third draft. please come out grammar nazis

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

third draft. please come out grammar nazis

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:50 am

My parents had just lost the family business. We had gone from making ends meet to being burdened with bills that we couldn’t pay off. My family was losing money by the day and I knew something had to be done. All of our expenses were coming out of the little savings that my father had saved up as ‘rainy-day funds’. I was a fifteen year old high school student with two unemployed parents in a desperate situation. I was willing to do anything to help my family get out of this slump.

A few days after we thought we were hopeless, I overheard my cousins complain about how expensive their college textbooks were. I figured that there was money to be made in a business where the goods were overpriced. With years of birthday money that I saved up, I bought dozens of used textbooks from college students who had listings up on craigslist in hopes that I could sell them for a profit. I opened my own eBay and Amazon.com accounts and listed the books at a significantly higher price than what I had bought them for. A few weeks later, I was ecstatic to see my business take off. My hard work and months of research of the textbook industry had paid off big time. I was profiting more than a hundred dollars a day. With more money coming in, I was able to keep up with purchasing books from college students. I swore to myself that I would give half of any profits that I made in this business to my parents to help them pay the bills.

A few months into the start of the business, my sales exploded to the point where I wasn’t able to handle the business by myself. At one point, I found myself making trips to the post office three times a day to ship out the books. Handling high school, football practices, and this business was becoming very hectic. Unfortunately, in the meantime, neither of my parents could find jobs in the economic crisis. I was doing my absolute best to support my parents while they were looking for work.

About 6 months into the business, my father was still unemployed. I decided to give him an opportunity to come into the business with me. I wanted to see my business and my family succeed. Allowing my father in on my business was the only option to see this success. With the money that I had saved up from previous months of profit, we decided to create a registered corporation in Florida. I did research on some of the largest publishers in the nation and we opened up corporate accounts with dozens of them. We expanded the business into ordering textbooks in bulk and selling them on the ecommerce channels.

Recently, I decided to give my father complete control of the textbook business as I would pursue a dream of mine. My desperate attempt to ultimately help my family while they were getting back on their feet proved to be successful. Today, my family realizes that the business I created played a huge role in giving our family hope and optimism in rough times. It seems like yesterday that we wondered whether dinner was in our budget, today we are thankful to be much more financially stable.

I am now almost law school bound. Ever since I opened the business, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in law in hopes that one day I can help small business owners, like my fifteen year old self, get started with the legalities of their businesses. During that time, I had nobody to help me get started. As a lawyer, I could be supporting what could end up as being the next biggest innovation of our time. As a fifteen year old, I needed my business to provide hope and faith to my family during desperate times. As a lawyer, I would like to provide people who have great ideas with the same type of hope that my family gained from my business.

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: third draft. please come out grammar nazis

Postby Ramius » Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:05 am

My parents had just lost the family business. We had gone from making ends meet to being burdened with bills that we couldn’t pay off. (Reconsider the passive voice here) My family was losing money by the day and I knew something had to be done. All of our expenses were coming out of the little savings that my father had saved up as ‘rainy-day funds.’ I was a fifteen year old high school student with two unemployed parents in a desperate situation. I was willing to do anything to help my family get out of this slump.

A few days after we thought we were hopeless, I overheard my cousins complain about how expensive their college textbooks were. I figured that (Remove this) there was money to be made in a business where the goods were overpriced. With years of birthday money that (Remove this too) I saved up, I bought dozens of used textbooks from college students who had listings up on craigslist in hopes that I could sell them for a profit. I opened my own eBay and Amazon.com accounts and listed the books at a significantly higher price than what I had bought them for Avoid ending sentences on a preposition. A few weeks later, I was ecstatic to see my business take off. My hard work and months of research of the textbook industry had paid off big time (Passive again). I was profiting more than a hundred dollars a day. With more money coming in, I was able to keep up with purchasing books from college students. I swore to myself that I would give half of any profits that I made in this business to my parents to help them pay the bills.

A few months into the start of the business, my sales exploded to the point where I wasn’t able to handle the business by myself. At one point, I found myself making trips to the post office three times a day to ship out the books. Handling high school, football practices, and this business was becoming very hectic. Unfortunately, in the meantime, neither of my parents could find jobs in the economic crisis. I was doing my absolute best to support my parents while they were looking for work.

About 6 months into the business, my father was still unemployed. I decided to give him an opportunity to come into the business with me. I wanted to see my business and my family succeed. Allowing my father in on my business was the only option to see this success. With the money that I had saved up from previous months of profit, we decided to create a registered corporation in Florida. I did research on some of the largest publishers in the nation and we opened up corporate accounts with dozens of them. We expanded the business into ordering textbooks in bulk and selling them on the ecommerce channels.

Recently, I decided to give my father complete control of the textbook business as I would pursue a dream of mine. My desperate attempt to ultimately help my family while they were getting back on their feet proved to be successful. Today, my family realizes that the business I created played a huge role in giving our family hope and optimism in rough times. It seems like yesterday that we wondered whether dinner was in our budget, today we are thankful to be much more financially stable.

I am now almost law school bound. Ever since I opened the business, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in law in hopes that one day I can help small business owners, like my fifteen year old self, get started with the legalities of their businesses. During that time, I had nobody to help me get started. As a lawyer, I could be supporting what could end up as being the next biggest innovation of our time. As a fifteen year old, I needed my business to provide hope and faith to my family during desperate times. As a lawyer, I would like to provide people who have great ideas with the same type of hope that my family gained from my business.


The whole last paragraph is awkward in its phrasing. I would seriously consider a heavy revision on all of the wording in it. Beyond that, you use the word 'that' excessively throughout. I noted a few times above where they can be eliminated, but generally speaking, you overuse it. See the above recommendations in red and good luck making your revisions!

Anonymous User
Posts: 273387
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: third draft. please come out grammar nazis

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:31 am

thank you ^^^ that was a lot of help




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