First Draft: Need constructive criticism!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
am_s27
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 5:12 pm

First Draft: Need constructive criticism!

Postby am_s27 » Sat Sep 14, 2013 3:20 pm

Alright, here it is. Any and all opinions appreciated.
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Meet, first, my father, Abbas. He is forty-eight now and has not seen his mother, father, or two sisters in over thirty years. By leaving Iran in 1978 at the age of twelve, at the time a group of Iranian students took more than 60 American hostages in what is known as the Iranian Hostage Crisis, he immigrated to the United States. He values American education; graduating from the University of California Davis at the age of 20; and he constantly reminds me … I do not know how good I have it.

Now let me introduce you to an elementary school classmate of mine that once told me “your people are responsible” for the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Centers. Then to a passerby, in the halls of my high school that chanted “Praise Allah!” every weekday as I went to class. Next to the countless mispronunciations of “Ahmadi” and associations to terrorism when I inform people that I am Iranian. These are family members, friends, and teachers, and they are motivation to further my education and rise above all the small-minded prejudices in the world.

My focus is primarily finance related: financial markets and security investment decisions, business valuations, and the operation and management of a commercial banking institution. I observe, for example, in valuation of Southwest Airlines Co., trends that suggest the company is undervalued 18.30%. The acquisition of AirTran Airways and further root network optimization enable Southwest Airlines Co. to improve profitability margins. Meanwhile, improvement in economic conditions and the decrease in jet fuel prices positively affect airline industry performance. In opposition of using strictly one valuation method, I wonder: Is an analyst’s ability to combine market and company research with valuation methods to create a meaningful results an exact science or an art?

I do not confine my financial analysis to the classroom. Summer work with the Chief Financial Officer and the SVP Chief Credit Administrator of Umpqua Bank taught me the ever changing landscape that is commercial banking. I surveyed over one hundred banks, across the United States, with regards to their mix of deposits, loan growth, and interest rate sensitivity in hope of improving Summit Bank’s management behaviors towards pricing and structuring deposits. With the knowledge regarding the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act, I prepared financial spreads, using tax returns and financial statements provided by the prospective client, knowing that Summit Bank would limit their extension of credit to consumers based on the rising costs and strict regulations being put in place now and within the next year.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, the city provided a different perspective on financial analysis. I was exposed to international exchange rates, interest rates on certificates of deposits, loans, and discount rates, and various rules and regulations effecting the European banking system. Meanwhile, my term at the Copenhagen Business School refined my financial leadership abilities. Through the readings of Donna Ladkin, Sun Tzu, and Nick Obolensky, I benefit in knowing the responsibilities within the leadership development process as well as refining my individual leadership style with insights regarding the “authentic leader”. I aspire to just that, a leader who is genuine to his followers, driven by results rather than money or power, and one who is focused on the long-term value of a project or company.

Law school is the next logical step in my progression as a student, financial analyst, and leader. My goal is to practice business and tax law. Reaching this goal will show my father that: I value “how good I have it” and I am willing to work to improve upon what I already have in order to rise above the stereotypes and prejudices we have both faced throughout our lives.

am_s27
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 5:12 pm

Re: First Draft: Need constructive criticism!

Postby am_s27 » Sun Sep 15, 2013 1:56 pm

Anyone? I just am trying to figure out if this is good, bad, or ugly.

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mandyjay11
Posts: 1159
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:36 am

Re: First Draft: Need constructive criticism!

Postby mandyjay11 » Sun Sep 15, 2013 2:50 pm

I think it is ok. I really like the part in the beginning, but then it turned into the paragraph form of your resume. Also, I didnt really know what stereotypes and prejudices you are going to rise above by studying tax and business law.

All-in-all it just seems so put together. Like you wanted to weave a lot of plots into one essay. I think you should either talk about how your dad has influenced your choice to go to law school, talk about the discrimination you faced as a child and flush that out, talk about a significant experience you had working in the financial field or talk about a leadership experience you had at business school. At the very least, if you want to include all of this, there should be one underlying theme that ties them together.




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