Military experience- Personal Statement help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Momincombatboots
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:25 pm

Military experience- Personal Statement help

Postby Momincombatboots » Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:42 pm

This is the second version... The first was very scatter brain and I thank Rotor for his advice

Three months before I was set to be honorably discharged from the Navy I was told I would have to go one more deployment, this one ironically was three months long. It would’ve been a piece of cake had my husband not been on his way back from a six month deployment in Okinawa, Japan, my house not been packed up and ready to move 3,000 miles across country and my two year old son prepared to spend some quality time with me after spending a summer with Grandma. But I decided that I would not dwell on the fact that I would have to wait another year to take finish my degree but instead go out on a high note. I had to take one of the most difficult situations in my naval career and turn it a positive experience and motivation for my future.

The crashing of enormous jets landing against the steel deck plate just one level above my head jolted me awake every day for three long months. For the next twelve weeks I had to devote myself to my work, often staying there for 16-18 hours to ensure that the job was completed and always done correctly. I was the supervisor in my work center, in charge of twelve sailors junior to me. I also labored tirelessly mentoring these younger Sailors on the importance of education and helping them to cultivate their careers in all aspects. In a little under three months, I'd completely overhauled the aviation electronics maintenance department and boasted a 98.9% work accuracy in my field as a Second Class Petty Officer. I walked off the brow of the ship that day the proudest I’d felt in a long time. I had taken one of the most difficult situations in my career and turned into not only a successful deployment but also a defining moment in my path to law school.

I have come to understand the value of hard work and I am prepared to dedicate my time to the study of law with as much passion as I had given on that last deployment and more. I believe that the qualities that make a successful law school graduate: dedication to the pursuit of knowledge and to plan, research, and execute a successful mission are qualities that I have learned and demonstrated much of my five year career in the Navy.
Last edited by Momincombatboots on Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Rotor
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Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:06 pm

Re: Military experience- Personal Statement help

Postby Rotor » Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:36 pm

[Edited to remove quoted material now taken down]
Last edited by Rotor on Sat Sep 21, 2013 9:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

Momincombatboots
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:25 pm

Re: Military experience- Personal Statement help

Postby Momincombatboots » Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:48 pm

Thanks. I was trying to clear everything out of my head and then pick it apart. Thanks. I think I have a little more direction now.

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Rotor
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Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:06 pm

Re: Military experience- Personal Statement help

Postby Rotor » Sat Sep 21, 2013 9:44 am

With respect to version 2, it is a lot more clear. But it doesn't have the same hook to start. You might want to try starting off with the same first sentence of version #1 (i.e. topic sentence of version 2 para 2) to set the scene but then reframe the rest to discuss the more substantive bits that you now have for your WCS/shift supe paragraph.

It also seems to be a bit short. Use as much space in the two pages you have for maximum effect. And speaking of "maximum effect" be on the lookout for passiveness in your presentation. Instead of "I have come to understand the value . . . " say something like "Leading those 12 sailors taught me the value of . . . "

Finally, be careful of contractions. Some AdComms may find them too informal. Others may cause confusion. Do you mean "I would" or "I had"? Even though it's somewhat clear here, even momentary confusion can detract from your purpose.

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Ramius
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Re: Military experience- Personal Statement help

Postby Ramius » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:27 pm

The length of this statement isn't really sufficient, as rotor already mentioned. There were a few things that nagged at me in addition to the length of it. You are clearly missing some words where you were thinking faster than you were typing and those words magically disappeared. It's a pretty common mistake, so don't sweat it too much. The best way to fix that is reading it slowly and out loud focusing on actually reading what is on the page vice reading it for the content of the sentence. They missing words will probably jump out at you then. There is also an issue with sentence structure here. Nearly every sentence follows the exact same structure, namely starting every sentence with 'I...' This gives a very staccotic feel to it and eliminates truly effective flow. Look to vary your sentence structure more and your message will be much better received.

Good luck with your revisions!




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