Very Rough Draft

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KamronK
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:28 am

Very Rough Draft

Postby KamronK » Tue Oct 15, 2013 6:00 pm

I'm not a URM, but I wanted to use this as a diversity statement while also describing how I improved over time. 2.5 pages

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The stories of immigrants who came to America in pursuit of their dream for a better life can be quite inspirational. Immigration and the ability of these new citizens to persevere through difficult times are what have made our nation one to look up to. However, these stories sometimes overshadow the journey that the children of these immigrants face. I am a first generation American, born to two Iranian parents. My father came to the United States in the midst of the Iranian Revolution to receive a college education, and my mother followed him nearly a decade later. Although I was born in (SW state), I felt for the longest time as if I didn’t have a home. I certainly felt American, but I had a large family that had brought the Persian culture with them. Farsi, not English, was my first language. As a result, I felt out of place when I began school. I knew I was different from the other students, and that led me to becoming resentful of where I had come from. I felt ashamed when my parents would speak Farsi to me in public, and so I attempted to shut it out completely. This rough beginning to my school years turned me into a very antisocial person. By second grade I had gone to food for comfort. I allowed myself to become this diffident ball of fat, and it took me about 15 years to overcome my weak start. My experiences at (SW) University completely changed my outlook on life, and how I view myself.
The most influential experience for me was my leadership role at the university’s recreation center. I had worked for (place of employment) for only eight months before being promoted to manager. I was encouraged by my supervisors’ faith in me, but at the time I was still incredibly shy, and at just 19 years old I was the youngest manager by two years. It was overwhelming at first. I was challenged by some of the older staff members, one of whom actually told me at work that she was 20 years old and didn't need to listen to what I had to say. There also were many conflicts to resolve that ranged from membership issues to fist fights in the gym. As a new manager I was also left with the closing shifts. So here I was, kid with barely the confidence to hold a conversation, and I had to maintain control of a multi-million dollar facility when all the full-time staff had gone home. I was terrified at times, but I learned to hide my fear in order to earn respect from my staff and the patrons of the facility. I made it a goal to be the best manager I could be. I put aside my pride and went to the older managers for help, asking them what they would do in certain situations. I never stopped learning. I began to take myself more seriously as well during this time, making fitness a more serious goal. I wanted to make a change for myself, and once I did, I wanted to help others do the same. I took the opportunity I was given at (POE) to become a certified personal trainer. In my junior year, I was training eight clients, managing the facility, and still making time for many extracurricular activities. I made personal connections with each of these clients, and while assisting them to reach their fitness goals, they helped me develop my communication skills. My desire to help others translated well to the manager position. By my senior year, I had been part of the interviewing and promotion of every single manager on staff besides myself. This had become my team. I personally trained two who became employees of the year for the facility, although I want to make it clear that they received their awards because they were very skilled employees, not only due to my tutelage. I simply had the desire to help others become great, just as I wished to be one day. This helped me develop a stronger relationship with all of my staff, and it showed me that I do have value.
As I gained a stronger understanding of the person that I am, I began to take school more seriously, and I enjoyed it more than I ever had. I wished that I could major in many different areas, because there is so much to learn. Law school will be the next step in my journey of learning and discovery as a first generation American. I want to be able to think like a lawyer; solving complex problems logically by examining previous cases and the facts that are presented is an exciting prospect for me. I still have the same desire to help people as well. I want to assist clients in court, and I know that my personality will help me in this area. I am the person who my friends and family go to for support on a variety of issues. This is due to my ability to listen to them speak about divorce, unemployment, and other major life problems without being overwhelmed with emotion. I enjoy helping people recover from hardships by going through situations in a rational way. Lastly, I go back to my strong Persian upbringing, one that I am now very proud of. It is expected in our family to have success and to push yourself to be as great as you can be. Nothing would make me happier than to live up to those expectations while being successful in a career that I genuinely enjoy.

KamronK
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:28 am

Re: Very Rough Draft

Postby KamronK » Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:24 pm

Sorry to bump, but I could really use some advice.

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malleus discentium
Posts: 878
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:30 am

Re: Very Rough Draft

Postby malleus discentium » Sun Oct 20, 2013 7:35 pm

Some textual notes:

The stories of immigrants who came come to America in pursuit of their dream for a better life can be quite inspirational. Immigration and the ability of these new citizens to persevere through difficult times are what have made our nation one to look up to. This is mangled but I don't really have an alternative for you However, But these stories sometimes overshadow the journey that the children of these immigrants face.

I am a first-generation American, born to two Iranian parents. My father came to the United States in the midst of the Iranian Revolution to receive a college education, and my mother followed him nearly a decade later. Although I was born in (SW state), I felt for the longest time as if I didn’t have a home. I certainly felt American, but I had a large family that had brought the Persian culture with them. Farsi, not English, was my first language. As a result, I felt out of place when I began school. I knew I was different from the other students, and that led me to becoming resentful of where I had come from. I felt ashamed when my parents would speak Farsi to me in public, and so I attempted to shut it out completely.

This rough beginning to my school years turned me into a very antisocial person. By second grade I had gone to food for comfort. I allowed myself to become this a diffident ball of fat, and it took me about 15 years to overcome my weak start. My experiences at (SW) University completely changed my outlook on life, and how I view myself.

The most influential experience for me was my leadership role at the university’s recreation center. I had worked for (place of employment) for only eight months before being promoted to manager. I was encouraged by my supervisors’ faith in me, but at the time I was still incredibly shy, and at just 19 years old I was the youngest manager by two years. It was overwhelming at first. I was challenged by some of the older staff members, one of whom actually told me at work that she was 20 years old and didn't need to listen to what I had to say. There also were many conflicts to resolve that ranged from membership issues to fist fights in the gym.

As a new manager I was also left with the closing shifts. So here I was, kid with barely the confidence to hold a conversation, and I had to maintain control of a multimillion dollar facility when all the full-time staff had gone home. I was terrified at times, but I learned to hide my fear in order to earn respect from my staff and the patrons of the facility. I made it a goal to be the best manager I could be. I put aside my pride and went to the older managers for help, asking them what they would do in certain situations. I never stopped learning.

I began to take myself more seriously as well during this time, making fitness a more serious goal. I wanted to make a change for myself, and once I did, I wanted to help others do the same. I took the opportunity I was given at (POE) to become a certified personal trainer. In my junior year, I was training eight clients, managing the facility, and still making time for many extracurricular activities. I made personal connections with each of these clients, and while assisting them to reach their fitness goals, they helped me develop my communication skills.

My desire to help others translated well to the manager position. By my senior year, I had been part of the interviewing and promotion of every single manager on staff besides myself. This had become my team. I personally trained two who became employees of the year for the facility, although I want to make it clear that they received their awards because they were very skilled employees, not only due to my tutelage. I simply had the desire to help others become great, just as I wished to be one day. This helped me develop a stronger relationship with all of my staff, and it showed me that I do have value.

As I gained a stronger understanding of the person that I am, I began to take school more seriously, and I enjoyed it more than I ever had. I wished that I could major in many different areas, because there is so much to learn. Law school will be the next step in my journey of learning and discovery as a first-generation American. I want to be able to think like a lawyer, solving complex problems logically by examining previous cases and the facts that are presented is an exciting prospect for me. This is token detail that sounds artificial I still have the same desire to help people as well. I want to assist clients in court, So does this and I know that my personality will help me in this area. I am the person who my friends and family go to for support on a variety of issues. This is due to my ability to listen to them speak about divorce, unemployment, and other major life problems without being overwhelmed with emotion. I enjoy helping people recover from hardships by going through situations in a rational way. Lastly, I go back to my strong Persian upbringing, one that I am now very proud of. It is expected in our family to have success and to push yourself to be as great as you can be. Nothing would make me happier than to live up to those expectations while being successful in a career that I genuinely enjoy.

Some content thoughts:
*This has very little to do with diversity. The intro is good on that count, but then you veer completely away from the fact that you're a child of immigrants. You only to return to it in the conclusion with a token "Persian families expect the best." Everything after the first two grafs could have been written by someone from any cultural background, there's nothing in the main narrative that's related to your being an immigrant.

KamronK
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:28 am

Re: Very Rough Draft

Postby KamronK » Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:02 pm

Thank you for the corrections! Do you think I should just focus on the diversity portion? I also wanted to describe my improvement over time. I can try to incorporate it more. Right now when I think about my culture, all that came to mind was the struggles I faced at the start.




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