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2nd draft - Any comments appreciated!

Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 1:46 am
by Anonymous User
Malleus, thank you so much for your comments. I took most of your advice and changed my PS accordingly. However, I think my conclusion is sub-par and a bit rushed.
Again, please be harsh!

“Driven to Succeed” was not a phrase that I was familiar with for the first part of my life. I had neither the maturity nor the responsibility that was required for me to fully comprehend the idea of the phrase. Throughout college I was unconcerned with achieving my academic potential and so I slacked in my studies. I told myself this was because I was simply uninterested in achieving academic success, but as time passed and I started my first career I came to realize that it was actually my lack of drive that held me back.

My first full time job was a godsend in disguise. In 2008 my family was having a financial crisis and I was forced to go back home and help out before I was able to graduate from college. Fortunately, my family was from a country where English, although a foreign language, was in high demand. Because of this demand, English education was immensely popular and teachers were needed in all corners of the country. So began my first career as a teacher.

The responsibility of getting paid for my work and the desperate situation that my family and I were in made me grow up fast. What was once a disinterest in personal success transformed into a desire to work harder than ever. Although I was only required to work 55 hours a week I ended up voluntarily working an average of 80. Whereas before, “good enough” was good enough, now even “perfection” was not enough.

My hard work and maturity did not go unnoticed and I was promoted to positions with greater responsibilities. I was given the opportunity to manage 20, 30, and eventually 40 employees and each day I was given real life lessons on what a professional is. All of this culminated into a greater desire to create something of my own and eventually I had the opportunity to start and operate my own English school. I spent countless nights working on everything from creating curriculum to devising marketing strategies.

However, I came to an impasse with my business partners about the direction of the school and we spent what seemed like months arguing the future of the school. On July 11, 2011 my business partners had squeezed me out of the business. I had no idea what had happened and though I hired a lawyer to get back what was mine the situation did not change and I was left with almost nothing for my hard work. Though my hard work and passion had made the school a success, I was soon on the outside looking in on the past three years of my life.

Although I had always had an interest in law, the fact that I couldn’t legally protect what was mine provided the motivation that caused me to want to pursue law school and become a lawyer. Four years before I would not have had the necessary maturity and motivation to pursue an endeavor as demanding as law school. But I had grown immensely during that time period and I was confident that I would succeed.

However, I did not want to go in blind and figured that having experience working with lawyers would be a logical first step. I initially wanted to work at a law firm as a clerk but because the law school system was only introduced 6 years ago none of the lawyers went to law school but only took the national bar exam. So I decided working with lawyers within a business setting would be more useful. To that end I sought and acquired a position at a top consulting firm in Korea. My time in the consulting industry proved to be the second stage of my professional growth and a time where I perfected my time management skills. Because I was an entry-level hire, I was required to learn various management consulting concepts while working as a full-time analyst on real projects. Evidently, this demanded much of my “after-hour” time and forced me to learn how to prioritize; something that law school students and lawyers must deal with on a daily basis.

Although professional success and academic success can be two different things, my experience in studying for and receiving a top score on the LSAT proved to me that my transformation would readily translate into future academic success. I also believe that my experiences clearly show that I have obtained a drive to succeed and I am confident that this will aid to my success at law school and as a lawyer.

Re: 2nd draft - Any comments appreciated!

Posted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:08 pm
by mandyjay11
It's an OK statement... I have some comments below. I'm not an expert, but I hope to give you a sense of how this statement might read to a stranger.

1. I dont see the value in the quote you started with. I know you are trying to contrast your experience with that quote, but it just falls flat.

2. I actually really hate that you spent a whole paragraph explaining that you were a horrible student just because you didn't care. Maybe you need to resolve this with how you will be a better student now. OR you can cut the whole paragraphy all together and start with the second one.

3. You began a career as a teacher because you spoke english, you had an education, and your family was having financial problems then you talk about it being a "passion" after you lost your money. This doesnt come off as genuine to me. MAybe you had a passion for teaching, but you didnt convey that.

4. You might be better served focusing either your families financial issue (which you vaguely mention or starting and running a company and the experience of being pushed out

5. After reading this, it seems like you want to be a lawyer only because a lawyer didnt do a good enough job at getting you what you thought you deserved from the company you helped start, is that right? Because as an ad-comm I would not admit you for that, especially after you havent even showed me that you would actually care about learning yourself (see # 2)

6. Do not mention LSAT AT ALL.

Re: 2nd draft - Any comments appreciated!

Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:11 am
by Anonymous User
thank you very much!! this helps alot