Completely new PS, needs critiquing Forum

[Domke]

So if anyone read my last PS knows it was was crap. I feel like this one is much better. Any recomendations on how I can improve it would be helpful.

“There are three ways to become successful: You are either born into it, get lucky, or work your butt off” I don’t know if my Mother came up with that quote, but growing up I heard it often. From a young age I was instilled with a drive and work ethic rivaled by few. After graduating high school I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I perused this goal with near single mindedness, but my lack of developed study habits caught up with me. I received good, but not great grades, and was not accepted to any of the nursing programs I applied to. To understand the field of medicine better, and gain perspective, I trained to become an EMT.

I worked full time for a private ambulance company in South King County near {City}. We responded to 911 calls in a variety of areas, from rural farms, to inner urban areas. While the job was not always the safest, sometimes requiring us to wear bulletproof vests, it gave me a very real feeling that I was helping the community. After a few months I realized that while I loved my job I was frustrated by my lack of skills, and desired to have a bigger impact on my patient’s lives. I redoubled my effort to attend nursing school, expanding my search out side of the {City} area, and was accepted to {College} in {area}.

Nursing school is where I matured. I honed my study skills, graduating near the top of my class, and was asked to speak at our commencement. When I started nursing school in 2007 nursing jobs were plentiful, than the recession of 2008 hit. By the time I graduated in 2009 most hospitals were not hiring new graduates. I discovered that hard work was not enough to find a job. I learned to network, and build professional relationships. Eventually I leveraged my EMT skills to procure a job as a nurse on a psychiatric unit.

My first year as a psych nurse was chaotic. The manager that hired me had just been promoted to his position over the nurse. The staff was conflicted, and a few even told me outright that I should not have been hired. Through hard work, attention to detail, and a cheerful disposition, I persisted, eventually gaining the acceptance of my peers. After one year, I felt I understood my new job and was comfortable returning to school part time. My coworkers questioned my desire to return to school. What they didn’t understand was that I was not attending school to make more money, but because I had an insatiable appetite for knowledge.
While achieving my bachelor degree I studied various forms of healthcare systems. I began to understand that the system of healthcare can have a significant impact on the outcome of an individual patient. This view was further confirmed when I was cross trained as a utilization review nurse. I found myself negotiating with insurance companies on how long patients could be hospitalized. Often I became frustrated that a non medical person, who had never met the patient, could decide how long a patient needed to be hospitalized before they were mentally stable. For my final bachelor degree project I updated the department’s nurse competencies. Shortly after completing the project I was promoted to charge nurse.

Being a full time charge nurse I am in the unfamiliar role of being a formal leader. I learned that there is a big difference between a formal and informal leader. Being a leader is especially difficult in my department, where most of the people I supervise are older than me. Despite these new challenges I felt unfulfilled.

While finishing my bachelor degree I realized I wanted to change the system. I became more involved with organizations devoted to improving access to care. Instead of providing care for one person at a time, I want to help people have access to care. The more I researched this idea, the more I realized that the system of care we use is based on our laws. The best way to affect change in these laws is by being a lawyer. after law school I am going to advocate for patients directly on their behalf and assist with shaping healthcare law by consulting directly with policy makers. I know that law school will be difficult, but whenever I am in doubt I remember my Mother’s saying. I wasn’t born successful, you can’t control luck, so if I want success I have to get out there and work my butt off.

[Domke]

Nothing?

[Ramius]

I'll take a quick stab at this for you. First off, this was a much better attempt than your first, so good job digging deeper and figuring out a stronger topic. That being said, I think you need to go a little further. You're far too direct in telling me all of these qualities you think you possess and do a minimal job of showing how you have those qualities. It seems like you're trying to equate your resume to the work ethic and drive you possess, but how do I know that shows you have work ethic? I'm not saying it doesn't show those qualities at all, I just think it doesn't show them well enough. If you want to better show your work ethic and drive, I feel you'd be better off picking one of the positions you've worked in (charge nurse seems like the best role for this) and use that role to highlight those qualities. You can take an event that happened in that job and show how you handled it to show these qualities. As the reader, I never want to hear someone tell me how they have certain qualities. I'm usually turned off when I see people say things about their unsurpassed work ethic, drive to succeed, insatiable thirst for knowledge, etc. These are all great things, but saying you have them directly makes me discount them a little bit. You have great work ethic? Show me a situation where it was pushed to its limits. Drive to succeed? Show me how you faced insurmountable adversity and succeeded in the face of difficulty. Insatiable thirst for knowledge? Show me a time when you needed to learn something and then went above and beyond to learn more than was ever required. The key is always to show.

Like I said, this was definitely an improvement over your earlier topic, but it still reads too much like you're trying to weave positive qualities into your resume without providing sufficient proof for those qualities. Really try to focus in on one or two events in your life and use those to show those qualities. Challenge yourself and try to avoid ever actually describing yourself and the attributes you're trying to show. If you can tell me a story that makes me think you have those qualities without ever saying it, you've undoubtedly succeeded.

[lastsamurai]

^^this guy is spot on every time. I think the reason you didn't get many responses could have to do with this statement generally being tough to read. For starters, posting something with paragraph breaks will make it much easier to get through. Further, remember that you're telling a story. Right now, it's so segregated and choppy that I couldn't focus on what you were saying.

I know that everyone has a "grammar friend" out there, and you should really go and sit down with yours for a bit. Learning the difference between than vs then and how to use a semi colon would really help you in writing a coherent statement. You also need to focus on word choice because very little of this feels natural.

Finally, you need to focus on the message you're trying to convey.

Good luck!

[Domke]

Thank you for the input. The PS is certainly different from what I have written before. In scientific writing you are encouraged to get out and say what you want to say, describe things specifically. I think I will take your advice and write specifically on being a charge nurse.

Sorry for the block essay. I updated it a few times as I cut it down and forgot to add the spacing back in. I know the grammar isn't correct, this wasn't meant to be a final.

Edit: Fixed the spacing, also I didn't even realize there was a semicolon in there. Thank you.