Second time's the charm!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
crisgcia
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Jun 04, 2012 12:13 am

Second time's the charm!

Postby crisgcia » Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:10 pm

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Last edited by crisgcia on Wed Nov 20, 2013 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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RCO2012
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:38 pm

Re: Second time's the charm!

Postby RCO2012 » Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:43 pm

crisgcia wrote:Again, go crazy and rip it to the usual amount of shreds. Thank you for your input, you're all very wonderful and I appreciate your comments.

My friend threw a potluck party in her dorm to celebrate her twentieth birthday, asking everyone to contribute one dish for the occasion. I looked forward to an evening of delectable dishes from around the residential college, but when the smorgasbord turned out to be three plates of macaroni and cheese and two boxes of pizza, my heart sunk. Yet again, I relied on my special cupcake to keep my hunger at bay.
I had grown used to bringing my own cupcakes to birthday parties, knowing that even a bite of the cake my friends lovingly baked could leave me in agony for hours. During my sophomore year of college, I was diagnosed with celiac disease, a hereditary, autoimmune disease where my body would attack itself if I had even the tiniest particle of gluten; a protein commonly found in wheat, barley, rye and processed foods. If I avoided any foods that contained gluten ingredients for the rest my life, my gastroenterologist assured me I’d be just fine.
But I still wasn’t fine. As soon as I started adopting a gluten free diet, I was forced into another world where every meal I ate looked suspicious. If I wasn’t careful enough, I stood the risk of getting “glutened” and spending the next few hours in pain as my immune system attacked my body.
When I learned to prepare my own gluten free meals and make careful decisions about my dining options at restaurants, my body rewarded me. A few months later, I no longer suffered from the fatigue and vitamin deficiencies that defined my childhood and, as my health recovered from years of abuse, my energy levels and academic performance skyrocketed.
I realized that this disease, although it defined my diet, it did not define my life and that, if I could only rely on myself, then I wanted to make the most of what was available to me. I became my body’s first line of defense against gluten, and went from a microwave dependent student to a culinary professional by developing my cooking skills through, albeit unsavory at times, trial and error. The first, second, and third time I made gluten free cake from scratch, the recipe never matched the tasty texture of its gluten counterpart, but I continued to practice, and, now, I am one of the first people my friends approach to bake cakes for their birthdays, regardless of whether they can eat gluten or not.
Just like my diagnosis, life will always present unforeseen situations that could leave me in a worse place than I was before. Although the study of law always fascinated me in my undergraduate courses, it was only when I began working as a legal assistant that I was once again placed in an unfamiliar setting. Everyday, I walked into work to deal with banking assistants and Florida business statutes, and felt overwhelmed by the complexity of the financial law sector.
However, my disease placed me in similar circumstances before, and I knew that the same discipline I learned could assist me now. By reading financial periodicals daily to improve my understanding of my new work and repeatedly asking questions from my colleagues regarding assignments, I made a point to overcome these difficulties with the same vigor as my celiac disease.
As I pursue the legal profession, I realize that I will enter yet another world with its own challenges. However, I welcome them, understanding that my willingness to overcome those obstacles and become an accomplished lawyer will serve me well in this cause.


I can't really say that this tells me very much about you. All I really know is that you have celiac disease, you are a legal assistant working with the financial sector, and you make yummy gluten-free cupcakes. I have a feeling that you're trying to get across to the adcomms that you are someone is willing to work through obstacles even though they may be tough, but that is not communicated well in the statement. I do not think the celiac part is significant enough to take that much of your statement it may be a good transition into another experience that better shows your personality and character (maybe an experience at work or school where you had to overcome a significant obstacle and made changes). Also, some more self-reflection and what you have learned, how you have grown, etc. would be good. Finally, I almost stopped reading at the first paragraph. The introduction is not strong and does not grab your readers attention. What grabbed my attention was your "special cupcake," but I can't say it grabbed my attention in a good way. I know that's a lot, and I hated getting feedback over and over again on my PS, because each time I felt like I had something really good. Now, my PS is done, and it took many people telling me that I needed to start over, reorganize, reconsider, etc. before I got to that point. So, here's to wishing you the best of luck and continued perseverance!

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: Second time's the charm!

Postby Ramius » Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:30 am

I agree with what the above poster said about this not highlighting enough of your strong qualities. It seems like you're shooting for perseverance and ingenuity, but instead you're hitting on an unfortunate circumstance that you learned how to deal with. It's just not enough. Additionally, you have some awkward phrasing throughout and you use commas excessively on several instances. Here are two as an example:

The first, second, and third time I made gluten free cake from scratch, the recipe never matched the tasty texture of its gluten counterpart, but I continued to practice, and, now, I am one of the first people my friends approach to bake cakes for their birthdays, regardless of whether they can eat gluten or not.


A few months later, I no longer suffered from the fatigue and vitamin deficiencies that defined my childhood and, as my health recovered from years of abuse, my energy levels and academic performance skyrocketed.


Keep thinking and keep working and I think you can make this into a decent PS. GL!

Total Litigator
Posts: 695
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:17 pm

Re: Second time's the charm!

Postby Total Litigator » Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:48 am

Really really boring...




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