P.S. Need guidance- First Draft incomplete plz help

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P.S. Need guidance- First Draft incomplete plz help

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:00 pm

I remember with preciseness my last indulgence in naïve serenity. A bumpy ride through Las Virgenes canyon in my ragged yet nostalgia inducing 61’ beetle served to further compound anticipation for the seemingly unattainable crossroads between my wildest dreams and reality. A pleasant interruption to my mind’s illustrations, the cascading heights of the Santa Monica Mountains, had retreated to reveal the form of beauty in the Pacific Ocean. In that moment the color blue was free from abstraction, as it elicited understanding from all five senses. The excitement was made real not by the phenomena alone, but by the fact that I would experience it every day. My new home was Malibu, California and I assured myself that sufficiency for happiness had been far overreached. However, as days turned to weeks and weeks into months, my unconditional elation had given way to apathy and contentedness. What was supposed to be my college journey instead became a destination, and a means to an end had become an end in and of itself. I was already in paradise, and motivating factors seemed negligible.

It was not until my Ancient Philosophy class that I experienced a much-needed personal renaissance that resurrected my passions in a meaningful and positive way. In The Republic, Plato contemplates the phenomena of Akrasia, the state of acting against one’s better judgment. He posits that the soul is divided into three agents: the appetitive, the spirited, and the rational. The appetitive and spirited are base parts of the soul, and act to stimulate the desire for all things irrational and often unhealthy. The rational, on the other hand, is purely concerned with the pursuit of knowledge and goodness. Accordingly, one who lets one’s self be ruled by the base parts of the soul, is prompted to act in discord with their true rational intentions.

A meaningful paradigm shift accompanied the words as I read them, and the material seemed to evoke a transcendence of the temporal understanding I was accustomed to. I realized that I had become a victim of Akrasia, submissive to my irrational desires, and worst of all, unaware that I wasn’t effectively pursuing my passions. After acknowledging the disparity between my current situation and my untapped potential, I was prompted to make an important change. I decided to join the university debate team. Debate was an activity I had been prolific in during High School and I felt compelled to hone in on my proclivity for public speaking. Along the same lines, I began volunteering for Granada Hills high school, assisting students in the Urban Debate League by judging and evaluating their debates. I also entered the campus wide speech contest in which I placed as a semi-finalist with my speech advocating health care reform.

Reinvigorating my passion for speech and argumentation seemed to have positive externalities as it coincided with a drive to excel in other unrelated areas. I found myself cognizant of my weaknesses, allowing me to disallow facades of pleasure, and pursue with vigor my personal white whale. Academics transformed from a mere task into a crucial stepping-stone toward realizing my goals.

Aristotle argued that an individual’s existence be evaluated on the basis of both the realization of, and effectiveness in executing one’s function. Accepting this maxim can often bring more questions than answers due to difficulties in determining an optimal path. In my case, however, I have found it to be extremely enlightening. Understanding what I do best and enjoy the most has allowed me to harness the breadth and depth of my abilities in pursuit of my function, a function I believe is best enhanced by attending law school.

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Re: P.S. Need guidance- First Draft incomplete plz help

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:31 pm


I stopped reading at the third sentence because your language is unbelievably pretentious. Cramming as many big words and attempts at complex sentence construction as possible into your writing doesn't make you look smarter, it makes you look desperate and obscures what you're actually trying to communicate.

Aim for clarity and brevity, not showing off your entire vocabulary in 2 pages.


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Re: P.S. Need guidance- First Draft incomplete plz help

Postby Daily_Double » Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:44 pm

Last edited by Daily_Double on Fri Nov 15, 2013 12:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: P.S. Need guidance- First Draft incomplete plz help

Postby kellohitty » Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:23 pm

Did you eat a thesaurus? I'm sorry, but I think you have a lot of work to do.

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