Instead of paying, I am posting. Please rip it apart.

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andrewt86
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:30 pm

Instead of paying, I am posting. Please rip it apart.

Postby andrewt86 » Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:45 pm

My family waved goodbye and slowly faded into the streaks of rain through the bus window. At the time, the weather seemed a fitting backdrop for my departure to the infamous basic combat training. There would be no comfort or luxury where I was going; nor would there be a lack of expectations to do great things as a leader and public servant. The life of a military leader is fraught with uncertainty and expectation, and mine has been no different. In the past two years, my life has accepted many new simultaneous challenges. I have risen to juggle a graduate education, civilian employment, as well as a military career with the Texas National Guard. The military duties include: providing soldiers in my platoon with purpose, direction and motivation, and rising to the challenge of rigorous military training. My civilian duties were demanding as well: a full-time salaried position with the YMCA working 60-70 hour work weeks while attending, reading, and studying for graduate level courses. Each demand has various expectations of personal drive, intelligence, attention to detail, and leadership qualities that are consistent with law programs across the nation and the profession as a whole. Through my life experiences, I have learned that public service is the most rewarding field one can ascend. This is mostly due to the overwhelming sense of accomplishment one feels by overcoming the inherent challenges of public service and realizing the success you have helped others and yourself achieve. For me, Law school is another extension of that call to public service, and the law career path is another challenge I am ready to successfully navigate.
After receiving my Master’s Degree in Public Administration and wrapping up my simultaneous three year employment at the YMCA as a program coordinator for youth sports, where I worked with a wide variety of clients from the very wealthy to those on hardship scholarships, I had planned out the next step: commissioning as an officer in the United States Army. Every choice I had made thus far pointed to this outcome and it was an exciting opportunity to enhance my education, work experience, and public service career path. At Texas A&M, I was a member of the Corps of Cadets, a student military leadership program. My undergraduate degree in political science and graduate degree in public administration amplified my credentials as a public servant. The culmination of my time at Texas A&M was to join the Texas Army National Guard and receive my commission. I knew that a career in the military entailed long deployments in distant countries, extended periods of time spent away from loved ones, and the ominous possibility of being injured or killed. My nature to seek out and thrive in harsh environments across the landscape of education and a dangerous world makes me a perfect candidate for any law program.
My experiences have forced me to see beyond myself and into the lives of young men and women with unique backgrounds and goals. Building on diversified education and work experience background, my tenure at Engineer Basic Officer Leaders Course is the most recent example. I was entrenched with peers who had different views, education, and problem solving techniques than myself. In the furnace of long hours, sparse sleep, harsh weather, and limited time we were compelled to work together tactically in order to complete over eight missions that required impeccable coordinating instructions over great distances. In addition, the educational pace of the class forced teamwork in understanding and presenting material in a professional military manner. My current public service history has confirmed the sentiment that in order to lead you must understand those whom you serve. I feel confident that a legal education will enhance the technical skills required to represent the interests of others and will allow me to better equip myself with the knowledge to understand their lives from a unique and detailed perspective.
Goals for my legal education are to increase my understanding of the issues facing my generation and my knowledge of the connection between my community and the world as a whole. I value the extremely high quality of education a law degree confers, and the unique structure of the legal curriculum and system to which one graduates. Knowledge gained will be used to further pursue a career in public service. Law school will make me a more effective and responsive leader because it will give me unique insight into the lives of others and the problems which they face while simultaneously enabling me to solve those problems.

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: Instead of paying, I am posting. Please rip it apart.

Postby Ramius » Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:45 pm

This reads like a virtual rewrite of your resume, the common pitfall of many PS writers. It also does nothing to show you have any of the qualities you talk about having, which is another common early pitfall. They are all understandable problems to have in the early going, but they also need to be eradicated. With that in mind, you probably need to scrap this whole thing. Take the time to get introspective about your experiences in the military and pick an event or incident that highlights the leadership ability you claim to have without having to say "look at me, I have leadership ability!" The best PS never tell me any quality you think you possess and instead show me you have certain qualities and let me deduce that for myself. As an analogy, would you buy a car sight unseen because the guy selling it said it was fast, reliable and luxuriously comfortable? Of course not. You'd want to see for yourself what you're getting into. Now consider yourself as the car for sale and the law school is the buyer. Sell, sell, sell.

I don't think you can use anything you have here as it's written, but I am supremely confident you have experiences in your past that you can use to write a quality PS. GL!

andrewt86
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:30 pm

Re: Instead of paying, I am posting. Please rip it apart.

Postby andrewt86 » Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:13 pm

Thank you. I will re-write and re-post.




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