Please be mean

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Please be mean

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:28 pm

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Please be mean

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 30, 2013 8:22 pm

bump

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KD35
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Re: Please be mean

Postby KD35 » Mon Sep 30, 2013 8:35 pm

Quick skim: First part of your essay seems to flow completely different than the second part. Not that one is better than the other, but you change your tone when you start talking about academics and college. And charm is very endearing and all, but what does charm even have to do with why you'll succeed in law school?
Additionally, a lot of the later parts seems to just be repeats of what could be found on your resume (majors, research, organizations). Be careful of too much flowery language as you read back through your essay - at some point it will be a hindrance from the greater point you are trying to get across. And finally, (could just be me) I feel like there's something off with your last closing paragraph bringing the whole thing to a close.

Anonymous User
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Re: Please be mean

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:15 pm

Thanks for the response. Anyone else? I'm not sure why I always have such trouble getting a response on here.

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Merylian
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Re: Please be mean

Postby Merylian » Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:36 pm

I'm inclined to say a little too much farmhouse, not quite enough you...the topic of your research and how it led you to want to study law are interesting though, and I think probably the best part about the whole thing. You might want to shine on that a little more than on a scenic description of home :)

On a nitpicky note, when I read the sentence in the second paragraph that had both a colon and a semicolon it kind of threw me off. Are you sure it's grammatically correct to use them that way? An English major should weigh in on this.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Please be mean

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:45 pm

I feel like your language is just a touch too determinedly picturesque. I go a little bored of all the twee descriptions of charming rundown farmhouses and salt-of-the-earth, hard workin' country folk. The shift to a description of an undergrad research project is kind of abrupt.

In the 5th paragraph, delete 'moreover.' That sentence is directly elaborating on the previous sentence, not adding related but additional material.

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IAFG
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Re: Please be mean

Postby IAFG » Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:16 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:That sentence is directly elaborating on the previous sentence, not adding related but additional material.

These two clauses mean the exact same thing?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Please be mean

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:21 pm

IAFG wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:That sentence is directly elaborating on the previous sentence, not adding related but additional material.

These two clauses mean the exact same thing?

Well, I don't really know how to best phrase my critique to that bit, but I think 'moreover' sounds odd there and it would flow just fine without it.

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lastsamurai
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Re: Please be mean

Postby lastsamurai » Fri Oct 04, 2013 10:54 am

I liked it way better than the last version I read. You did a better job of keeping the tone from being too whiny. I would say that paragraphs 5-7 made it a little difficult to keep my focus. Also, the semi-colon and colon usage is a bit much. Adcomms will know that you know how to use them if you use each of them once, but using several within one sentence is overkill.

Will it be good enough for HYS? I have no idea. But as long as the rest of your app is solid, it's a nice safe essay. I don't think it's common to write your way into HYS, but I don't think you wrote yourself out with this PS.

I agree with the deletion of moreover. Good luck if you've already submitted!




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