Any criticism would be GREATLY appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273458
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Any criticism would be GREATLY appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Sep 22, 2013 3:32 pm

Thanks for the help!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Oct 05, 2013 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

xbsnguy
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:25 am

Re: Any criticism would be GREATLY appreciated

Postby xbsnguy » Sun Sep 22, 2013 6:40 pm

Your personal statement does a great job of detailing your past circumstance and demonstrating your determined, forward-leaning attitude despite your tough childhood.

By itself however, your personal statement still feels too weak because it does nothing to tell me about any tangible achievements, that would truly show me you have overcome your past and triumphed. If your resume details tangible achievements, then perhaps your PS is okay, because the admission officers can compare the two documents and synthesize a strong picture of who you are and what you have done.

That being said, it would behoove you to weave your achievements (very briefly) into your story. Doing this will make your story whole and thus send a stronger message to the adcoms. Don't regurgitate your resume, but actually back-up your claims of "work[ing] hard every day to carve a path for [yourself] in this world, to be a role model for [your] brother."

You've shown me resilience and tenacity in attitude, now show it through your accomplishments.

Best of luck.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273458
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Any criticism would be GREATLY appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:24 pm

Thanks for your input! Unfortunately, I'm at the very limit of my two-pages, so I'm hoping that my resume and ugpa will speak for itself. I'm involved in a conglomerate of stuff; there's nothing that really sticks out that I could quickly stick in there, otherwise I would.

I would love any other input on the flow of it all!




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