My PS first draft

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OsaroLJ
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:37 pm

My PS first draft

Postby OsaroLJ » Wed Oct 30, 2013 8:01 pm

Please guys, tear this shit up, spit on it, whatever but help me make it good.

My dream to become a lawyer is one is the culmination of my experiences and my story. Growing up as an immigrant in the United States had its share of struggles. I was born in Nigeria but left at the age of 10. Frightened and bewildered, I left a world where I had roots and anchors and stumbled into a world where I knew nobody. The most simple and rudimentary tasks of everyday life became a challenge for me. For example, even though I grew up speaking English, it took me months to adjust the pace of the American speech. In addition to that, I was made fun of due to my color of skin and my Nigerian accent. I was lonely and unable to connect with people.

However, I made the adjustments. I realized that I had to attack school from a very different perspective. I learned that people who stand out (in either a positive or negative manner) generally have a unique opportunity to be accepted by others. I chose to exhibit exceptional aptitude for academics and the days of being ostracized for my African background were over.

Many at that point assumed and expected that I would immediately go into further education in Law or Medicine. However, I have never been one to live the dreams of others; I have always chosen to live my own dreams. During my high school days, my dream was to pursue religious studies. And to the horror of my parents, that's exactly what I did. What my parents struggled to understand was that I had made a commitment to live by my passions.

Halfway through my undergraduate years, I was dissatisfied and bored with my degree in religion and I didn't know why. However, in the summer of 2006, I spent a summer in a post-Katrina New Orleans. I led mission groups into the city on a weekly basis to help the returning population begin the process of gutting and repairing their broken homes. I learned that I have a desire to defend and advocate for people. At that point I decided to commit to a Masters program in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Getting a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy allowed me to live out my dream of advocating for people. It allowed me to work in a mental health hospital dealing with people who had drug/alcohol and mental health illnesses.Furthermore, I got a chance to work with different teams thereby learning the valuable lessons of teamwork and group processes. However, I was still dissatisfied. I felt that something was still missing for me.

I have since learned that there are certain in values that I prize: advocating for people, defending the defenseless, and being intellectually challenged. And so my dream has changed, again. I want to be a Lawyer because I think it provides me with the best opportunity to be everything that I want to be.

OsaroLJ
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:37 pm

Re: My PS first draft

Postby OsaroLJ » Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:50 am

Common guys. Hook me up with something!

Trajectory
Posts: 101
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:04 pm

Re: My PS first draft

Postby Trajectory » Thu Oct 31, 2013 10:31 am

I can somewhat relate as my topic also revolves around the same idea.

But just a few small things: "I was made fun of due to my color of skin..." this didn't sound right from my initial read. Maybe change it to "...skin color..."

Im not a fan of starting sentences with "And." So maybe this, "During my high school days, my dream was to pursue religious studies. And to the horror of my parents, that's exactly what I did." could be changed to "During my high school days, my dream was to pursue religious studies and, to the horror of my parents, that's exactly what I did."...or some variation for a more fluid read.

" ...illnesses.Furthermore..." Put a space between illness and next sentence.


Thats some easy structure change to sentences that stood out to me. But for the main part I like the idea. I think on the last paragraph you can elaborate a little more in detail with a more heartfelt touch to it, by tying up some more things about your time spent getting a Masters and helping drug/alcohol addicts as well as the time spent helping Katrina victims. I think these points need to be expanded on so they can touch the reader more. As in more detail in what drives you because Im getting that...You got X degree. Got bored, helped some people, got a masters to see if thats any better, dealt with some more people, still dissatisfied and bored now trying to go to law school, ....maybe bounce around after that too? You see what I'm saying?

I think this can be fixed by some more detail and a stronger conclusion

Edit: Corrected my own mistakes hah
Last edited by Trajectory on Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

OsaroLJ
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:37 pm

Re: My PS first draft

Postby OsaroLJ » Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:14 am

Good stuff. Will revise. Pls give me more insight on your perspective on my conclusion.

Trajectory
Posts: 101
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:04 pm

Re: My PS first draft

Postby Trajectory » Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:29 am

Well I guess it just sounds dry to me. Its barely 3 sentences, sounds contrived instead of it naturally flowing out of the previous paragraphs.

OsaroLJ
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:37 pm

Re: My PS first draft

Postby OsaroLJ » Thu Oct 31, 2013 6:45 pm

Thanks!




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