critique my rough draft. please be mean

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critique my rough draft. please be mean

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 12, 2013 1:53 pm

Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Oct 12, 2013 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: critique my rough draft. please be mean

Postby anattorney » Sat Oct 12, 2013 3:08 pm

I would try to introduce the ramadan angle in your opening paragraph. It sounds like it is going to be sort of a typical high school sports essay and then it gets more interesting. Maybe tell more of a specific story about one game/practice that happened during ramadan. Like describe what actually happens when you are practicing and then leave for the 15 minute prayer break- that is interesting.

"Sports had always been in my blood" - trite, doesn't really tell us about your personality

It sounds kind of like you are just going to law school because you see it as a way to remain tangentially connected with the world of sports, I would try to also introduce something that is a little more specific about law school, or what intellectually appeals to you about law school.

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Re: critique my rough draft. please be mean

Postby rutgers17 » Sat Oct 12, 2013 3:21 pm

I agree with the above poster that you should bring the ramadan angle in earlier. Like they said, it comes off as a very common story in the beginning. I really don't like starting it with "TOUCHDOWNNN," but that might just be me.

The Ramadan thing is really interesting so I would definitely focus on that.

As far as the end of your PS goes, I think it's weak. I don't see a particularly strong connection between playing sports in high school and becoming a sports/entertainment attorney. The majority of kids play sports when they're in high school and sports/entertainment law are some of the most glamorized fields. I think law schools know this and that connection seems naive, to be honest. If you're going to focus on the sports/entertainment field, you need to go into a lot more detail about what you would be doing/why you are qualified."I have excelled in school" doesn't tell us anything. They know your GPA/will be the judge of whether or not you excelled. Give them a glimpse into HOW you excelled/what makes you sure you'll be a great sports attorney. Similarly, "negotiating sports contracts and licensing deals for celebrities and athletes" doesn't really offer any glimpse into the work that these lawyers actually do and the lack of detail sort of comes off like you just googled sports attorney and wrote a sentence about whatever it said they do. Really get into the details here and I think it will help. Good luck!

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