First draft -- thanks in advance for the feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First draft -- thanks in advance for the feedback

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 10, 2013 12:12 am

(second draft posted elsewhere!)
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273139
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First draft -- thanks in advance for the feedback

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 12, 2013 4:09 pm

*Bump*

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rutgers17
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Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:43 pm

Re: First draft -- thanks in advance for the feedback

Postby rutgers17 » Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:12 pm

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I didn't finish reading your PS. Considering this, I imagine that it will not stand out to the admissions committee, who has read thousands of these.

That being said, you have a great topic. What I found is that you tell the reader a lot of stuff, but you don't really show them. Instead of telling them that your mom was abusive, I think it would be much more interesting if you told a story about it. Your circumstances are begging to be made into a narrative. Describe one incident that stands out to you - perhaps a time you defended your brother? Same with the stories you swapped with the other kids - maybe tell about one specific story/kid that stuck with you.

After scanning to the end, I notice you write about your position as a board member. I'd take this out (since it's on your resume) and devote that space to the narrative or connection to why law school.

Sorry if this is harsh, but your story has A LOT of potential and I think if you really tell it, you'll be in great shape. Good luck!

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thewaves
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Re: First draft -- thanks in advance for the feedback

Postby thewaves » Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:18 pm

I agree with everything rutgers said. This essay has a lot going for it, but it's clunky and dense. There are a lot of things tossed in that I don't need to read. Ask yourself, what is the main story here? Play around with it. For example, delete the entire first paragraph. Start with the second paragraph and write it as a narrative. You can add in pieces from your first paragraph if it is necessary, but your goal is to have a lean and sleek essay.




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