PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

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Anonymous User
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PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:47 am

Hey guys. I have edited this around 4 times and I think I'm getting close to a final draft. Any advice would be very much appreciated. If there is anything as a reader you think does not need to be there please let me know. I need to cut 2 lines or so out so it is less than 2 pages I just don't know where! Thanks in advance guys!




It was Christmas morning and I was fast asleep in my bed just like a child despite the fact that I was nineteen years old. It is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it all year. The subtle knock I heard at my door that morning would change more than I could imagine. I rolled over, as it woke me from a deep sleep, to see my dad standing in the doorway, looking at me, waiting for me to be alert. All I seem to remember is, “mommy fell. I need you to go down and sit with her until I get out of the shower, she’s in her wheelchair.” I knew it was bad. She hates the wheelchair, and he called her mommy like I was five years old again.

For over 25 years my mom’s mobility and independence has slowly been taken by relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis. The older I grew the more I understood about her disease, and the harder it was to watch. There were good days where she almost seemed healthy, but there were bad days where just getting around the house was difficult. Even though it is a tough life, it is the life she has been given. She is a fighter, and my biggest inspiration.

As we sat in the bathroom that morning she kept saying it hurt, everything hurt, and she knew she really did it this time. I tried to reassure her everything was fine, that she was probably just sore like she was when she fell in the past. I was wrong. My dad took her to the hospital where we learned she had broken her hip. She went through surgery and a two-week hospital stay before finally coming home well after New Years. I only had three weeks left before I went back to school, but I never realized they would be so difficult.

With my brother at school and my dad at work I was left to tend to my mom who was confined to a wheelchair. While I was home the only time she was out of the wheelchair was for physical therapy. For weeks I followed her around the house making sure she didn’t fall, and when she did I was there to pick her up. Every time I picked her up the hope I had for a full recovery faded. Despite this, my mom never gave up on herself. She showed me what true courage and determination look like. I like to think from this experience some of that rubbed off on me. Watching her make strides in her recovery taught that me anything is possible if you never give up. It wasn’t easy for her, but she made nearly a complete recovery. I know that if she can overcome a broken hip with multiple sclerosis anything I have to do will pale in comparison.

Throughout this entire struggle, there was an assortment of problems stemming from the insurance company. Everyday it seemed like there was something else they weren’t going to pay for. One day it was the amount of nights in the hospital. The next it was physical therapy. Seeing my mom everyday I knew she needed these things, but the insurance company didn’t see what my family and I saw. It pained me to hear that, even with insurance, necessary treatments wouldn’t be given to my mother. The more I thought about it, the less I understood. It wasn’t right, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I have always heard of things like this happening, but it didn’t impact me until it was happening to someone I love. Luckily, my dad has an amazing job and could afford the majority of the things the insurance company refused to pay for. I know not everyone is this fortunate, and it upsets me to know people like my mother may not receive all of the necessary everyday treatments this disease requires.

The whole month seemed like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I was in a state of constant worry, something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. There was only so much I could do to help, and I never felt like it was enough. Not being able to fix everything was very difficult for me. I’ve always had a strong desire to help others and an appreciation for equality and justice. Once everything calmed down and I had a chance to reflect, it hit me; health law. This is something I could do that would help people. At some point we all need a little help, and I want to be there to help others who need it. I hope that someday I can start a career in health law and aid people who received improper treatment or were wrongfully turned away from getting the necessary appropriate treatment. No matter what aspect of the law I find myself in, I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives.

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mandyjay11
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby mandyjay11 » Wed Sep 25, 2013 8:03 am

I like the flow of the story in this personal statement. The last paragraph seemed a tad bit weak with the "it hit me" thing but other than that, I think it's pretty good!

anubis1911
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby anubis1911 » Wed Sep 25, 2013 9:35 am

I don't like it. I understand your struggle, and I think this is a good topic. However, your statement seems choppy to me, and there are a ton of redundant and unnecessary words. For example,
The older I grew the more I understood about her disease
, the word about in this sentence serves no purpose. You should state ,"As I grew older, I gained a greater understanding of her disease". First of all, this is now active voice. It flows better and it is of a higher writing level.
Barring all of the issues with that, the statement seems to lack leadership. You took care of your mother, but I don't really see what that says about you. The paper doesn't bleed, and it needs to.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Sep 26, 2013 1:25 am

Thanks guys! I will absolutely fix the redundancies because you make a valid point! Should I try and focus on what I did more? Do you think that would help?

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Ramius
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby Ramius » Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:13 am

I guess I'm officially in the minority here, because I'm not even sure I like the topic. Trying to focus on the things you did for your mother, whom you undoubtedly love, when she was sick and recovering from a nasty fall doesn't really logically connect to your interest in law to me. How would you handle it if the person you were fighting for or defending was a complete stranger to you? The way this reads, I just don't see you showing as much passion as if it were your own flesh and blood, which doesn't show that your mother's disease really changed you, just that it made you realize how much you love your mother. I felt manipulated as you tried to pull emotional strings in me describing the pain and perseverence your mother displayed. MS is one of the scariest diseases on the planet and it has a life-altering affect on everyone around the affected person, but what you've mainly done here is shown how strong your mom is and not anything substantial about you. Saying that the strength she shows makes you believe some of it rubbed off on you is a pretty weak insight into how this changed you.

If you want to use your mother's disease to show something about you as an applicant, you need to do much less description about your mother's battle with the disease and much, much more about the things you did, saw and changed in your own life and how that disease has caused you to make long-term changes in your life afterward. Remember that the focus of a statement needs to be almost exclusively on you, and even if you're using another person in your life as an intro or a tie to the point you're trying to make, it needs to be about you throughout, not them. For this statement, I'd be more likely to admit your mother, not you.

This needs heavy revision in my opinion, but like I said at the beginning, I seem to be in the minority on this one. Go ahead and take this as the dissenting opinion if you'd like, but I felt like you might appreciate another insight. Either way, good luck!

anubis1911
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby anubis1911 » Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:28 am

After reviewing the above comment and rereading your statement, I need to change my opinnion on the topic as well. I think you should rewrite with a topic that better explains you and your leadership. You focus entirely on your mother. She isn't applying, you are. Sure, you were selfless (if you believe in that) in taking care of her, but that hardly proves why you deserve to be a lawyer.
However, it is obviously a transformational period for you. Figure out the specifics of that and capitalize.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:19 am

matthewsean 85 and anubis1911, I see where you're coming from entirely. Minority opinion or not, I agree with you. I tried to think of how I actually changed after that and what I did and realized I did more than I thought I had outside of just helping her directly. I edited it and I think now it focuses on me a little bit more. Hopefully you guys take a look at the new last 4 paragraphs. They're pretty rough for now but content wise I hope they're better. Thank you for all the help!



It was Christmas morning and I was fast asleep in my bed just like a child despite the fact that I was nineteen years old. It is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it all year. The subtle knock I heard at my door that morning would change more than I could imagine. I rolled over, as it woke me from a deep sleep, to see my dad standing in the doorway, looking at me, waiting for me to be alert. All I seem to remember is, “mommy fell. I need you to go down and sit with her until I get out of the shower, she’s in her wheelchair.” I knew it was bad. She hates the wheelchair, and he called her mommy like I was five years old again.

For over 25 years my mom’s mobility and independence has slowly been taken by relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis. As I grew older, I gained a greater understanding of her disease. There were good days where she almost seemed healthy, but there were bad days where just getting around the house was difficult. Even though it is a tough life, it is the life she has been given. She is a fighter, and my biggest inspiration.

As we sat in the bathroom that morning she kept saying it hurt, everything hurt, and she knew she really did it this time. I tried to reassure her everything was fine, that she was probably just sore like she was when she fell in the past. I was wrong. My dad took her to the hospital where we learned she had broken her hip. She went through surgery and a two-week hospital stay before finally coming home well after New Years. This winter break was an eye opening experience for me.

That winter break I learned more about myself than ever before. It was the first time in my life I was needed and actually had the opportunity to do what I always felt I was destined to do. As early as I can remember I have wanted to help people. I helped my mom with basic every day tasks healthy people take for granted. I helped my dad grocery shop. I helped my younger brother with his homework. It was the little things that were most appreciated by my family. I was no longer a selfish teenager. I was an adult who knew the world did not revolve around me.

When I came back to school and could no longer help them, I moved on. I started volunteering with the local chapter of the National MS society. I aided in charity walks and fundraising events. In my efforts I tried to not only raise money, but to raise awareness. It has been so incredibly gratifying to assist the foundation and the people who share in my mom’s pain. From this I met many people who had similar struggles as my mom.

As I spoke with many other sufferers of MS, I found recurring tribulations. I had always heard my mom say the insurance companies ruled her life, and that winter break I saw it first hand. My mom was repeatedly declined crucial medical treatments simply because an insurance company doctor did not think they were necessary. They treated every case as if it were the same. An outrageous amount of people I met while volunteering had almost the same feelings about insurance companies as my mom. Every instance of this disease is so different yet they are too frequently treated the same.

I saw firsthand my mom become another chart for a doctor who had never met her, and another claim to be denied by the insurance company. It triggered my desire to help and I found it in the area of health law. This is something I could do that would help people. At some point we all need a little help, and I want to be there to help others who need it. I hope that someday I can start a career in health law and aid people who received improper treatment or were wrongfully turned away from getting the necessary appropriate treatment. No matter what aspect of the law I find myself in, I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS Advice--Almost Final Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 05, 2013 2:43 am

Bump. Anyone have anything on the rough rewritten draft?




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