mean here). I feel like that paragraph could be better used or maybe even eliminated to shorten the essay if it is indeed too long.

I like the tie in to the conclusion. Definitely like the story about the Vietnamese child. The firm topic is decent, I thought.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273571
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Second try, looking for lots of input please!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 01, 2013 3:15 pm

Trajectory wrote:"The moment I realized the tremendous importance of this connection we had occurred as I read his final paper, an autobiography."

This sentence does not make sense to me. Did you mean, "The moment I realized the tremendous importance of this connection was when I read his final paper, an autobiography." ....???

"...found herself in a stabler financial situation..." Perhaps use the word, "better" financial situation? I don't know why stabler sounded funny to me.

"...empowered me to work toward fostering this same sense of a trusting bond with those also lacking such." Lacking such a connection?

"By coupling what I have learned regarding the importance of meaningful connection..." ...of "a" meaningful connection or of meaningful connection(s)?


Overall I think you are on the right track, but isn't this kind of long? Also you have 3 topics here, teaching the Vietnamese child, helping the woman at the Feeding Children program and working at the firm where you experienced client disconnect. Wouldn't it be better to focus on 1 or 2 things that you really describe in detail, like I found that 3rd paragraph a little to long and full of superfulous information and all in all for you to just conclude that you gave her some food (not trying to be mean here). I feel like that paragraph could be better used or maybe even eliminated to shorten the essay if it is indeed too long.

I like the tie in to the conclusion. Definitely like the story about the Vietnamese child. The firm topic is decent, I thought.


Thanks so much for the reply. Yes I do know it's a little on the long side, the schools I'm aiming for allow 4 pages and I will definitely shorten it up for the others that have a max of 2. I'll consider removing the third paragraph for those that require a 2 page limit. And I totally agree about the sentences you mentioned, definitely a bit awkward and I will work on re-wording :)




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