Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

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Anonymous User
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Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 9:34 am

It is a little long for a first paragraph. I know I probably need serious editing. Be harsh if need be, and question my motives on any and everything. I decided to write about about my sick/absentee father and how his re entrance into my life...helped me discover a love of books and learning that motivated me to become a mentor and help found a program at university with the intention of improving their academic progress and helping them to stay in school.

Please let me know if my intro has the makings of a great PS...do not sugar coat it. If you think I should re do my first paragraph by all means let me know. It will sting, but honesty goes a long way, and will help better my progress. Well here it is....

I sat by my father’s bedside at New York Presbyterian Hospital. I watched the slow rise and fall of his chest, the various tubes that ran through his body, and how swollen and sickly he looked from the impurities that flowed through him. He was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure. My father’s illness did not come as a shock. He is quite a drinker, and thought that blood pressure medication meant you could still pour half a shaker worth of salt on a piece of steak and get away with it! Nevertheless, the doctors informed me that he is still a victim of a terrible illness, and he needed me. So every day for two weeks, I sat at his bedside and held his hand, although I quite often wondered why I even bothered. It was a terrible feeling, something I didn't like to think about, he is my father after all, but the truth is I've been here all before, and sitting in that hospital room for hours only made me angry. I had already lost him once before. When I was eight he told my mother and I that he no longer wanted to play house that being a father was no longer special or important to him. It was time for us to go, and ever since that day I went about life as if he were dead. Now after eight years I had to be reminded that my father was out there living life without me? I was angry, because there was nothing between us. I realized that that the man lying on that hospital bed was my father by blood and that was all that held us together. I often questioned if he even wanted me there, was my presence even a comfort to him at all? It wasn't until, I helped him up the stairs to his third floor apartment after his time at the hospital did he open up to me. I never saw my father cry before, in fact at that moment I don't even remember ever seeing him smile, but the tears that fell from his eyes onto my face were real. I looked up at him and witnessed him break down sobbing. I remember the muffled words of I’m sorry over and over as he cried. I tried to silence him quickly in fear that I would fall apart on the stairs as well. I don't know how long we were out there on those steps, but it was enough for us to realize that we couldn't lose each other again. We promised get to know and understand each other for however long we had. Through this experience I have learned much about my father, and realize what an extraordinary man he is, and how his reentry into my life greatly contributed to my own physical and mental growth.

Thank you for reading.

Anonymous User
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 9:39 am

I just wanted to ad that it's a very rough first draft... nothing about it is final....

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lastsamurai
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby lastsamurai » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:19 am

I think you're right about the serious editing. It could work as a first paragraph if you cut about half of the sentences. I also felt sad while reading it, and it didn't really turn around when you got to the happy part, so i think the contrast needs to be stronger.

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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:42 am

lastsamurai wrote:I think you're right about the serious editing. It could work as a first paragraph if you cut about half of the sentences. I also felt sad while reading it, and it didn't really turn around when you got to the happy part, so i think the contrast needs to be stronger.


Thanks can you give some suggestions on which sentences I should cut. I totally agree with you, but I couldn't see which ones could get the boot. I also agree that the contrast should be sharper... I do need to work on that transition...

Also as for feeling sad about it...that's one of the reasons I didn't want to write about this topic, because I didn't want to invoke the wrong emotion from the admissions committee.

Andrewabrams
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Andrewabrams » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:05 pm

This would make for a touching movie, although I'm not certain how well it does in addressing why you want to go to law school. I suggest removing some of the emotion and expressing your experience with your father as a short introduction to how this impacted you become a mentor, activist, etc.

Write down a list of all the points you've mentioned in this paragraph, then choose a few that best make for a transition into the core of your PS.

Also I believe i saw this on SPAM ps peer review website but by the time i reviewed it was removed from the site... had you posted this on there?

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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:12 pm

Andrewabrams wrote:This would make for a touching movie, although I'm not certain how well it does in addressing why you want to go to law school. I suggest removing some of the emotion and expressing your experience with your father as a short introduction to how this impacted you become a mentor, activist, etc.

Write down a list of all the points you've mentioned in this paragraph, then choose a few that best make for a transition into the core of your PS.

Also I believe i saw this on SPAM but by the time i reviewed it was removed from the site... had you posted this on there?


Do all personal statements mention why one wants to go to law school? Is that a necessary component? I read a lot that didn't address why they went to law school. I guess it would be better if I did try to tie that in.

As for posting on that site...no never... I never heard of the site till now.. I just wrote this paragraph yesterday. Therefore it is impossible that you have read mine.

Andrewabrams
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Andrewabrams » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:29 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
Andrewabrams wrote:This would make for a touching movie, although I'm not certain how well it does in addressing why you want to go to law school. I suggest removing some of the emotion and expressing your experience with your father as a short introduction to how this impacted you become a mentor, activist, etc.

Write down a list of all the points you've mentioned in this paragraph, then choose a few that best make for a transition into the core of your PS.

Also I believe i saw this on SPAM but by the time i reviewed it was removed from the site... had you posted this on there?


Do all personal statements mention why one wants to go to law school? Is that a necessary component? I read a lot that didn't address why they went to law school. I guess it would be better if I did try to tie that in.

As for posting on that site...no never... I never heard of the site till now.. I just wrote this paragraph yesterday. Therefore it is impossible that you have read mine.



I am not totally certain what the answer is to that question as I am not a member of an ADCOM, with that said I dont think its an unreasonable thing to do. If you were interviewing for a job and a panel said, "Tell me about yourself," would you tell them an emotional story about your father? or would you mention your father's story and show how he has motivated/influenced you to take certain actions which ultimately have made you a good candidate for the job you are interviewing for?
Last edited by Andrewabrams on Fri Aug 30, 2013 12:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Ramius
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Ramius » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:47 pm

First of all, you DO NOT need to address why you want to go to law school. Any interesting narrative about your past that reveals something you want the ADCOM to see about you that they won't see elsewhere in your app (eg resume, transcripts) will be a totally acceptable topic. That being said, I'm straining to understand how you plan to tie this into a narrative about you that you'd want to share with the ADCOM. Getting into intensely personal matters like your relationship with your father is probably toeing the line of being too personal. You may be able to tie it into something relevant that you want to display, but you'll definitely need to clearly define that tie. If you do go with this topic, definitely get rid of the vast majority of the emotion in this paragraph.

Here is what you should probably do: think long and hard about what qualities you want an ADCOM to see in your application. Do you have extensive leadership experience? Are you very intellectually curious? Do you have something in your past that is driving you toward a specific goal (this is where I could see you tying your father in if anything)? These types of questions will help answer whether a topic is right for you. Writing about a topic just because it's what you believe the ADCOM will want to see will be thinly transparent to even casual observers. You can't really fake this kind of honesty. Until you look inside yourself and figure out what qualities you want on display in your application, no one can help you with your personal statement.

One thing I've seen many people fail at in reading countless PS on this site is that it doesn't look like they've thought about an important point in admissions: you are selling yourself. It's like selling a house. Sure, the LSAT/GPA will be what gets them in the door, but once they are inside, don't you want them to marvel at the kitchen? That is how the PS can function if you take the time to engage in serious introspection and figure out who you are, what you want with law school, and how you're going to convince the ADCOM that they should take you on.

GL OP!

Anonymous User
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 29, 2013 4:47 pm

matthewsean85 wrote:First of all, you DO NOT need to address why you want to go to law school. Any interesting narrative about your past that reveals something you want the ADCOM to see about you that they won't see elsewhere in your app (eg resume, transcripts) will be a totally acceptable topic. That being said, I'm straining to understand how you plan to tie this into a narrative about you that you'd want to share with the ADCOM. Getting into intensely personal matters like your relationship with your father is probably toeing the line of being too personal. You may be able to tie it into something relevant that you want to display, but you'll definitely need to clearly define that tie. If you do go with this topic, definitely get rid of the vast majority of the emotion in this paragraph.

Here is what you should probably do: think long and hard about what qualities you want an ADCOM to see in your application. Do you have extensive leadership experience? Are you very intellectually curious? Do you have something in your past that is driving you toward a specific goal (this is where I could see you tying your father in if anything)? These types of questions will help answer whether a topic is right for you. Writing about a topic just because it's what you believe the ADCOM will want to see will be thinly transparent to even casual observers. You can't really fake this kind of honesty. Until you look inside yourself and figure out what qualities you want on display in your application, no one can help you with your personal statement.

One thing I've seen many people fail at in reading countless PS on this site is that it doesn't look like they've thought about an important point in admissions: you are selling yourself. It's like selling a house. Sure, the LSAT/GPA will be what gets them in the door, but once they are inside, don't you want them to marvel at the kitchen? That is how the PS can function if you take the time to engage in serious introspection and figure out who you are, what you want with law school, and how you're going to convince the ADCOM that they should take you on.

GL OP!


Okay one I'm not good at selling myself. I don't even know how to do that. I mean idt that what a resume is for? I don't know how to write about myself. The only monumental thing that happened to me was traveling to Europe and my fathers illness. I didn't want to write something boring... or typical uneffective read. All the ps I have read have been OMG wow... Kind of affect for lack of a better word. I really don't know what to do.

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Ramius
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Re: Does anyone care to read an intro of my PS?

Postby Ramius » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:37 pm

It does not have to be groundbreaking or an OMG type of statement to be effective. Look at the Q & A with a former admissions officer thread on the forum for law school admissions on the last page. The guy wrote about rock climbing, and despite a few grammatical drawbacks, it's a pretty effective statement and it got him some solid acceptances.

Just write about something true to you, make it genuine and your personality will come through.




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