First draft please review....

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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alpwilliams
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First draft please review....

Postby alpwilliams » Wed Oct 16, 2013 1:56 pm

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Last edited by alpwilliams on Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ramius
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby Ramius » Wed Oct 16, 2013 2:10 pm

This is a resume dump, a common early mistake. Focus on one or maybe two experiences in your life that inform me as the reader about you as the writer. Show me a side of yourself that isn't anywhere else in your application. Figure out what in your past is most telling of who you are today or what strengths you bring to the classroom and the professional world and focus on finding an interesting way to show that. This statement comes off as flat, unimaginative and boring. It sounds like you've had some success in your life and you definitely sound like you've overcome serious diversity, so use those experiences to tap into your introspective self and figure out the answer to the ultimate question: who am I today and why is that exactly the type of person a law school would want to enroll? Answer it and SHOW IT.

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alpwilliams
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby alpwilliams » Wed Oct 16, 2013 2:30 pm

matthewsean85 wrote:This is a resume dump, a common early mistake. Focus on one or maybe two experiences in your life that inform me as the reader about you as the writer. Show me a side of yourself that isn't anywhere else in your application. Figure out what in your past is most telling of who you are today or what strengths you bring to the classroom and the professional world and focus on finding an interesting way to show that. This statement comes off as flat, unimaginative and boring. It sounds like you've had some success in your life and you definitely sound like you've overcome serious diversity, so use those experiences to tap into your introspective self and figure out the answer to the ultimate question: who am I today and why is that exactly the type of person a law school would want to enroll? Answer it and SHOW IT.


I appreciate your feedback, but I do not consider this a resume dump. What I attempted to show from the two experiences that aren't on my resume is my work ethic and also ability to work with groups. Does everyone agree that this is a resume dump? It follows the adversity example of the Kenyan from the personal statement book format in my eyes. The experiences given have a deeper meaning, or at least that was the intent.

fallingup77
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby fallingup77 » Wed Oct 16, 2013 3:22 pm

alpwilliams wrote:These desires lead me to alter majors from Biology to Political Science.

alpwilliams wrote:taking courses in law such as Elderly Law, An Introduction to Paralegal Work
alpwilliams wrote:take a criminal mock trial class
alpwilliams wrote:Model United Nations was the perfect solution
alpwilliams wrote:I contributed to two House Bills while working as the Director of Legislative Affairs for a _____ Representative


I agree with Matthew. This is definitely a rehashing of your resume. You have just listed and expounded upon various educational and extracurricular experiences.

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mandyjay11
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby mandyjay11 » Wed Oct 16, 2013 3:32 pm

alpwilliams wrote:
matthewsean85 wrote:This is a resume dump, a common early mistake. Focus on one or maybe two experiences in your life that inform me as the reader about you as the writer. Show me a side of yourself that isn't anywhere else in your application. Figure out what in your past is most telling of who you are today or what strengths you bring to the classroom and the professional world and focus on finding an interesting way to show that. This statement comes off as flat, unimaginative and boring. It sounds like you've had some success in your life and you definitely sound like you've overcome serious diversity, so use those experiences to tap into your introspective self and figure out the answer to the ultimate question: who am I today and why is that exactly the type of person a law school would want to enroll? Answer it and SHOW IT.


I appreciate your feedback, but I do not consider this a resume dump. What I attempted to show from the two experiences that aren't on my resume is my work ethic and also ability to work with groups. Does everyone agree that this is a resume dump? It follows the adversity example of the Kenyan from the personal statement book format in my eyes. The experiences given have a deeper meaning, or at least that was the intent.


Yes, I think this is a resume drop and very flat. Please consider what Matthewsean85 is saying...

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alpwilliams
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby alpwilliams » Wed Oct 16, 2013 3:38 pm

Alright thanks guys!

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rutgers17
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Re: First draft please review....

Postby rutgers17 » Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:16 pm

I agree that it reads as a rehash of your resume. But, I have another huge issue with this PS.

You start off with that INTENSE quote (which shocked me, but I feel like actually worked) and then just completely drop it. The teacher says it and then you totally move on. Use that! This PS would be much more interesting if you elaborated on that and perhaps other criticism like it and talk about how it fueled your resolve or something like that. Mock trial is great, but I think the adcoms would be more interested in seeing what really drives you/the adversity that has shaped you. You have this attention grabbing intro and immediately move on to details that tell the reader nothing about you (other than where you're from, which they already know).

The grammar also needs a lot of work, but please please please run with that intro and then you can sort grammatical stuff out later.




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