I'm currently working on my personal statement and was hoping to get some feedback. Please, if you could, maybe suggest things that are: superfluous, things that need elaboration, or things that are absent from this current draft. It would be greatly appreciated. Also, what is everyone's opinion on adding a final paragraph elaborating more on why I want to attend the specific school applied to. Thanks in advance. It is much appreciated!
What can one do in the face of adversity? Alter the situation. I had just received my degree, and looking back, there were some things I wish I had done differently. Always the good student, I grew fatigued with the educational system and the routine of it. Hanging out with people intent on more shiftless endeavors, I ran afoul and received an unsavory introduction to the penal system. Robert Nealon, a man in his fifties with a commanding voice, hair grayed with experience, and brimming with confidence, was to represent me. From this experience I developed a fascination for the legal field and I told myself that this is the type of person I want to be.
My senior year came and went, and after the aforementioned ordeal I was able to focus more intently on my academic endeavors. It was enjoyable; I led a lecture in an upper level philosophy class, and led a group to win a mock trial in a history course. However, I yearned for a change. There were still many of my old friends, stagnant in their development and dragging me down. So I left. The child of Bolivian immigrants, fond recollections lingered of time spent there as a child. I decided that this is where I would seek that holy grail of human existence, self-fulfillment.
I arrived in late August, having worked all summer as a server in a restaurant to help finance the trip. When I arrived, I was not without aid. A man by the name of Fernando Medina visited in June earlier that year. He was my mother’s old friend and a reputable plastic surgeon in Bolivia. Fernando offered me a place to stay and helped me to secure a position at the Bolivian Army School of Languages. A place that in time would give me what I sought.
I was both excited and dreadful; I had been there hardly a month. A Mr. Colonel Escobari interviewed me for a position teaching a master’s-level certificate course in English. I already had a bit of experience teaching English in the form of helping my mother in her ESOL class. This, however, was very different. They needed someone to teach grammar and socio-linguistics who: held a degree, knew of languages, and, was a native English speaker. I had to develop my own course materials, and though it was difficult, I was up to the task. They also had me develop a writing composition course for students in an advanced tourism-in-English class in anticipation of their lengthy final project. In addition to all this, I also taught an intermediate-level English class where I would face a new obstacle.
In contrast to the certificate-level course, which consisted of university graduates, military officers slated for a U.N. peace keeping force, and other adults, the intermediate-level course consisted of younger students anywhere between the ages of fourteen to twenty. There were about twenty-one unruly students whom it was my task to teach English. I was, however, able to bond with them after some time. It was then I learned that in order to graduate they had to put on a theatrical performance, and that I was to be their mentor.
Having learned of the requirements from one of the other teachers, I went home and began to think. It needed to deal with the culture of an English speaking country, it had to have a moral, as well as avoid violence and inadvertent racism. I mulled over various options and arrived at “Remember the Titans” as a good candidate to re-enact, even though the students were unfamiliar with the film. The top four groups would have their grades bumped up a certain number of points depending on how a panel of judges ranked them. This theatrical performance could very well have decided whether some of them graduated or not.
At the language school’s graduation ceremony, I found myself reflecting on what was accomplished that semester. One of my students from the certificate-level course had enough fluency to become a teacher himself. Another from my English composition course finished with the highest grade on their final project. And, the theatrical performance finished second giving the students nine points and allowing everyone to graduate. Then came to mind my personal accomplishments: I earned the respect of my students and colleagues, developed my public speaking abilities, overcame difficult project challenges, and through my socio-linguistics and English composition courses, exercised my intellectual interest in linguistics and philosophy. Satisfied with what I had accomplished, I turned my attention back to the dream of becoming a lawyer.
(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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