Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:47 am

I am attempting to convey my journey towards a legal profession and how community service and a life experience funneled me towards it. I am a bit of a splitter 3.2 and 168 and I have a few reach schools in mind. I would like my personal statement to be an asset to my application as much as possible.

I am the daughter of a doctor. Growing up I was asked if I would follow in my father's footsteps more times than my own name. Until I was fourteen I had no idea what I wanted to do as an adult. One lawsuit completely changed my point of view and shaped my professional desires. That medical malpractice lawsuit was able to completely rock my world. The result of the case, which was partially due to an insurance company’s desire not to waste time on this case, left both my parents scrambling for jobs and changed our general standard of living. While I may have had little understanding of the legal methods employed in that medical malpractice case I realized I wanted to pursue a legal profession to make the world fair. I saw lawyers as leveling the playing field in disagreements while serving the community.

As a fourteen year old it was impossible for me to immediately enter a legal profession but I found a way to service my community. Throughout high school I worked with the Delaware Fund for Reaching Citizens with Cognitive Disabilities and the Quest Therapeutic Services. I found joy working with the same people week after week and seeing them grow and improve. No matter the stresses I experienced in high school I always came back to service as a form of relief. Improving the lives of others gave me more than any personal accomplishments.

I began my first weekend at Penn State participating in the Summer Day of Service and never looked back. I joined The We Are Campaign seeking to strengthen the Penn State community and was allowed to stretch my wings, recruiting all donations for the spring day of service the organization hosted and holding positions on the executive board. As a sophomore I joined Gamma Sigma Sigma and found a group dedicated to the community. I was able to grow in leadership roles that fulfilled my desire to provide fair environments for all members and continue service in a variety of organizations.

My employment experience has also only increased my desire to serve others and provide a fair life for all. Throughout the summer of 2012 I worked in the heat at underprivileged living areas across Chester County, Pennsylvania. Working with the same kids for three months and seeing their desire for learning grow to an insatiable level completely wiped out any of the gripes I had. Waking up early, staying outside in the heat for hours, and being on call for my boss at all times were inconsequential compared to the benefits.

Upon graduating I have come back to my original desire to provide a fair playing field for all people. Helping people fulfills me and my desire for equality in all endeavors has driven me towards the legal field. I have completed countless volunteer hours with more organizations than I can remember, but that will never be enough. Law school will permit me to further that need in a professional way.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:52 am

Yes, it's too much like a resume. You mention about four different events but only superficially. Focus in on one or two and tell the story of it (them) in such a way as to introduce yourself to the reader and illustrate some positive qualities you have.

Anonymous User
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:04 pm

I think I would like to focus on my work in college. Would it be wise to mention in a sentence my high school experiences or jump straight into college? I was hoping to convey a continued interest in community service throughout the last eight years.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:10 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I think I would like to focus on my work in college. Would it be wise to mention in a sentence my high school experiences or jump straight into college? I was hoping to convey a continued interest in community service throughout the last eight years.

You could literally include one sentence like "In high school I had been involved in several different service groups and brought that interest with me to college" before diving into a more detailed story about your college work. However, your 8 years of service is plainly visible on your resume. The point of the PS is to tell the reader things they CAN'T get from your resume. Restating things from your resume is quite literally wasting space.

Anonymous User
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:35 pm

Thank you I really do appreciate it! One last question, is my first paragraph relevant? It truly was the first moment I became interested in the legal field and drove my interest in community service but I don't know if it is just too much.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:38 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Thank you I really do appreciate it! One last question, is my first paragraph relevant? It truly was the first moment I became interested in the legal field and drove my interest in community service but I don't know if it is just too much.

In the current form it is not terribly relevant because you don't refer to any of it again (being the child of a doctor, the malpractice lawsuit). Your intro paragraph should establish your topic and theme, not be a random paragraph from an entirely different essay.

Anonymous User
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Re: Is this too much like a resume? - First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:49 pm

Thanks so much, I have been horribly lost attempting to write this statement, as a middle class white girl I feel like I can't keep up with someone who had cancer or a parent die.




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