. Forum
- mermaidprincess92
- Posts: 46
- Joined: Tue May 07, 2013 6:10 pm
- rutgers17
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:43 pm
Re: feedback on my personal statement
The topic is interesting, but the writing needs a lot of work.
Your first sentence is passive voice - not a good way to start. You need to write stronger and clearer throughout. You are missing a ton of commas, which makes it hard to read. The grammar in general is not very good, so definitely work on that. I would make it more narrative than it currently is because, even though it's interesting, it gets a little stale. You're just telling the reader everything, not showing them. Good luck!
Your first sentence is passive voice - not a good way to start. You need to write stronger and clearer throughout. You are missing a ton of commas, which makes it hard to read. The grammar in general is not very good, so definitely work on that. I would make it more narrative than it currently is because, even though it's interesting, it gets a little stale. You're just telling the reader everything, not showing them. Good luck!