Personal Statement First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Personal Statement First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 27, 2013 11:34 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 06, 2013 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby lastsamurai » Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:49 am

First the good stuff - this might have been the first PS that I've read where the story being told got me to really feel an emotion. The story of the runner being killed is extremely powerful because it is so sad. Now you just have to work on how to tell the story in a grammatically and structurally effective way. Overall I think that your language choices come off a little elementary and could be beefed up. I also felt that there were several sentences in the middle that were saying basically the same thing about moving forward, so be sure to make every sentence count. Some more specific thoughts are below:

1st paragraph:
-saying that your heart was pounding and then saying "there it was" is a little anti-climactic. Find a way to mount anticipation.
-"our lowest point total out of first" sounds awkward.
-tears probably welled up inside - not welted, and the rest of that sentence just doesn't flow. Re-work it to make your point clear and succinct.

2nd paragraph (can't tell where the other paragraphs begin, so the rest of my comments are below):
-aside from "tackle a new challenge" and "eager to begin" which are just a bit cliche, your story of Gabby is told pretty well. I do think you could get more emotion out of the reader if you describe her more in detail.
-don't use move forward so many times. Also, remember to show not tell. How did you tackle this situation head on? Just saying you did isn't that powerful.
-"I prided myself in the past" ...so you don't pride yourself on it now?
-I don't like the use of the questions asked because I don't feel like the answers provided were that strong and are very subjective. I'd scrap them or at least edit them.
-what actually happened with the team? How did you turn things around? Give me some evidence!
-"brick walling" isn't a thing...write this as a simile or a metaphor
-cancerous doesn't fit
-don't mention fellow captains - you're better off letting the adcomm think you were the only one.
-the way you conclude is strong, just edit for grammar. Also - commas are your friend. Some people overuse them, but you're under-using them.

When you get more comments and get another draft together, I'd be happy to read it. Just PM me, and I'll take a look. Please ignore any typos as I'm writing from my iPad on a train!

Good luck!
Last edited by lastsamurai on Fri Oct 04, 2013 10:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Ramius
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby Ramius » Mon Sep 30, 2013 3:30 pm

I'm going to disagree a bit with samurai on this one. I agree that the story has potential to be a good base for your statement, but I think the telling needs some serious revision. You focused too much on talking about all of these qualities you feel you've always possessed and failed to really just cut to the chase and show me how you had those qualities. Never tell me about qualities you possess. Just take the anecdote and show me you have them without ever saying it. If you're too plainly obvious with the message you're trying to send to me, I discount it heavily. You may be a great leader and you may have experienced personal triumph in leading your team through a tumultuous time, but the only way I'm going to know that is by reading about what you did and how you managed to succeed.

I think your best bet is to keep your intro as it is, but then go on to tell the story of how she died and show how deeply impacted the team was by the tragedy. Once you've really shown that, you can go on to show how you managed the difficult times, difference of opinions and personal beliefs, and then show what you learned from this experience in your conclusion.

This could be a strong statement, but you need to work on being much more subtle with your message and really showing me what you want me to see. Good luck!

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lastsamurai
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby lastsamurai » Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:35 pm

^^think we actually agreed...

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 01, 2013 2:08 am

OP here. Thank you both. The newest draft looks a lot different so far. I honestly felt pretty uncomfortable with that first draft (i've been so used to cover letters that I think it comes off way to much as a cover letter and not a true story) but was hoping that I could get help finding a better direction on here. I'll repost or PM when i feel its ready to be officially dubbed a second draft.

If anyone else has any other critiques, please let me know. I've made changes already but i definitely value this input from this original draft.




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