Very FIRST rough draft - Feminism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

1-10, 10 being the best

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33%
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Total votes: 3

User avatar
luuma
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:04 am

Very FIRST rough draft - Feminism

Postby luuma » Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:48 pm

thanks
Last edited by luuma on Fri Nov 08, 2013 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
westjr
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:19 am

Re: Very FIRST rough draft - Feminism

Postby westjr » Tue Aug 20, 2013 9:55 pm

Disclaimer: I have not written my own personal statement yet, but from the perspective of an average reader...

First, I don't think the topic is necessarily bad. I think it could be good, actually.

I think you spend too much time on your grandmother. I also think that the discussion of your own plight is a little bit too general. Maybe it would be good to refocus the personal statement on you, perhaps by adding specific anecdote(s). The *you* that you've presented in this PS, to me, doesn't seem to have been seriously affected by "machismo." I don't mean to imply that you haven't actually been affected, just that it isn't compellingly expressed in the statement.

There are a few grammatical errors throughout.

Good luck! I think it has a lot of potential, but you should take the advice of someone else who's actually written a PS and been accepted.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: Very FIRST rough draft - Feminism

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:11 pm

I agree you could shorten the part about the family past/grandmother, but I wouldn't cut too much because I think it's compelling and it comes through that these family stories are important to you and part of your identity.




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