CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 12, 2013 4:13 pm

PERSONAL STATEMENT

It felt as if I was in a desert. I had no food and no water. But this was worse. There was running water right in front of me and I couldn’t have it. It was torture. I was a high school football player who was fasting during the month of Ramadan. High school football was the center of attention in my small town. There was no way to escape being the focus of every conversation on Saturday mornings after our games. I was a wide receiver and my job was to make the defense look bad. Nothing gave me more of an adrenaline rush than to catch a hail mary over the quickest boys in the state. There was no greater feeling than this in the world.

While there was no greater feeling in the world than to make big plays in a football game, there was no worse feeling than to starve and dehydrate during games and practices. As a Muslim, I am required to fast thirty days during the month of Ramadan where I can’t eat or drink anything while the sun is in the sky. During my football years, Ramadan had overlapped with the season. I would simply sit down and watch all my teammates quench their thirsts during water breaks.

In this situation, most individuals would be forced to choose between their faith and their passion. I wasn’t going to accept sitting out of football for that month. I knew that the month was going to be tough because I would be handling no food or water during practices and going into games on an empty stomach. During practices I tried my best even though I had no energy. The effort I had to put in was beyond anything else I’ve ever had to endure. I was forced to put up with starvation, dehydration, dizziness, and headaches. I did it all for the sport I loved.

I would have to leave practices to go complete one of the five daily Muslim prayers. This occurred while all the other players stared me at strangely. Them staring at me it didn’t bother me, I’ve accepted who I was and what my beliefs were. My teammates would tease me the first couple of years that I fasted, but by my last year, they would tolerate it, as I would enlighten them on why I was fasting and what my religion was about.

This is my own recount of one of the many examples that set Muslims in America apart from non-muslim Americans. We try our best to fit in and work hard to keep up with the rest of society while remaining within the limits of what our religion allows. A Muslim who practices Islam strictly within its bounds will inevitably be different from most people living in America. Some Muslims are not as lucky as I was. My teammates had learned to accept my practicing because I vowed to stand up for who I was. I wouldn’t allow an opportunity to inform somebody about Islam slip. Tolerance leads to peace, and peace is the ultimate goal.

There still exist people who are unaccepting of those who are different. I’ve witness countless injustices where people were wronged because of hate. And being different is a cause of injustices. People look at you strangely, you are immediately judged, and the way you are treated is different. As an attorney, I want to help those who have been wronged. I want to promote justice and mutual understanding. What I ultimately want is to encourage dialogues and protect the civil liberties of those we are wronged. A law degree from __________ will help me accomplish my goal.

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rutgers17
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby rutgers17 » Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:01 pm

YES to the new intro. WAY better, in my opinion.

Honestly though, I think you lose the reader's interest as the story goes on. If you PM me with your old one and this new draft, I can try to help put them together. I remember a lot of good stuff from the old one that you seem to have taken out of this. Willing to help if you want it!

If not, I'd say the biggest issue I see here is that it doesn't make a really strong connection to why you want to be a lawyer. I think you need to go into more detail about that.

Also, a lot of it is choppy, so try to tighten your writing up a bit. Good luck!

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thewaves
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby thewaves » Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:31 pm

Sorry, but I'm not a big fan of this essay. The connection between your high school football story and what you hope to do with a law degree is tenuous. You also spout common truths at the end about injustice that are neither personal nor deep. I would seriously re-think the topic.

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rutgers17
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby rutgers17 » Sat Oct 12, 2013 10:45 pm

Oh, just saw thewaves comment and he makes a great point.

Didn't you say in your first draft that you wanted to be an entertainment/sports lawyer? I still think that connection wasn't very good, but switching to this completely different direction sort of shows that you're just writing what you think they want to hear. I wouldn't do that. If you really want to do sports/entertainment law, that's fine, but like I said on the other one, go into more detail and show that you actually know something about it. You do the same thing here as you did last time, but just switch why you want to be a lawyer/what type you'd like to practice. It seems like you need to take some time to actually think about why you want to go to law school/what type of law you'd like to practice because both reasons you've given so far are superficial. If random people on TLS can tell that, then adcoms will definitely be able to. Give that a lot of thought and it will benefit you.

Anonymous User
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:12 pm

anyone have anything to add?

splitcity
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby splitcity » Tue Oct 15, 2013 1:47 am

Sorry if this seems harsh but to me, you come off as a little bit arrogant and extreme. I'm not saying that's how you are, but that's the impression I get from the statement.


You're basically saying that you're willing to put yourself in a seriously dangerous situation because of a religious ritual. You're also saying that you're willing to hinder the performance of your team for this ritual (although i don't know how your dehydration affected the team's performance). Law is about being reasonable and making choices based on what a given situation calls for - placing yourself in danger by refusing to hydrate or feed yourself in a sport where you run and wear heavy gear shows me that you're prone to making errors in judgment.

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Power_of_Facing
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby Power_of_Facing » Tue Oct 15, 2013 12:04 pm

splitcity wrote:Sorry if this seems harsh but to me, you come off as a little bit arrogant and extreme. I'm not saying that's how you are, but that's the impression I get from the statement.


You're basically saying that you're willing to put yourself in a seriously dangerous situation because of a religious ritual. You're also saying that you're willing to hinder the performance of your team for this ritual (although i don't know how your dehydration affected the team's performance). Law is about being reasonable and making choices based on what a given situation calls for - placing yourself in danger by refusing to hydrate or feed yourself in a sport where you run and wear heavy gear shows me that you're prone to making errors in judgment.


I think this is a fair point. However, if the OP can demonstrate that before deciding to participate he or she considered the very issues of safety, team performance, etc., raised in splitcity's critique, then that info might actually serve to bolster the PS.

As it is currently written, I agree with splitcity: this PS is a bit too laden with histrionics and a little too short on nuance.

LSATSBSB
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby LSATSBSB » Mon Dec 23, 2013 3:45 pm

Are you still working on it?

nagelbett
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Re: CLICK ME second draft. please critique it. thank you so much

Postby nagelbett » Mon Dec 23, 2013 3:58 pm

I consider religion as a choice, so it is hard for me to relate to this and see what you went through as an accomplishment. I also agree that the connection to being a lawyer could be more clear.

On a random side note: This PS makes me think if there are practicing muslim pilots who have to fly for 10+ hours during Ramadan. Do they not drink or eat? And the plane could be following the sun for the entire 10hours, so what happens then?




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