PS first draft - The good, the bad and the ugly.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273574
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PS first draft - The good, the bad and the ugly.

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:52 am

I kind of just opened a word document and started writing for two pages, I left a little room at the end for a good ending line or two, I'm still trying to think about it. But all of your criticism is appreciated, as well as any good ending liners you can think of. Seriously, this ending thing is killing me. Also apologies for any spelling and grammatical errors, I'm a lazy proofreader.

I was born on a pleasant November morning in New Delhi. My mother was alone in the delivery room, awake but anesthetized. When her blood pressure began to surge during her C-section, the doctor began yelling at the nurse to put her under but my mother yelled even louder, “Is it a girl?” I was. My mother smiled and drifted off to sleep. Pre-natal sex determination was, and still is, illegal in India due to a high female feticide rate. Despite this, since the year I was born, 80% of districts in India have reported a rising male sex ratio. While my family celebrated their long awaited baby girl, female infants elsewhere were buried alive, drowned and thrown into dumpsters. While my father dreamt about the great life his daughter had ahead of her, other fathers sat is misery over their new dowry burden.
Lately, India’s gender gap has made the news. A slew of horrific rape cases has captured the world’s eye and brought attention to gender equality issues that have plagued my mind since a very early age. When I was 5, my maid’s 13 year old daughter abruptly dropped out of school. After much probing I was told that it was because her school did not have adequate toilets. “But her son still goes to school, doesn’t he need toilets too?” I asked my mother. “No, he’s a boy,” she said. When I was 8, I watched a news story about a dowry death, the reporter kept emphasizing that the husband ‘claimed’ his new wife’s sari caught on fire while she was cooking. When I was 12, a good friend of mine told me she was excited because her parents had just told her she would be arranged to marry at 18. I asked her when her twin brother was getting married, “when he’s 24.” When I was 15, I got into an argument with my mother during a trip to India over my curfew, it was significantly earlier than my curfew in Shanghai and my brother’s. “I’m sorry,” she said, “that’s the way this country is. It’s not safe for girls and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t change the way it is.” That’s when I decided to change it myself.
I began doing everything I thought I could. I participated in walks, I signed petitions, I bought buttons, and I did so for many years under the guise of ‘contributing’. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized the futility of it all. When I went to Washington DC for college, blocks away from the White House, it seemed like every week there was a march for something or another - gay rights, women’s rights, gun control – but standing there, in front of the White House, repeating a catchy slogan and staring around at hundreds of people who were so passionate about this cause I realized something; You can’t change the world with protests and petitions. You can scream yourself hoarse, but no one will hear you. If you want to change the world, or in my case, just a small part of it, you have to put yourself in a position to do so.
That is why I want to go to law school. It is my duty to fight for the Indian women who weren’t as lucky as I was, to be a voice for those who do not have one. I want reasonable sanitary facilities in all schools, I want mandatory jail time for statutory rape and child marriage, I want safe houses for unwanted babies, I could go on forever. By enacting legislation like this, I hope that in time women will be empowered to stand up for themselves, to demand safety, education and equality.

Trajectory
Posts: 101
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:04 pm

Re: PS first draft - The good, the bad and the ugly.

Postby Trajectory » Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:27 pm

I don't know how I feel about saying, "I was born on a pleasant November morning..." Perhaps just I was born on November morning in New Dehli. Or maybe a different descriptive word?

You used dowry twice and it stood to me, perhaps a different word for one of the times?

I asked her when her twin brother was getting married, “when he’s 24.” ..."when he's 24" she replied/said etc"

"If you want to change the world, or in my case, just a small part of it, you have to put yourself in a position to do so. " ...what if you just said, "If you want to make a change in this world, you have to put yourself in a position do so" ..?

I like the paragraph where you describe watching protests around the white house and how that didn't accomplish anything so it motivated you. But Im not sure about your current conclusion, I think its a little much stating these things, "I want reasonable sanitary facilities in all schools, I want mandatory jail time for statutory rape and child marriage, I want safe houses for unwanted babies, I could go on forever. " ....That said, its still your first draft so it can all be fixed/changed. Maybe these passions you have could be stated differently.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.