First Draft- I need your help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
iceiceman
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 7:57 pm

First Draft- I need your help

Postby iceiceman » Thu Aug 29, 2013 8:00 pm

editing...
Last edited by iceiceman on Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

iceiceman
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 7:57 pm

Re: First Draft- I need your help

Postby iceiceman » Thu Aug 29, 2013 8:04 pm

Did I speak about myself enough?

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: First Draft- I need your help

Postby Ramius » Thu Aug 29, 2013 8:19 pm

I am sincerely trying to disconnect my critique of this statement from the fact that this isn't your first language, but even getting past the language barrier, it was rough. TBH, I was disinterested from the very first frame. I have no doubt that you have a truly interesting story to tell as a first generation American, but this was not it. It's not a matter of talking about yourself too much, talking about your parents too much, or anything in between. It's that I never felt engaged in your story.

xbsnguy
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:25 am

Re: First Draft- I need your help

Postby xbsnguy » Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:22 pm

Unfortunately, your PS does a great job of selling your parents, but not so much you.

The most compelling part of your PS (that is relevant to "selling" you) is the quote where your dad tells you to keep reading. This part engaged me because it showed (instead of just telling) me how you overcame a large obstacle and flourished.

“You may not know how to speak English now,” he said, “but if you keep reading, you will learn to speak the language.” I took his message to heart. With this mindset, I was able to develop my love for reading, as well as my desire for knowledge.


I recommend you rethink the direction of your PS and maybe center it around the quote. Always keep in mind how you can show the admission committee your character and achievements, rather than tell.

NYstate
Posts: 1566
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:44 am

Re: First Draft- I need your help

Postby NYstate » Thu Aug 29, 2013 11:20 pm

Have you read examples of PS?

Are you a physicist? You mention quantum physics. Maybe there is something about physics you can use as inspiration for a personal statement.

Can you think of a more recent challenge you have overcome, if that is what you want to write about? Writing about your parents 20 years ago and yourself when you were a child is too far removed in time from where you are now.

I think you know that writing so much about your parents takes the focus off you.

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alexrodriguez
Posts: 841
Joined: Wed May 01, 2013 4:59 am

Re: First Draft- I need your help

Postby alexrodriguez » Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:23 am

This dude is trolling hard. Has to be a troll. If he came to America in elementary school and graduated from a university in the states then his writing wouldn't be this poor.

and people said I was an elaborate troll back in the day.... HAH




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