first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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azditamo
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:45 pm

first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby azditamo » Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:55 pm

As I walked through the doors of my parents home from a recent trip back to my home

country Ethiopia, I was greeted with numerous questions; however one question seemed

to keep coming up. If I liked the country and had plans of ever returning on a permanent

status. Which for me was a hard question to answer, at that time it had been close to two

decades since I left my homeland. While my stay in Ethiopia was filled with great memories

and experiences, I felt that I no longer had the ties that I once did to my country, mainly due

to fact that I had fully assimilated to the American culture. As a result I felt like a foreigner in

my country and was greeted as such. Discussing this with my parents, I can see that they

were disappointed in my decision. Which resulted in me asking why we came to America in

the first place.

My father looked right into my eyes and let out a huge sigh and said “I guess you were

too young to remember and maybe it is time I tell you my story, and how it affects your

story.” My father leaned back and started to telling me his story.“When you were four

Ethiopia was in a political unrest, at that time I was involved in politics. As the unrest

reached a boiling point and fearing persecution from the government I was forced to leave

the country, my family and seek refuge in a sovereign country. I made it to America, with

the fear of being persecuted if I ever came back to that country, and with my wife and my

children in my heart and on my mind I went to work on securing a permanent citizenship in

American and being able to reunite with my family once again.”

At that point I said you succeeded in doing that, you must have worked really hard I am

impressed that you knew at that time how to navigate through the immigration process

without a real understanding of America or even the language itself. My father laughed

and said “I did not do it by myself a lawyer helped me. Actually I do not consider him just a

lawyer but a friend he helped me file the right paperwork, negotiated my case and helped

me secure political asylum status which ultimately ledto all of us being here. If it was not for

the lawyer’s help, I would not be here, you would not be here, the rest of the family would

not be here and our future would not be so bright.”

At that point I started to think about his story and how the lawyer had such an impact on the

outcome of my father’s future, and how without the help of the lawyer my father would not

have been able to secure his citizenship or ours. The more I thought about his story the

more I started developing an interest in being a lawyer, I started imagining what it would

be like to sit down with clients, drafting up documents that would have profound effects on

their lives or helping the clients negotiate their specific situation. Most individuals lack the

necessary skills or the know how to draft up legal documents or have the ability to negotiate

in a legal manner and I knew that I would be good at helping them do that. Nonetheless, I

was in my second semester of my senior year in college and was graduating with a finance

degree and wanted to utilize that degree to the fullest.

However, recently my interest in being a lawyer was revived as I started developing a

company with my brother. I was involved in every aspect of the company, from developing

the website to writing the business plan. Yet it was not until I started drafting and negotiating

the sales contract that I knew that I wanted to do this for a career. While some might view

my drive to attend law school as me turning my back on utilizing my finance degree, I see it

as the next step. In order for me to be able to be a civil litigator so I can negotiate contracts

or draft up legal documents I need to be able to combine my finance degree with a law

degree.

My interest in civil litigation and law in general has continued to grow, I have spent

countless hours reading and gaining useful information about law school and I cannot wait

for the challenge. I feel prepared to study law and the information sessions that I have

attended at law schools has confirmed my desire. I look forward to starting my legal career

soon.

As a law student, I know that I will be surrounded with smart and talented people from all

walks of life with many experiences and stories to share and I look forward to sharing my

experiences and stories and learning the necessary skills that will help me accomplish my

goals.
Last edited by azditamo on Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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capt_slow
Posts: 286
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:08 pm

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby capt_slow » Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:44 pm

I would avoid any vulgarity i.e. your first sentence. I know some people that would be offended just reading the word a-hole, even if you are just quoting someone from your life.

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azditamo
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:45 pm

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby azditamo » Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:52 pm

capt_slow wrote:I would avoid any vulgarity i.e. your first sentence. I know some people that would be offended just reading the word a-hole, even if you are just quoting someone from your life.


Ha Ha I will take it out just for you.

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby rinkrat19 » Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:01 pm

Look, I don't want to be harsh, but this has a LOT of grammatical problems. I'm assuming English was not your first language? If I read this aloud, it sounds like a speech someone might give, but there are a lot of errors in punctuation and quite a few incomplete sentences. Honestly, the grammar of this piece is not up to the formal standard that is required for law school. You would not BELIEVE how nit-picky legal writing is.

I think you would be well-served by taking some time to polish up your writing skills. Are you still in college? Does your school have a writing center? I think it would be instructive for you to have a piece your writing REALLY dissected for every small grammatical error, just to see where you are. Then take a few more writing courses.

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azditamo
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:45 pm

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby azditamo » Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:11 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:Look, I don't want to be harsh, but this has a LOT of grammatical problems. I'm assuming English was not your first language? If I read this aloud, it sounds like a speech someone might give, but there are a lot of errors in punctuation and quite a few incomplete sentences. Honestly, the grammar of this piece is not up to the formal standard that is required for law school. You would not BELIEVE how nit-picky legal writing is.

I think you would be well-served by taking some time to polish up your writing skills. Are you still in college? Does your school have a writing center? I think it would be instructive for you to have a piece your writing REALLY dissected for every small grammatical error, just to see where you are. Then take a few more writing courses.


I have been removed from college for a long time and not have written for a long time, that explains the grammatical errors. Also I just wrote as I would speak, explains the speech format. I just wanted to get something on paper and just work through it. I know it is not up to those standards, that is why I am starting early just to get to that point. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it..

NYstate
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Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:44 am

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby NYstate » Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:48 pm

This sounds like anecdotes about you and law. But I don't feel that I learn much about you. A lot of immigrants tell their parents stories, but not their own. Your fathers story is important in the way it impacts you for the purpose of a PS.

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azditamo
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:45 pm

Re: first draft, i will like some constructive criticism

Postby azditamo » Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:01 am

NYstate wrote:This sounds like anecdotes about you and law. But I don't feel that I learn much about you. A lot of immigrants tell their parents stories, but not their own. Your fathers story is important in the way it impacts you for the purpose of a PS.


What do you suggest then, I need my father story to show what implications it had on my story. I am going to paraphrase and make the story about me. Thank you for the input. This is helping me a lot I will make changes and post it. Thank you again.




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