Intro to PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Intro to PS

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:29 am

Hello,

Here is the intro, which is also a general outline for how the rest of the 2 page PS is going to look. Can you give me some opinions, feedback ?

Upon birth, I was destined to be a victim of the slow and agonizing cycle of poverty that the majority of poor citizens of Mexico experience. However, my future was abruptly changed by my family’s decision to immigrate to the United States. Upon arriving, my self worth was temporarily held hostage by the fears and insecurities that accompany the tag illegal immigrant. My lack of legal status and low poverty handicapped my early education by creating limitations on my educational goals. After graduating High School, I realized that education was my only tool that I could use climb out of poverty. I worked very hard to pay for school while simultaneously completing my courses with above average grades. As a result, I became the first in my family to attend and graduate from college. I believe, that just like I used education to increase my chances of escaping poverty, my community can also do the same by owning their own business. I want to go to law school to become a transactional lawyer and guide start-up business through the legalities of business ownership.

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: Intro to PS

Postby Ramius » Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:32 pm

This is not a very good intro. You are a first generation Mexican American immigrant who came from poverty and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. There is a big story to tell there. If you want it to have the intended impact on the reader, you need to phrase it as an interesting narrative about your life. This reads like you're writing a Freshman year History 101 biography of your life. It lacks that compelling tone that should go along with a pretty impressive story. Don't be afraid to use your very different background to paint a robust image of what it was like growing up like this and how it made you into all the more impressive of a person today.

In a case like this where you have an interesting story to tell, don't be afraid to use highly illustrative imagery to paint a picture for me about your life. Even the mere description of your life makes me want to know more about you, but the way this is written, I feel disappointed like I didn't get to see at all what your experience has been like.

You are in the minority of people applying to law school in that you have a truly compelling story to tell, so make sure you tell it well and it could definitely help you more than the average applicant. Do everything you can to really make the statement stand out. GL!

Anonymous User
Posts: 273590
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Intro to PS

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:19 pm

matthewsean85 wrote:This is not a very good intro. You are a first generation Mexican American immigrant who came from poverty and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. There is a big story to tell there. If you want it to have the intended impact on the reader, you need to phrase it as an interesting narrative about your life. This reads like you're writing a Freshman year History 101 biography of your life. It lacks that compelling tone that should go along with a pretty impressive story. Don't be afraid to use your very different background to paint a robust image of what it was like growing up like this and how it made you into all the more impressive of a person today.

In a case like this where you have an interesting story to tell, don't be afraid to use highly illustrative imagery to paint a picture for me about your life. Even the mere description of your life makes me want to know more about you, but the way this is written, I feel disappointed like I didn't get to see at all what your experience has been like.

You are in the minority of people applying to law school in that you have a truly compelling story to tell, so make sure you tell it well and it could definitely help you more than the average applicant. Do everything you can to really make the statement stand out. GL!

First of all, thank you matthewsean85. I was told by an organization called For People Of Color to focus on my achievement more than on my failures. They suggested that my personals statement should be 75% success story and 25% failure(failure meaning obstacles that I had to overcome).
I planned to be highly descriptive in the following paragraph. I simply wanted to get the reader interested and wanting to read the rest, but at the same time for him/her to get a very good idea of what to expect. Would you mind providing an example of a narrative style PS? I think that your advice can lead me to a very impressive PS. Thank you.

bms347
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 25, 2013 11:59 am

Re: Intro to PS

Postby bms347 » Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:01 am

Just a small edit but I would remove the "Upon birth," part of your first sentence. I think it flows better without it and you also use upon again in the second sentence.




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