2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:27 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Aug 30, 2013 12:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:38 pm

It's personal and moving, and has the potential to be a good statement. That said, I don't get any sense of who your brother actually was from this or why he inspired you, all I know about him is that he died of bone cancer. I mean, I assume he was an athlete, but what kind? Was he an especially impressive one? Why did he have a memorial, and where was this dugout? A high school field? A college field? Also, was he older? I kind of assume so, but you never say as much.

The word "relentlessly" really jumped out at me as excessive (it makes it sound like you had an epic one-hour debate with a priest over a foot massage).

I didn't really buy the tie-in between foot masseuse and public service lawyer. If you really have a strong feeling that you want to be a public interest lawyer, find a better way to bring it up or don't bring it up at all. And if you don't really mean it, don't say it at all. I did however like the concept of you feeling motivated to excel by the memory of your brother, and I would stick with that.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:39 pm

Similarly, I don't get that much sense of what kind of relationship you had with your brother (other than as foot masseuse) -- were you close? Was it more of an admiration from afar? Competitive?

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:09 pm

Valid points. He was 6 years older than me, he died in High School and he was a great baseball, football and soccer player. They dedicated a memorial at the highschool baseball field in my town in his name.

Due to the age difference we weren't remarkably close but I wanted to make him and my father proud by pursuing athletics.

I see where you both are coming from. I'll have to add more detail about our relationship and how he inspired me.

I am passionate about public interest law, should I try to find another way to tie it in, or just avoid 'why law' completely?

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2nd draft, Still needs a lot of work

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:13 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Valid points. He was 6 years older than me, he died in High School and he was a great baseball, football and soccer player. They dedicated a memorial at the highschool baseball field in my town in his name.

Due to the age difference we weren't remarkably close but I wanted to make him and my father proud by pursuing athletics.

I see where you both are coming from. I'll have to add more detail about our relationship and how he inspired me.

I am passionate about public interest law, should I try to find another way to tie it in, or just avoid 'why law' completely?


I'm not saying you necessarily need two more paragraphs about your brother and your relationship with him, it would just help if you could drop in a detail here and there to fill things out. As far as the public interest law thing -- why do you really want to do it? It's not because of your brother, I assume (maybe I'm wrong). If you can't connect it to the rest of the statement in a believable way, I'd leave it out. Or else if you want your statement to be "why law" (it doesn't have to be) then focus on that and not your brother.




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