Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Aug 27, 2013 3:36 pm

reworking
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ramius
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby Ramius » Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:08 pm

Can't say I loved this statement, but it wasn't particularly bad either. You don't do enough to demonstrate your abilities in these fields and instead focus on the fact that you did them and provide some info behind the various tax law you encountered. Maybe some anecdote of how you tackled a particularly difficult or burdensome task while doing that job.

Also, don't back peddle in the last paragraph away from tax law. I was pretty turned off when you talked the whole time about working with tax law, enjoyed the work and found it interesting, but tried to write it off as anecdotal evidence of how you're able to do things related to the law. Just own the topic of, "how I discovered I like tax law" and stick with it. I promise no one in the future will be upset if you never pursue a career in tax law after school. The way you wrote your closing paragraph basically comes off as another aloof k-JD who can't commit to his ideas or experiences. I'm not saying that's you at all, but taking that step back raised a red flag in my mind.

This will ultimately be a safe topic, which is better than a totally off-putting one.

Anonymous User
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:33 pm

your comments align with the concerns I had with the statements, thanks a lot! I knew it was safe (even alittle boring) but it was the only experience I've had with direct relevance to the law that I can show rather than tell (and sound forced while saying it).


Do you think the topic is safe, or the execution is safe? I'm having a hard time coming up with a topic as a K-JD that doesn't scream that i'm K-JD. I'm also not too nervous about being safe, I think I have the numbers I just don't want to put any adcomm off!

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lastsamurai
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby lastsamurai » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:24 am

Well, you didn't scream K-JD to me. I think it's definitely a safe topic, but if that's what you're going for, then you just need to refine it.

If you do continue with this topic, below are a few things:

-The jump from the first to second paragraph was quite disjointed
-"lock down" was used twice and isn't very eloquent

good luck!

blsingindisguise
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:30 am

I liked the topic because it actually showed some concept of a real world way the law might be applied instead of a vague "save the poor" mentality. I didn't understand the transition between the first and second paragraphs though, got lost there.

blsingindisguise
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:36 am

Anonymous User wrote:
When (Film Studio) was built in XXX, the city locked down its reputation as “Hollywood (Region).” The building is state of the art: brand new soundstages, editing rooms, audition studios, and anything else a film crew could need. In the years since it opened in 2009, major projects like The Green Lantern and Django Unchained have made (Film Studio) their home. Unfortunately, not all film production jobs are created equal, and my position was often the butt of jokes for being the only boring one in the building.

I was first introduced to the often-convoluted world of tax law as a XXX Intern at a startup, XXX. The Company’s mission was to make transferrable tax credits, as an asset class, more available through an online marketplace. Sellers get cash for their credits, and buyers receive credits at a discount to apply to their next tax return. The legal texts regulating these transactions are complex, however, meaning this field is largely untapped. But the founder of the Company recognized the opportunity, and chose (Film Studio) as the headquarters because the studio’s entire existence is tied to his business: “Hollywood (Region)” is a product of very generous film production tax credits, which are tradable in (state).


Just to elaborate, I think the problem here is that it kind of obscures your job situation. First I think you're working for the studio, then at the beginning of the second paragraph I get the impression that you're flashing back to a DIFFERENT job/internship, where you worked at a startup that worked with tax credits. But then toward the end of the paragraph, I realize you're actually talking about the same job. I had to read it twice to understand what was going on.

The opening is attention-grabbing and I like it, and it's ok to use the "sucker punch" approach (where the opening sets you up for something different than you get), but you need to get to the "punch" more quickly.

Anonymous User
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:53 pm

thanks for all the feedback!

You guys are right, upon reading it after sleeping on it the jump from the first to second paragraph probably doesn't make much sense. It isn't wholly irrelevant, as the company did alot of work with film crews and helping them maximize the value of their tax credits (although you're right, it is a very indirect part of the industry). I'll flip the second paragraph around so it leads with film industry and then expands on tax credits.


I hate that it's a safe topic, but I'd rather be safe than seem naive, immature, or forcing a story to relate to law school.

blsingindisguise
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:24 pm

I don't get why a "safe" topic is a negative at all. I mean really I've read dozens of statements on the site and this is one of the few that actually shows that the applicant has some concept of an actually real-life legal application, rather than just "fighting for justice." Law school is a professional school, it's not like college where the point of the statement is to show how you'd make the school a more interesting and diverse place or whatever. This statement, in addition to mostly being pretty well-written, says "I have actually been exposed to something law-related in my work and I find it interesting."

Anonymous User
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:39 pm

.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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lastsamurai
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Re: Very First Draft- Work Experience Related

Postby lastsamurai » Thu Aug 29, 2013 11:33 am

I think this is much easier to read. A few phrases could be restructured:

-I was not acting alone at either job
-That is the story of how




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