Please be tough on my rough.. draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Please be tough on my rough.. draft

Postby crisgcia » Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:23 am

A well-cooked patty topped with two gooey slices of American cheese, crunchy lettuce, and juicy tomato slices. Heaven manifested itself in that sandwich, but the bun holding these carefully chosen ingredients in place sealed my fate. Although my stomach cried out for a bite of that burger, as well as the French fries and fried mozzarella sticks offered on the menu, I knew that even a bite could lead to an uncomfortable evening of stomach pain and regret. During my sophomore year of college, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease, a hereditary, autoimmune disease where my body would attack itself if I had even the tiniest particle of gluten; a protein commonly found in wheat, barley, rye and processed foods. As long as I avoided any foods that contained gluten ingredients for the rest my life, my gastroenterologist assured me I’d be just fine.
But I still wasn’t fine. As soon as I started adopting a gluten free diet, I was forced into another world where every meal I ate looked suspicious. If I wasn’t careful enough, I stood the risk of getting “glutened” and spending the next few hours in pain as my immune system attacked my body.
However, I realized that this disease, although it defined my diet, it did not define my life. Rather than simply mention my condition to restaurant managers and hope that my meal would be okay, I interrogated wait staff for information on their cooking facilities. If they could not assure me that my meal did not contain gluten or if there was a possibility for cross contamination with dirty cooking utensils or other items in the kitchen, then I did not eat. Though this process is tiring and many restaurant managers refused to accommodate my needs, I knew that I could not compromise on my own wellbeing.
If I could only rely on myself, then I wanted to make the most of what was available to me. I became my body’s first line of defense against gluten, and went from a microwave dependent student to a culinary professional by developing my cooking skills through, albeit unsavory at times, trial and error. The first, second, and third time I made gluten free cake from scratch, the recipe never matched the tasty texture of its gluten counterpart, but I continued to practice, and, now, I am one of the first people my friends approach to bake cakes for their birthdays, regardless of whether they can eat gluten or not.
When I learned to prepare my own gluten free meals and make careful decisions about my dining options at restaurants, my body rewarded me. A few months later, I no longer suffered from the fatigue and vitamin deficiencies that defined my childhood and, as my health recovered from years of abuse, my energy, my grades, and my personal relationships improved drastically.
Celiac disease not only changed my approach to my personal health, but also to life. Just like my diagnosis, life will always present unforeseen situations that could leave me in a worse place than I was before. As I enter law school, I will be placed in another unfamiliar world with its own challenges. However, the desire to pursue the legal profession and become an accomplished lawyer motivates me to accept these challenges and face them with the same vigor I had when dealing with my condition. With the assistance of Celiac disease, I am prepared for law school.
Last edited by crisgcia on Mon Oct 14, 2013 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please be tough on my rough.. draft

Postby Ramius » Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:14 am

You have a strong start here, and provided you can deliver with the second half to show how you grew and matured in the whole process, it'll bring the reader full circle. Keep pushing and I think you'll have a strong product to refine and perfect when you're done writing. Good luck!

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Re: Please be tough on my rough.. draft

Postby chinadoll » Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:52 pm

Here's the tough love:

1) don't start with a quote; it's cliche and it connotes "i didn't know how to start my ps, so i'm beating around the bush"
2) do not use words like "meekly," especially if your ps is about having a disease/ being sick. this is law. most people are tough as nails and aggressive. the general expectation is that you are not only presentable in front of a client, but you can also last through 14 hour work days every day for at least the next 4-5 years.
3) this topic isn't a bad one, but your first half should be your first fourth. drop the part about depression because after reading your third sentence, everyone knows it's not a trivial disease. focus your ps on you overcame the disease and its impact on your life to became the strong person you are today.

good luck!

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Joined: Mon Jun 04, 2012 12:13 am

Re: Please be tough on my rough.. draft

Postby crisgcia » Mon Oct 14, 2013 4:38 pm

Thank you for the advice, guys! I've taken it to heart and have incorporated it into a second draft (which I've posted in place of the old one). You are extremely helpful and I truly value your input. :D

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