PS Starting two paragraphs. Going in the right direction?

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crisgcia
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Jun 04, 2012 12:13 am

PS Starting two paragraphs. Going in the right direction?

Postby crisgcia » Sun Sep 15, 2013 12:16 pm

I could leave London without seeing Big Ben, the Tower of London, but I could not leave the British Museum without catching a glimpse of the Rosetta Stone. This unintimidating rock, covered in unintelligible scribbles on its broad side, provided the key to understanding the legacy left behind by the great pharaohs. Even as an inquisitive nine year old, I understood the importance of the artifact in what it meant not only to the Egyptian people, but also to the world and developed an appreciation for what historical artifacts like these contributed to our understanding of humankind's identity and evolution.

During my undergraduate career, it seemed only natural that I would pursue my passion in my history major. However, it was through my undergraduate studies that I came to realize passion alone couldn’t create change. In my senior year, I wrote a research paper about Preah Vihear Temple border dispute, which not only represented the mutually shared cultural heritage for Cambodians and Thais alike, but also threatened the preservation of the site for future generations. During my research, I spent countless hours reading about the International Court of Justice’s facilitation in the conflict, which in turn led me to The Hague’s Convention for the Protection of Cultural Property, and how real people used the framework of international law as tools for preservation.

So after these two paragraphs, I was planning on going into depth about how I decided to learn more languages and organized and led a Model UN conference for 200 kids. But I'm really having trouble unifying this. I've also joined a young professional group for historical preservation, but that's also tricky.

Please rip apart what you can though. Better to get started on the right foot than to have to scrap the entire thing because it doesn't work as a whole. Thank you!

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: PS Starting two paragraphs. Going in the right direction?

Postby Ramius » Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:01 pm

This intro doesn't seem coherent even in the first two paragraphs. I see no good reason to mention a trip to London when you were nine in the greater context of you as an applicant. Did this trip to the London Museum when you were nine have any impact on who you are today? Was that the sole reason you became a history major in college? Did it somehow focus your entire education from there on out? I'm guessing not, in which case it's just a pointless story. What you need to remember in crafting your personal statement is that it needs to be informative about you NOW, not who you were when you were younger. I'm willing to bet you had far more formative experiences in your life beyond this trip to London. Focus on those experiences.

Personally, I think you should focus on the model UN experience entirely. Discuss the obstacles you faced, the work it required, how you overcame those obstacles and ultimately what impact the whole experience had on you. This could possibly allow you to highlight your abilities in a leadership role, ability to face problems and overcome them and ultimately how you can learn from an experience and synthesize your outlook on the world based on it.




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