Ready! Tear Away!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Ready! Tear Away!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 16, 2013 8:18 pm

Edit: Deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Oct 17, 2014 10:30 am, edited 5 times in total.

meegee
Posts: 144
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:00 pm

Re: Critique Needed; Willing to Trade

Postby meegee » Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:15 pm

Some initial thoughts:

"I found myself sitting in an unfamiliar thing" I would change thing to object.
You use prior twice. Why not say [American kindergarten class that had started six weeks ago]
"Throughout my time in Michigan, seven short years" I would just write that as [Throughout my seven short years in Michigan]. Additionally, why not just say neglected, instead of began.
I would also say [the American way] as opposed to "American ways"
You use neglect twice. Why not use ignore for one of them instead.

To be honest, this seems more like a diversity statement than a personal statement. Perhaps it is. If it's a diversity statement, I don't know what else to say except the above. If it's a personal statement, I think you need to elaborate a bit more on what makes you a good candidate for law school. You talk about your travel experiences. Elaborate on that a bit more and why it allowed you to appreciate America's judicial system.

If you could check out my PS as well, that would be great. Please inbox me so I can show you my PS. Thanks and good luck.

Anonymous User
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Re: Critique Needed; Willing to Trade

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 17, 2013 1:56 pm

PM sent! Thanks for the feedback, Ill correct everything and repost the edit!

Anonymous User
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Re: Ready! Tear Away!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 19, 2013 9:38 am

Anyone else care to give this a try and tear it up?!

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BentleyLittle
Posts: 482
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Re: Ready! Tear Away!

Postby BentleyLittle » Sat Oct 19, 2013 10:02 am

I'm not sure how the notion that one must answer "Why Law'" in a PS became convential wisdom but I don't think it's true. Adcoms want to learn something about you they cannot find elsewhere in your app. From the first few paragraphs of this I learn about your roots and story but the "why law" part seems tacked on.

Make your conclusion match the rest of your PS. It's fine to have your PS discuss your diversity.

Google Blueprint's Most Strongly Supported blog and check out Anna Ivey's post on this very topic.

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malleus discentium
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Re: Ready! Tear Away!

Postby malleus discentium » Sat Oct 19, 2013 7:32 pm

Some textual notes:

It wasIn November of 1995 and I was currently living in Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria. My father had moved to Monroe, Michigan a few months priorearlier and I didn’t realize that this was the moment I would be joining him. The commotion in my grandparent’s one-bedroom apartment, a place in whichwhere all six members of my family lived, left me in a state of profound confusion. I had never seen so many boxes and luggage being prepared to go elsewhere. Shortly after, I found myself sitting in an unfamiliar object, an airplane. I turned and asked my mother what we were on it was and when we would be arriving at my Ggrandma’s village house, which was 1an hour away by car. She smiled and simply said, “Son, we are moving to America.”

Being born and raised in Bulgaria up until that point, I had no idea where America was.Why didn't you know this if your father had moved there already? Was it the next town over, the next continent, or across three oceans? To me, iIt was the unknown. It wasn’t even two days after my arrival that I found myself inleaving for an American kindergarten class that had already began begunsix weeks agobefore. While walking in to the school, I instantly became distraught. The unknown fear I felt was rooted fromin my inability to speak English and not knowing anything nothing about the people I was supposed to interact with. My father told me to just be myself, and not long after, I became fluent in English and successfully began to acceptadapt to my new way of life.

Throughout my seven short years in Michigan I neglected my native Bulgarian culture. The more time I spent conquering the English language and American way caused me to want to become more American and less Bulgarian. However,But I was ignoring one of the key things that made me different and something that most people would consider of value. As I began to mature, the importance of holding onto my culture wasbecame obvious.

Fourteen years later, while attending college, I came to terms with the value in having a different perspective on life. I spent the next four years enrolled in college and traveling to fourteen different countries across the world learning to appreciate where I was from. I experienced a variety of culturesfrom the Greek Islands to bargaining in open-air markets in Turkey.The anecdote about the open-air markets is good, and not having one for the islands is strange.

ThroughDuring my travelingexperiences, I witnessed riots, corruption, chaos, and a lack of enforcement of laws. From this, I gained a strong appreciation of the societal and legal laws Lawyers don't have much to do with societal laws as contrasted with legal laws, and since this paragraph functions as a "why law" passage, it's strange to include. that the United States of America havein place. I became enamored byof Enamored is a very strong word to use here.the fact that only a few documents lay at the foundation and hold such a powerful country togetherof such a powerful country and hold it together. I realize the infinite doors that were opened tofor me by moving to Tthe United States of America, a land of opportunity.

During my time in law school I will bring in all of my gained perspectives and I will contribute to the development of any and every legal aspect of my society. Overlofty goal. The opportunity of pursuing [my drive in legal matters would help me further learn and apply the complexity of laws across a variety of situations] in order to attain a better understanding of the underlying workings of society and strive to help others a gain a better understanding of the vast world that we live in.

Some content thoughts.
*The hagiography for America is kind of trite, especially the "infinite doors" part.
*The last paragraph sounds contrived. The second sentence is overwrought and pretty unclear, particularly the part I bracketed; breaking it up would help.
*You mention realizing that "holding onto" your Bulgarian culture was important but you don't talk about how you did it: in fact, you immediately switch to talking about experiencing other cultures. You imply that you struggled with your identity by choosing American over Bulgarian while in M., but how was that actually resolved? "the importance of holding onto my culture" and "I came to terms with the value in having a different perspective on life" are pretty vague.
There aren't really any concrete explanations of what (1) being from Bulgaria and (2) having gone to 14 (!) different countries in college have done to influence who you are as a person. It's mostly just "I saw that other places need better law and order, America has law and order so I like it oh and I will bring these perspectives to law school."

Anonymous User
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Re: Ready! Tear Away!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:41 pm

I really appreciate the above criticism. It took awhile to go over that. Hopefully some things improved! I have revised and edited a big chunk of this now. See what ya think!

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Ready! Tear Away!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:40 pm

Anyone? Really iffy on the slight name dropping of the school, even though I wanted to sort of tailor this to that school




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