is this a good personal statement... aside from grammar?

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Anonymous User
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is this a good personal statement... aside from grammar?

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 21, 2013 2:18 pm

When I was fifteen years old, my parents lost our family retail business. We went from making ends meet to being burdened with bills that we couldn’t pay. My family was falling deeper into the ground every day; I could feel the strain beginning to take its toll on my family. My father’s rainy day savings could not support our family for much longer. I was willing to do anything to help my family get out of this slump.

When our situation appeared hopeless, I overheard my cousins complain about how expensive his college textbooks were. This gave me the idea that I could buy and resell college textbooks to make a healthy profit. With years of my birthday gift savings I began purchasing books from local college students to resell nationally on eBay and Amazon.com. My hard work had paid off. I was profiting more than a hundred dollars a day. Used books were in demand. With more money coming in, I was able to keep up with purchasing books from college students. I promised myself that I would give half of any profits I made in this business to my parents to help them pay the bills. I would follow up on my promise every week as I handed my parents the check with a smile on my face knowing that I am doing something to help the situation.

A few months into the start of the business, my sales exploded to the point where I wasn’t able to handle the business by myself. Handling high school, football practices, and this business were becoming very hectic. Unfortunately, in the meantime, neither of my parents could find jobs in the economic crisis. I was doing my absolute best to support my parents while they were looking for work.

I gave my father an opportunity to come into the business with me. I wanted to see my business and my family succeed. Allowing my father in on my business was the only option to see this success. With the money I had saved up from previous months of profit, we created a registered corporation in Florida. I did research on some of the largest publishers in the nation and we created corporate accounts with dozens of them. We expanded the business into ordering textbooks in bulk and selling them on the ecommerce channels. My father coming in on the business with me has helped made it successful. My family realizes that the business played a huge role in giving our family hope and optimism and helped us survive during rough times. It seems like yesterday that we wondered whether dinner was in our budget. Today, we are thankful to be much more financially stable.

The business later faced a legal dispute with one of our suppliers. This case is what sparked my interest in law. One of our publishers had breached a contract and we argued a case in court. The intricacies of the legal system and the entire legal process had me captivated. I fell in love with the legal aspect of business. The subject of business law combined both subjects that I found interesting, business and law. I was in charge of my business’ correspondence with our attorney and I decided that this was the profession that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Skimming through the used legal textbooks sitting in my garage quickly became a weekend hobby of mine. Large cases interested me and I dreamed of one day being able to handle them.

I recently gave my father control over the textbook business, as I will be pursuing a career in law. I hope that one day I can help small business owners, similar to my fifteen-year-old self, get started with the legalities of their businesses and represent them in cases. As a lawyer, I could be supporting what may end up as being the next biggest innovation of our time. In the future, I see myself combining my interest in business and law to one day become the owner of my own law practice specializing in business law. Sometimes I am thankful that my family was put in a tough situation because it led to me discovering something that I have a passion for. Never before now have I believed that things truly do happen for a reason.

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lastsamurai
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Re: is this a good personal statement... aside from grammar?

Postby lastsamurai » Mon Oct 21, 2013 4:21 pm

It's a fine story, but the sentence structure is too simple throughout. Change it up, or you'll risk appearing immature. I think you could make this much more powerful by telling the story in a more narrative or dramatic format instead of just: my family did x, and i did y, now i want to do z.




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