Your criticism, por favor. A (too long) first draft.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Your criticism, por favor. A (too long) first draft.

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:24 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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malleus discentium
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Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:30 am

Re: Your criticism, por favor. A (too long) first draft.

Postby malleus discentium » Sat Oct 19, 2013 8:54 pm

Three thoughts: Is your time in the "local shelter for runaways" when you were "homeless"? If so, I don't know that that's the punchiest thing you could refer to as your big secret. (Plus, it means that you returned to HS immediately after being essentially kidnapped, where nobody knew what had happened but a lawyer you didn't know well did, which is kind of strange.) I think there's a better way to contrast your public life with what was actually going on than just that you were living in a runaway shelter.

Second, I wouldn't include here the graf about being accepted to the conservatory/congressional internship/starting the business. Adcoms don't want your PS to repeat your resume, and since you don't add anything substantive here about those experiences, that's exactly what you're doing.

Third, why did you give up your desire to be a musician? You make kind of a big deal out of it but don't explain why that's not what you want to do now, or even something you did after finishing at the conservatory (you interned and started a business instead, it appears). I suppose it's clear enough that your passion for the law trumped it, but eh. Maybe it's not a big deal.

Otherwise that's a pretty intense and well written PS.

NanaP
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Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:29 pm

Re: Your criticism, por favor. A (too long) first draft.

Postby NanaP » Sat Oct 19, 2013 9:16 pm

malleus discentium wrote:Second, I wouldn't include here the graf about being accepted to the conservatory/congressional internship/starting the business. Adcoms don't want your PS to repeat your resume



Agree with everything you said except this. I think it's perfectly ok to add a line or two about what you did or where you are now, as long as it ties in with the essay. when it comes to adcoms, I think they don't want to read a PS that rehashes the resume, and nothing substantive, but his essay doesn't do that, he just drops a one liner about what he did and I think ties perfectly with the essay, I could be wrong though.......

kritarch
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:44 am

Re: Your criticism, por favor. A (too long) first draft.

Postby kritarch » Sat Oct 19, 2013 9:17 pm

You know it is entirely alright if you simply begin the P.S. with these words:

"Unlike many of my potential classmates, indeed many of the people I meet and work with each and every day, I have been homeless. At seventeen, six-months before I graduated from high school, I made the difficult choice to leave my family after years of abuse. With the help of a local family law attorney, I petitioned and for and was successfully removed from the custody of my dangerously abusive father. With nowhere else to turn, I spent the next several months in a local shelter for runaways. Eventually, a family court judge granted an order of protection, and assigned temporary custody of me to a family in town who wanted to help. After over a decade of abuse, my ordeal was over."

In some sense you are omitting entirely the part of the personal statement that tells you what kind of person you are in favor of this lengthy sob story. But to show who you truly are, you should discuss the feelings, emotions, and changes you have sought to make in your life as a result of these events. The specific facts are dry, even unimportant. You should start where you end and build a personal statement that tells the story of how you have overcome these events over the last 8 years. That would be far more compelling.




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