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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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mermaidprincess92
Posts: 46
Joined: Tue May 07, 2013 6:10 pm

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Postby mermaidprincess92 » Tue Oct 15, 2013 12:27 pm

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Last edited by mermaidprincess92 on Wed Oct 16, 2013 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rutgers17
Posts: 149
Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:43 pm

Re: feedback on my personal statement

Postby rutgers17 » Tue Oct 15, 2013 5:55 pm

The topic is interesting, but the writing needs a lot of work.

Your first sentence is passive voice - not a good way to start. You need to write stronger and clearer throughout. You are missing a ton of commas, which makes it hard to read. The grammar in general is not very good, so definitely work on that. I would make it more narrative than it currently is because, even though it's interesting, it gets a little stale. You're just telling the reader everything, not showing them. Good luck!




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