Please critique my PS/Willing to trade PS

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Anonymous User
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Please critique my PS/Willing to trade PS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:23 pm

Please be rough and tear it apart. Much thanks in advance.
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My ears perk up to the clattering footsteps. I throw the blanket over my head, as if this would somehow prevent the inevitable events about to transpire. She is coming. The door violently swings open and my brother and I are ordered to get out of bed. She is here. A game of badminton is played. However, there are no nets, there are no shuttlecocks and she is the only person with a badminton racket. The house echoes with her yelling. Tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back with all my strength – I cannot let her see me cry. Suddenly, it is over. She storms out the room, leaving behind pain, fear, and most of all, confusion. I glance over to my brother. His eyes barely meet mine. Limping, I turn the lights back off and carefully crawl back into bed. She is gone, for now.

My mother had always been a strict, dominating figure. Her acts of terror worsened as I grew up. I never knew her behavior was abnormal and I never thought my family was dysfunctional. Physical discipline was the norm in a Taiwanese family and as a result, I always assumed my regular beatings were standard. By the sixth grade, I had realized that none of my friends received daily punishments and none were as severe as mine. However, I brushed it off. After all, this was the woman who gave birth to me. This was just her way of showing her love. Slowly though, I came to doubt my mother. Why the random beatings? Why the severe discipline for little mistakes? Through emotional exploitation, physical domination, and carefully executed schemes, my mother controlled my family. She convinced the court to get a restraining order on my father, despite the fact that he had never abused her. She brainwashed us into believing that my father had abandoned us, when in reality it was because my father could not legally return home. All of this culminated in a divorce that left my family in ruins. My mother and her boyfriend blackmailed my father for our college savings. In exchange, my mother gave up custody.

I no longer knew who to trust and I no longer felt secure – my entire life had been a lie. My mother had never loved me. My family was never normal. My father had abandoned us during our times of need. I holed myself up and shunned the world. I had nothing to look forward to because I simply did not care. Yet my sister reached out to me, despite all my rejections and fits. Brick by brick, she tore down my wall. She filled me in on the story of my family. My father had never abandoned us. The reason he could not return home was because of the restraining order my mother had secured. Gradually, I opened up to the world. I eventually mustered enough courage to tell my friends about the divorce. I apologized for my weird behavior at times and my occasional emotional fluctuations. They embraced me and told me it was alright.

Although I do not appreciate what my abusive mother did to me and my family, my experience with her changed me for the better. I grew up, I became more mature, and I now possess the fortitude to deal with difficult situations. When I was working as a freight broker, everyday was a reminder about how tough the sales industry is. The consistent rejections, the looming goals. I thought to myself, are you going to keep sulking, like you did after your mother left you, or are you going to deal with it? Instead of complaining about my job, I resolved to work harder. I came in an hour early and stayed an hour late. I ate lunch at my desk as I generated lists of prospects to call. I dropped in on weekends to plan for the week ahead. My job experience taught me the significance of work ethic and it has made me more resilient. I learned that instead of seeing your challenges as immovable obstacles, it is better to view them as opportunities to immerse yourself in an uncomfortable situation that forces you to adapt to your circumstances.

Empathy binds us together by giving us the means to understand and bond with one another. It is the foundation for building a thriving and supportive community. My scarring childhood enabled me to better empathize with other people and has shown me that, deep inside, everyone is fighting their own battles. I was spending time with my high school friend during the summer before my college senior year when I noticed he was looking gloomy. I asked him what was bothering him and although he was hesitant at first, he eventually told me that his mother had passed away from cancer one year ago. Knowing what it is like to go through a traumatic experience, I immediately sought to comfort and connect with him. I patted his shoulder as he struggled to find the right words to recount his experience. I listened as he detailed his mother's fatal battle with cancer. I hugged him when remembering his mother's funeral was too much to bear. Empathy allowed me to understand him and empathy allowed me to reach out to him.

My sister's willingness to reach out to me during my bleakest hours taught me how essential it is to lend a helping hand. A healthy community prospers when we support one another. Even simple gestures can go a long way. My small action of asking what was bothering my friend and my persistent effort to reach out to him allowed him to open up to me. Speaking about it helped to lessen the burden of his mother's death. I suggested that he write down his thoughts and feelings, as doing so helped me when I was coping with my struggles. A couple days before he returned to university, he called to thank me for talking to him about his mother. This has furthered my belief that it is important to give back when we can. If I help you out today, perhaps you can help me out tomorrow – today me, tomorrow you.
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I have a few questions.
I didn't edit my margins, and I just used the margins that are already there in my word document (I used Open Office for what it's worth). Will that be fine? At the moment, I am using Times New Roman with 11 font and it comes to exactly 2 double page spaces.

I don't know how to indent it so I made spaces between the paragraphs to make it more readable here on the forums. On the real thing, I will not be doing that.

Once again, thanks guys.

EDIT: I have revised my personal statement, again.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:47 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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rutgers17
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Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:43 pm

Re: Please critique my PS/Willing to trade PS

Postby rutgers17 » Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:05 pm

I'm not sure how I feel about this PS. The initial story you're telling seems to be from when you were a little kid, and it doesn't address why you want to go to law school. In addition, after the story about your mom, you jump around a lot. The freight broker paragraph is completely random to me, and then you start talking about a chinese proverb, so the focus is unclear. Plus, you kind of tell the story about your mom and then drop it. What did you learn from that? How did it make you mature? How did it lead to your current desire to attend law school?

Structure wise, I think you use way too many very short sentences. It makes it difficult to read because it's so choppy.

Like I said, I'm not sure about this. I don't hate it, but it definitely needs a lot of work and refocusing. Good luck!

Anonymous User
Posts: 273596
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Please critique my PS/Willing to trade PS

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:23 pm

rutgers17 wrote:I'm not sure how I feel about this PS. The initial story you're telling seems to be from when you were a little kid, and it doesn't address why you want to go to law school. In addition, after the story about your mom, you jump around a lot. The freight broker paragraph is completely random to me, and then you start talking about a chinese proverb, so the focus is unclear. Plus, you kind of tell the story about your mom and then drop it. What did you learn from that? How did it make you mature? How did it lead to your current desire to attend law school?

Structure wise, I think you use way too many very short sentences. It makes it difficult to read because it's so choppy.

Like I said, I'm not sure about this. I don't hate it, but it definitely needs a lot of work and refocusing. Good luck!


OP here.

I didn't think addressing why you want to go to law school was so essential, so I kinda just left it out.

I put the freight broker part in to show some job experience and try to demonstrate how overcoming an adversity has made me stronger.
I might take out the Chinese proverb. I put that in there to try to make a segue way into a paragraph talking about how I learned about the importance of empathy and understanding.
You're right though. They do seem random, and it needs a lot of work. I'll also focus on not using so many short sentences.

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it!

EDIT: I'm thinking about leaving out the portion about my mother abandoning my sister. It shows how abusive she was, but it doesn't directly relate to me per say. What do you think?

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rutgers17
Posts: 149
Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:43 pm

Re: Please critique my PS/Willing to trade PS

Postby rutgers17 » Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:08 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
rutgers17 wrote:I'm not sure how I feel about this PS. The initial story you're telling seems to be from when you were a little kid, and it doesn't address why you want to go to law school. In addition, after the story about your mom, you jump around a lot. The freight broker paragraph is completely random to me, and then you start talking about a chinese proverb, so the focus is unclear. Plus, you kind of tell the story about your mom and then drop it. What did you learn from that? How did it make you mature? How did it lead to your current desire to attend law school?

Structure wise, I think you use way too many very short sentences. It makes it difficult to read because it's so choppy.

Like I said, I'm not sure about this. I don't hate it, but it definitely needs a lot of work and refocusing. Good luck!


OP here.

I didn't think addressing why you want to go to law school was so essential, so I kinda just left it out.

I put the freight broker part in to show some job experience and try to demonstrate how overcoming an adversity has made me stronger.
I might take out the Chinese proverb. I put that in there to try to make a segue way into a paragraph talking about how I learned about the importance of empathy and understanding.
You're right though. They do seem random, and it needs a lot of work. I'll also focus on not using so many short sentences.

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it!

EDIT: I'm thinking about leaving out the portion about my mother abandoning my sister. It shows how abusive she was, but it doesn't directly relate to me per say. What do you think?


I'm not sure about keeping it or not...if you make your mom's abuse the main focus and then tell us what you learned, how it affects you now, etc. then I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to keep in. It shows how abusive she was and I think just witnessing that could have a pretty profound effect on you. The key is to tell us what that effect was.

I feel like you have the beginnings of a solid PS with what you have here, but need to dig a little deeper. For example, the part about how you were really defeated from the abuse -- you tell us so much about how your sister helped you get through it and what she did -- this is interesting, but how did you change because of it? Get to how the abuse and your sister reaching out changed you/made you who you are now.




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