First draft, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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First draft, please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:30 pm

Thanks everyone.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First draft, please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:46 pm

OP here, I also don't want to sound like an incredibly boring person here. I just don't have any life experiences for which, right off the bat, I think: "That would make a really interesting personal statement!" But I could dig deep if this is shit.

Seriously, tell me if I really need to scrap this.

ZVBXRPL
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby ZVBXRPL » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:51 pm

You should write the word "infatuation" four more times for a total of eight. Heck, add two more so you get an even ten.

Anonymous User
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:54 pm

ZVBXRPL wrote:You should write the word "infatuation" four more times for a total of eight. Heck, add two more so you get an even ten.


Ok, after I do that? Constructive advice?

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ArtistOfManliness
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby ArtistOfManliness » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:56 pm

Is breathe not breath. But the above post is spot on - 10 for HYS.

But I have no problem with the topic - it's just that I doubt it ill distinguish you from over 1000 consultants who probably know excel just as well as you, if not better

ZVBXRPL
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby ZVBXRPL » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:00 pm

Seems like you're souping up a mundane topic with relatively complex words. Unfortunately, this will work against you. I had to force myself to read ur PS.
"Thus,","Yet,", and "Hence,." Notice how you're using leading words to connect thoughts?
Last edited by ZVBXRPL on Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:05 pm

ZVBXRPL wrote:Seems like you're souping up a mundane topic with relatively complex words. Unfortunately, this will work against you. I had to force myself to read ur PS.


OP here: Would you recommend I scrap the topic? Is it that bad? I was sort of trying to get past it being mundane to show some personality, but if I've clearly failed at that I'm going to scrap it.

Edit: I see the leading words. I know it's rough right now, but it's also very short so (maybe?) I could connect the ideas better. Whether the topic is damning, though, is what I'm worried about.

ZVBXRPL
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:15 pm

Re: First draft, please critique

Postby ZVBXRPL » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:09 pm

Three posts into thread. Check it out.
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=197451&start=700

NYstate
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Re: First draft, please critique

Postby NYstate » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:14 pm

The topic is spreadsheets and efficiency. It is supposed to be you. Also " sick" is slang- not sure which usage you mean.

I think it would be possible to write a statement about how you love problem solving or mathematical data. Making the abstract concrete. Analyzing and creating solutions. Something like that. Forget efficiency and focus on what is elegant about this process.

Also if you are going to write about your love for spreadsheets I would create an awesome one on an esoteric topic you love and attach it.

Remember it is about you. Not about what a biologist does.

ZVBXRPL
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:15 pm

Re: First draft, please critique

Postby ZVBXRPL » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:18 pm

I used to have a similar writing problem...
1.You use too many unnecessary words at the beginning of your sentences. When you're editing your work, make sure those words are necessary -- it's not a terrible problem, and sometimes those words are fine, but if you have multiple sentences in a row that all start with "Yet," "Thus," "As a result," etc., see how many of them you can cut without changing the meaning of what you're saying. (You can probably cut most of them.)
2. Word choice. Good writing doesn't call attention to itself. Sometimes it seems like you're making word choices in order to be interesting at the expense of clarity. 
3.You don't need to connect every sentence to the previous one in such a direct way. Just write the sentence. If it makes logical sense to you, it will make logical sense to the reader without having to tie it to the last sentence with a connector word.
- Which sounds better?
(A) You don't need so many connector words. People can follow an argument. You can cut most of the Howevers.
(B) It is true that you don't need so many connector words. Indeed, people can follow an argument. Therefore, you can cut most of the Howevers.
(I hope you see that (A) sounds better, and none of the extra words in (B) are necessary. They aren't. Cut them. Cut them. Cut them.)-- Skip the semicolons. Almost without exception. If you use one semicolon a month, that's probably too many.




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