First Draft / Second Draft / Third Draft (updated!)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First Draft / Second Draft / Third Draft (updated!)

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:45 pm

My third and most recent draft is in the 5th post.

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This is my first draft, pretty rough. I put in some comments/edits that I'd like to change or consider changing, but for now I'd appreciate any comments about the general flow, structure, examples, descriptions, basically anything general as I move forward with editing and writing future drafts.

Thanks in advance!

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Sometimes the most unlikely reasons can set you apart. “You’ve got street cred’.” (add who said this here? Leave uncredited?) While it’s not the first description I would use for myself, I certainly can’t argue with the results, as I look over (the field / one of the most focused warm-ups of the season / 17 players [who I’ve coached for the past 3 years]). Suddenly my instructions carry more weight, my decisions affect not just players but families, and (third thing here?). (Another sentence about my own experience – relate to having ‘street cred’?)

The end result is called “the beautiful game”, but often the build-up is anything but (that?). Sitting in a budget meeting is a far cry from the fluidity of a soccer game in motion, but as the coach of a team of 17 year olds, decisions on as well as off the field play a major part in the lives of everyone involved (the players?). I can’t make use of my own experiences as a student-athlete if a player cannot afford to be on the team, so we carry several players on scholarship, drawn from money donated in part from the allotment to coach’s payment. The responsibility of the scholarship player is not to make use of the money contributed, but to have accountability to remain academically eligible to play by maintaining their grades in school. (Change sentence around to show that I informed the players of this?)

Three years is ample time to grow, though the changes may not appear evident without reflection. As a new college graduate with my time in the classroom and on the competitive playing field behind me, I did not feel satisfied, and sought a way to reconnect to my past (change wording?). After several seasons, my priorities (concerns?) changed from wins and losses to an emphasis on dedication, hard work, and personal responsibility. My street cred changed from being respected for having played at a high level to someone who takes an interest in the successes of his players on and off the field. The only two things you can control are your attitude and your effort, a mantra (motto? phrase?) I have tried to instill in my players as well as myself not just as athletes or students, but as adults.

Over the next three years I will dedicate myself to the pursuit of my goals. My journey to this point has not been a means to an end, nor will my education, but rather a (another word for journey/pursuit here) of personal growth. My attitude and effort are how I set myself apart, though the development of a bit of street cred never hurts. (reword last sentence?)
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Sep 22, 2013 12:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273107
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Sep 12, 2013 12:04 pm

Bring Up My Post

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Domke
Posts: 94
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:47 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby Domke » Thu Sep 12, 2013 1:47 pm

1) You have a lot of run on sentances.

2)You have a good topic but you need to work more on the delivery. I would suggest focusing on how you lead these kids. If you could tell the story about one individual kid and how you affected him that would be better.

3)Right now I don't understand why you talk about playing in the past. I would suggest not talking about it unless it directly ties into something you are doing now.

Please read the TLS book on writing a PS. It will help you a lot.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273107
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First Draft / Second Draft / Third Draft (updated!)

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 20, 2013 1:36 am

This is my second draft. I just finished my third draft and will post directly after this, but I wanted to include this to show the progress/changes that I've made.

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Sometimes the most unlikely reasons can set you apart. “You’ve got street cred’,” said a player who I’ve coached for the past three years. While it’s not the first description I would use for myself, I certainly can’t argue with the results, as I look over one of the most focused warm-ups of the season. Suddenly my instructions carry more weight, my decisions affect not just players but families, and my (efforts?) have a tangible impact on the lives of 18 players.

The end result is called “the beautiful game”, but often the build-up is anything but. Sitting in a budget meeting is a far cry from the fluidity of a soccer game in motion, but as the coach of a team of 17 year olds, decisions on as well as off the field play a major part in the lives of everyone involved. I’m unable to make use of my own experiences as a student-athlete if a player cannot afford to be on the team, so we carry several players on scholarship. The money used to fund scholarships is donated directly from the coach’s salary, although players are not made aware of this fact. While these players are thankful for the opportunity they otherwise would not have had, their financial situation often comes second to their academic struggles. Many scholarship players also have difficulty maintaining their grades to remain eligible to play. Pulling a player aside to work on techniques is relatively easy compared to pulling a player aside to make sure they’re attending classes, doing their homework, and taking their responsibilities seriously. (make this more specific?)

Three years is ample time to grow, though the changes may not appear evident without reflection. As a new college graduate with my time in the classroom and on the competitive playing field behind me, I did not feel satisfied, and sought a way to relive and reconnect to my past (change wording?). After several seasons of coaching, my priorities changed from wins and losses to an emphasis on dedication, hard work, and personal responsibility. My street cred’ changed from being respected for having played at a high level to being someone who takes an interest in the successes of his players on and off the field. I have tried to instill in my players as well as myself not just as athletes or students, but as adults, that the only two things you can control are your attitude and your effort.

Over the next three years I will dedicate myself to the pursuit of my goals. My journey to this point has prepared me to adapt to situations I have not encountered before, to grow as a person, and to strive to be a better student than I was a day ago (a day before? the day before?). My interest in attending law school is not a means to an end, but rather a focus on the process of learning the law. My attitude and effort are how I set myself apart, though the development of a bit of street cred’ never hurts. (reword last sentence?)

Anonymous User
Posts: 273107
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First Draft / Second Draft / Third Draft (updated!)

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 20, 2013 1:39 am

This is my third, and most recent draft. Please comment on it, I could use all the help I can get. It's definitely a work in progress, as you can see, but I definitely look forward to editing it further.

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Sometimes the most unlikely reasons can set you apart. Eighteen Ethiopian, Mexican, Oromo, White, Black, and Somali fifteen-year-old boys needed a coach. “You've got street cred’,” said one of the players. My college soccer career was over. My graduation ceremony had ended months ago. I was feeling restless. Dissatisfied. I said yes.

I never would have imagined myself as a coach. My time spent learning as a player and as a student was an individual process. I was self-motivated and driven, but often unaware of the struggles of my peers. I was self-contained and introspective, but as a coach I was thrust into focus. Suddenly my instructions carried more weight, my decisions affected not just players but families, and my efforts had a tangible impact on the lives of eighteen players.

The end result is called “the beautiful game”, but often the build-up is anything but. Sitting in a budget meeting is a far cry from the fluidity of a soccer game in motion, but as a third-year coach of an inner city soccer team, decisions on as well as off the field play a major part in the lives of everyone involved. I’m unable to make use of my own experiences as a student-athlete if a player cannot afford to be on the team, so we carry several players on scholarship. The money used to fund scholarships is donated directly from the coach’s salary, and although I wouldn't have considered making this sacrifice during my first season in charge, today (now?) I wouldn't consider stepping onto the field without these scholarship players.

While these players are thankful for the opportunity they otherwise would not have had, their financial situation often comes second to their academic struggles. Many scholarship players also have difficulty maintaining their grades to remain eligible to play. Pulling a player aside to work on techniques is relatively easy compared to pulling a player aside to make sure they’re attending classes, doing their homework, and taking their responsibilities seriously.

Three years is ample time to grow, though the changes may not appear evident without reflection. As a new college graduate with my time in the classroom and on the competitive playing field behind me, I did not feel satisfied, and sought a way to maintain my connection to the game. After several seasons of coaching, my priorities changed from wins and losses to an emphasis on dedication, hard work, and personal responsibility. My street cred’ changed from being respected for having played at a high level to being someone who takes an interest in the successes of his players on and off the field. I have tried to instill in my players as well as myself not just as athletes or students, but as adults, that the only two things you can control are your attitude and your effort.

Over the next three years I will dedicate myself to the pursuit of my goals. My interest in attending law school coincides with my own journey, as I use my knowledge and experiences to interpret, adapt, and grow with the world around me, much like the law. I am prepared to grow as a person, and to strive to be a better student than I was a day ago. My attitude and effort are how I set myself apart, and the next three years will not be a means to an end, but rather a focus on the process.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273107
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Sep 22, 2013 12:39 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Bring Up My Post




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