Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

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Anonymous User
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Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:25 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jselson
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby jselson » Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:33 pm

This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.

e: Key question I had as an "imaginary" adcomm: So for the science thing, you thought it would all be super-exciting, then found out doing the actual job is often boring. K, then the business thing, it actually IS exciting, but you still don't like the job because you aren't "helping people," vaguely, or something. So now you think law is going to be a panacea, even though lawyers have some of the highest rates of depression in any field, most young lawyers quickly find out that you will rarely actually be "helping" the folks you think you want to help, and the small number that do get to do this are often not earning a whole lot, (not to mention that you don't seem to have much of a PI/volunteering background, or at least it wasn't important enough to you to include in your PS, so how likely is it that you'll actually struggle through being a PI-gunner [unless you're independently wealthy, which in that case, the PS is more lolworthy]) and the hours are long and stressful and much of the work is boring? Great.
Last edited by jselson on Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:42 pm

jselson wrote:This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.


noted with a grain of salt. thanks for the feedback.

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Ramius
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby Ramius » Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:26 pm

I got a few things from this PS, some good, some not so much. I'll start off with the good:

1) You've clearly had some academic success in your past and you do a sufficient job of highlighting those accomplishments.

2) Your writing is smooth and relatively free of any major grammatical errors. The statement flows well for the most part, and despite a few sticking spots, you get your point across.

A few things I'm not so fond of here:

1) I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you use a pretty douchey writing style. You want to portray eloquence and mastery of the English language, but what you've done here is try to somehow go beyond that and it ends up detracting from the writing. You need to simplify, simplify, simplify. Lawyers are known for writing, but not like this. If you want to impress an ADCOM with your writing ability, do so by showing how demonstrative yet succinct you can be. Really took away from the PS as a whole.

2) You don't successfully use one theme throughout your statement. A truly effective PS will center around a single idea or anecdote and drive through the entire PS using that literary device to show something about you that won't be seen anywhere else. Work hard on focusing in on a single theme that portrays you in the most positive light possible to someone who has never met you and only has these words to derive your character. Be really honest with yourself when you read the statement: if you were the third person reading this statement, what have you learned about this person, and is it something you'd want to learn about a potential applicant. I can tell you, reading as a third person observer with no dog in this fight, I wouldn't be particularly interested in you as a person after reading this. It's not because you haven't accomplished enough or because your writing is that painfully awful, but more because of the tone behind the statement. Try to refine your image in this some and you'll have a much more quality product.

GL OP!

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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:32 pm

matthewsean85 wrote:I got a few things from this PS, some good, some not so much. I'll start off with the good:

1) You've clearly had some academic success in your past and you do a sufficient job of highlighting those accomplishments.

2) Your writing is smooth and relatively free of any major grammatical errors. The statement flows well for the most part, and despite a few sticking spots, you get your point across.

A few things I'm not so fond of here:

1) I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you use a pretty douchey writing style. You want to portray eloquence and mastery of the English language, but what you've done here is try to somehow go beyond that and it ends up detracting from the writing. You need to simplify, simplify, simplify. Lawyers are known for writing, but not like this. If you want to impress an ADCOM with your writing ability, do so by showing how demonstrative yet succinct you can be. Really took away from the PS as a whole.

2) You don't successfully use one theme throughout your statement. A truly effective PS will center around a single idea or anecdote and drive through the entire PS using that literary device to show something about you that won't be seen anywhere else. Work hard on focusing in on a single theme that portrays you in the most positive light possible to someone who has never met you and only has these words to derive your character. Be really honest with yourself when you read the statement: if you were the third person reading this statement, what have you learned about this person, and is it something you'd want to learn about a potential applicant. I can tell you, reading as a third person observer with no dog in this fight, I wouldn't be particularly interested in you as a person after reading this. It's not because you haven't accomplished enough or because your writing is that painfully awful, but more because of the tone behind the statement. Try to refine your image in this some and you'll have a much more quality product.

GL OP!



Appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:36 pm

jselson wrote:This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.

e: Key question I had as an "imaginary" adcomm: So for the science thing, you thought it would all be super-exciting, then found out doing the actual job is often boring. K, then the business thing, it actually IS exciting, but you still don't like the job because you aren't "helping people," vaguely, or something. So now you think law is going to be a panacea, even though lawyers have some of the highest rates of depression in any field, most young lawyers quickly find out that you will rarely actually be "helping" the folks you think you want to help, and the small number that do get to do this are often not earning a whole lot, (not to mention that you don't seem to have much of a PI/volunteering background, or at least it wasn't important enough to you to include in your PS, so how likely is it that you'll actually struggle through being a PI-gunner [unless you're independently wealthy, which in that case, the PS is more lolworthy]) and the hours are long and stressful and much of the work is boring? Great.



You're clearly jaded by the profession you're aspiring to work in. I have worked in the legal world, you don't need to educate me on the realities of practice, although it seems that you're just taking an opportunity to voice your frustrations with the profession as a whole.

I have my own ideas on why depression is so prevalent in law, and I think it will be declining as people like have deterred many who are headed to law for the wrong reasons (thank you?).

As far as helping people, which is only part of the reason I want to practice law, there are many paths, not all of which are strictly PI law, and none of which require being a young attorney.

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jselson
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby jselson » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:05 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
jselson wrote:This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.

e: Key question I had as an "imaginary" adcomm: So for the science thing, you thought it would all be super-exciting, then found out doing the actual job is often boring. K, then the business thing, it actually IS exciting, but you still don't like the job because you aren't "helping people," vaguely, or something. So now you think law is going to be a panacea, even though lawyers have some of the highest rates of depression in any field, most young lawyers quickly find out that you will rarely actually be "helping" the folks you think you want to help, and the small number that do get to do this are often not earning a whole lot, (not to mention that you don't seem to have much of a PI/volunteering background, or at least it wasn't important enough to you to include in your PS, so how likely is it that you'll actually struggle through being a PI-gunner [unless you're independently wealthy, which in that case, the PS is more lolworthy]) and the hours are long and stressful and much of the work is boring? Great.



You're clearly jaded by the profession you're aspiring to work in. I have worked in the legal world, you don't need to educate me on the realities of practice, although it seems that you're just taking an opportunity to voice your frustrations with the profession as a whole.

I have my own ideas on why depression is so prevalent in law, and I think it will be declining as people like have deterred many who are headed to law for the wrong reasons (thank you?).

As far as helping people, which is only part of the reason I want to practice law, there are many paths, not all of which are strictly PI law, and none of which require that being a young attorney.


Uh, are you the OP?

In any case, I'm not jaded, dude, and I'm not "voicing my frustrations," but seriously, a lot of anyone's work is boring, and those who thought they were going to be "helping people" and end up at huge firms with banks as clients are the ones who are most likely to be depressed. How is that even disputable? If you are the OP (and if you aren't, why are you posting anonymously?), you're the one who said your "conscience demands a better personal effort to alleviate suffering." As anyone else on this forum will tell you, there are a lot easier and more direct ways to do that than being a lawyer, and nothing in the PS convinces me that that's a sincere desire (and your double-backing answer basically reveals that it's not, as far as I can tell).

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sully
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby sully » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:21 pm

jselson wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
jselson wrote:This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.

e: Key question I had as an "imaginary" adcomm: So for the science thing, you thought it would all be super-exciting, then found out doing the actual job is often boring. K, then the business thing, it actually IS exciting, but you still don't like the job because you aren't "helping people," vaguely, or something. So now you think law is going to be a panacea, even though lawyers have some of the highest rates of depression in any field, most young lawyers quickly find out that you will rarely actually be "helping" the folks you think you want to help, and the small number that do get to do this are often not earning a whole lot, (not to mention that you don't seem to have much of a PI/volunteering background, or at least it wasn't important enough to you to include in your PS, so how likely is it that you'll actually struggle through being a PI-gunner [unless you're independently wealthy, which in that case, the PS is more lolworthy]) and the hours are long and stressful and much of the work is boring? Great.



You're clearly jaded by the profession you're aspiring to work in. I have worked in the legal world, you don't need to educate me on the realities of practice, although it seems that you're just taking an opportunity to voice your frustrations with the profession as a whole.

I have my own ideas on why depression is so prevalent in law, and I think it will be declining as people like have deterred many who are headed to law for the wrong reasons (thank you?).

As far as helping people, which is only part of the reason I want to practice law, there are many paths, not all of which are strictly PI law, and none of which require that being a young attorney.


Uh, are you the OP?

In any case, I'm not jaded, dude, and I'm not "voicing my frustrations," but seriously, a lot of anyone's work is boring, and those who thought they were going to be "helping people" and end up at huge firms with banks as clients are the ones who are most likely to be depressed. How is that even disputable? If you are the OP (and if you aren't, why are you posting anonymously?), you're the one who said your "conscience demands a better personal effort to alleviate suffering." As anyone else on this forum will tell you, there are a lot easier and more direct ways to do that than being a lawyer, and nothing in the PS convinces me that that's a sincere desire (and your double-backing answer basically reveals that it's not, as far as I can tell).


Not double backing, you left out half of the sentence in your quote, which also invalidates your comment about easier and more direct ways of helping others. I won't argue with you about finding my motivations insincere. But I would ask what then, would be my motivation for leaving a lucrative, exciting, and successful career?

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jselson
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Re: Roughly Final Draft - Would Appreciate a critique

Postby jselson » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:26 pm

sully wrote:
jselson wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
jselson wrote:This is one of the more self-aggrandizing and hyperbolic PS's I've read in a long time. Basically just one giant, obnoxious humblebrag.

Also, don't do a title, and avoid clichés.

e: Key question I had as an "imaginary" adcomm: So for the science thing, you thought it would all be super-exciting, then found out doing the actual job is often boring. K, then the business thing, it actually IS exciting, but you still don't like the job because you aren't "helping people," vaguely, or something. So now you think law is going to be a panacea, even though lawyers have some of the highest rates of depression in any field, most young lawyers quickly find out that you will rarely actually be "helping" the folks you think you want to help, and the small number that do get to do this are often not earning a whole lot, (not to mention that you don't seem to have much of a PI/volunteering background, or at least it wasn't important enough to you to include in your PS, so how likely is it that you'll actually struggle through being a PI-gunner [unless you're independently wealthy, which in that case, the PS is more lolworthy]) and the hours are long and stressful and much of the work is boring? Great.



You're clearly jaded by the profession you're aspiring to work in. I have worked in the legal world, you don't need to educate me on the realities of practice, although it seems that you're just taking an opportunity to voice your frustrations with the profession as a whole.

I have my own ideas on why depression is so prevalent in law, and I think it will be declining as people like have deterred many who are headed to law for the wrong reasons (thank you?).

As far as helping people, which is only part of the reason I want to practice law, there are many paths, not all of which are strictly PI law, and none of which require that being a young attorney.


Uh, are you the OP?

In any case, I'm not jaded, dude, and I'm not "voicing my frustrations," but seriously, a lot of anyone's work is boring, and those who thought they were going to be "helping people" and end up at huge firms with banks as clients are the ones who are most likely to be depressed. How is that even disputable? If you are the OP (and if you aren't, why are you posting anonymously?), you're the one who said your "conscience demands a better personal effort to alleviate suffering." As anyone else on this forum will tell you, there are a lot easier and more direct ways to do that than being a lawyer, and nothing in the PS convinces me that that's a sincere desire (and your double-backing answer basically reveals that it's not, as far as I can tell).


Not double backing, you left out half of the sentence in your quote, which also invalidates your comment about easier and more direct ways of helping others. I won't argue with you about finding my motivations insincere. But I would ask what then, would be my motivation for leaving a lucrative, exciting, and successful career?


Do you see the part where matthewsean85 says you have a "pretty douchey writing style"? I think you're gonna have difficulty getting rid of that.




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